What should I do?

[mimie]

Am new to forum chats - so please bear with me! I am old enough to know better - but have found myself in a "friends with benefits" situation................ Both recently single after very long relationships. Started spending alot of time together and then after drunken night out I stayed at his place. Since then we have been seeing each other every day, all normal things, dinner, shopping etc. He is wonderful with my teenage kids. We get on great and help each other out. He is not really over his ex, and has said although he loves me to bits, it is not "like that". But he calls me throughout the day, comes round my house all the time and calls when he when goes home. We sleep together several times a week and have agreed that it is exclusive and that if either met someone else - we would be upfront. At a recent party - he was messing about with another girl and I went home. He followed very quickly; He stayed over with me and all the next day. I am getting very mixed messages from him and have told him that I did not like him messing with the other girl - he said there was nothing in it - and that we would talk about it if either met someone else.... I made it clear that I probably feel more after the times we have spent together (about 6 months) and expected him to cool it, but he is still calling me and coming over all the time. We get on so well - and I am not calling him or chasing in any way - Worth waiting to see how it pans out or is this doomed??????????

[tinglepie]

use him

[mandimoo]

well, i think it sounds like he likes you... maybe against his better judgement (only because of the recently ended relationship), but seems keen. dont cut your nose off to spite your face, enjoy it!!

[mimie]

Made me laugh Tinglepie! I supppose it started out like that - the sex anyway! But we just get on so well..........
I think that he does genuinely have feelings for me Mandimoo which is what is so confusing!!!!!! Just don't know if they are more than FWB...................

[Sasha13]

I have been here. Exactly as you describe. If a guy says he doesn't love you like a girlfriend, then he doesn't love you like a girlfriend. I've discovered (belatedly, unfortunately) that there are no mixed messages with guys. This is not me being bitter - I've spoken to friends in similar situations and it's always worked out the same. He has everything he wants here - sure, he has to be up front with you if he meets someone else, but heh, that doesn't matter, he told you that it wasn't a proper relationship, so there's no guilt there for him. And that's if he extends you the courtesy of telling you about another women - some guys - not saying he's one of them - would just do a disappearing act and then accuse you of being a bunny boiler if you wanted to know what had gone wrong.

If he was that bothered about you, he wouldn't have been with another girl at a party.

Cut off contact with this guy for a bit - at the moment he has it on a plate. Go figure out what you want and give him time to figure out whether he wants you - as a proper girlfriend or not at all. But don't believe that this will develop into something more without action on your part - it won't and you're going to get hurt.

[mimie]

Thanks Sasha - I know your right.....................But I would like to keep his friendship. I will give up the FWB and be less available and see what happens. I suppose I will find out very quickly if he goes elsewhere!!!!

[unrulyjulie]

sounds to me like this man really does care for you but is maybe just holding back due to the timing. The way i see it, apart from the label of you being "his girlfriend" you are that in every way possible.Maybe that could be his get out clause if someone else comes along so he can walk with no guilty feeling cause you were never his "girlfriend" in the first place. That is unacceptable to be honest .


I would say however, give it some time and see how it goes and then after so long (your call, set yourself a time limit though) end it so you are free to find someone who does want to commit to you fully. Personally I think he's scared of getting in too deep but that is happening anyway, no way of stopping it, its just admitting that to himself that he doesnt want to do by the sounds of it, but you cutting it dead could be the wake up call he needs.

Good luck.

[Booldawg]

I think he's addicted to the 'World of Warcraft' and every moment he spends away from you is tied up with various campaigns, battle scenarios and building strength within armies.

Have you been back to his place yet? Its no doubt a shrine devoted to WoW with posters, memorabilia and various other articles of merchandising. Maybe he feels a little embarrassed by his fascination with it? Perhaps you could admit to him that you spend alot of time on Runescape and you're not so different after all.

Does he sometimes have a far away look in his eyes, almost as if he were somewhere else? He's no doubt thinking about a particularly difficult campaign and running through a few possible strategies that may work. See if you can gently coax the scenario out of him and maybe offer a few ideas of your own based on your experience of the less sophisticated and somewhat cut down RPG that you fritter away the wee hours of the morning with.

I'm sure that once you finally sit down as part of a multi-player collaboration your relationship will be cemented.

[mimie]

Thanks booldog - your comments have really helped!!! - not

Unrulyjulie, obviously you are sane and on this planet........... so much appreciated for your advice and I am considering all comments - which still leave me somewhat confused!

[sam100]

I would just be careful...look out for number one at the end of the day ..you have both just come out of long term relationships which must have been difficult even in the most amical of terms. Also you have kids..even though they are teenagers they must have an idea of something going on especially if this guy is staying over and its probably a difficult time for them (obviously i dont know your circumstances).
Everything does make it sound like you are in a relationship with him however, if he has said that its not going further then be wary as he could be using you as an emotional cusion for himself maybe not thinking about your emotions.
I would back off a bit..get used to being on your own..the last thing you probably want is someone elses baggage or issues.
The problem with regular 'friends with benefits' is that you will end up being emotionally involved even if you try not to be...if you can hack being in that 'place' right now then fair enough but you also have to be prepared for the rejection that may come with it and that might come as a bitter blow to the system.

Maybe give it a month and stay in contact by email or text occassionally and if you both still want to persue it then give it ago...???

Best of luck with it.