settling or compromising?

[sara3]

pls help, my head is messed up!

as some of you know, new man has been around for a few months. I like him, he makes me laugh, he is kind, caring, generous etc.. but he also has dismissed some of my opinions, rubbished my choice of tv programme, not been prepared to try foodie things I like. we have discussed these things and he sees that he has made mistakes, and has apologised.

I like seeing him but don't get that feeling of butterflies that I'd like. he's not drop-dead gorgeous but quite pleasant looking. his confidence is low, which I just don't find attractive. we've also not done the deed, because he's just not managed it!

so, when does compromising become settling? I'd hate to think anyone "settled" for me! I've been on my own for a long time and I hate it, but I'm not sure that this is what I was hoping for. should I be compromising and accept that life isn't perfect, or wait for something fab that just may not arrive?

[weeal]

I think youve kinda answered your own question ... youre settling with this one by the sounds of it. I assume youve tried some of the things 'he' likes and its not all one sided?

[y-cymro]

He sounds so much like I used to be at times!

I was opinionated about what my girlfriends watched on tv and the things you mentioned above.

I came to realise how important it was to accept each other for who we were, and everything else will fall into place if it is meant to be.

It's only you who can say whether this person is right for you, but you are asking yourself the right questions - which is a very positive thing.

It's easy to let a relationship limp along because you worry about being on your own (I dont know how old you are etc) but you should never sell yourself short.

The most important thing to do is to analyse the good and bad and decide from there - without worrying about the "oh my god, I can't bear the thought of being on my own, so I'll stick with it" .

If you've already talked about certain aspects of the relationship - then perhaps there are anxieties which mean that he can't "do the deed" - anxiety/stress can cause that to happen no matter how appealing he might find you.
If you think you can talk about that and be open, then maybe that'll help you both through things.

Fingers crossed for you whatever you decide to do.

[sara3]

I have, weeal. he can see now that he's got things wrong but there is an edge of desperation in his voice. he is so keen to make it right and says, "I'll do anything to make it right".. and even that puts me off.

perhaps he can't win now, poor bloke!

[weeal]

oooh desperation isnt good either

[sara3]

thanks y-cymro. we do talk about this stuff but only on my initiation, which also bugs me.

for the last week he's been irritating me, slobbering when he kisses me etc.. (maybe he did this before, but now it's just horrible!) and then told me for the first time that he loved me.. just as I was getting p***ed off!

I'm 42 so not a kid, but it's a fair stretch ahead of potential one-ness.

[y-cymro]

I'm 42, and after being on my own for a couple of years, met someone 9 months ago, and everything's just great (despite a few problems).

I found that it was when I wasnt looking that someone came along totally out of the blue and unexpectedly.

I should have stopped looking a few years ago!!

[lajohn]

Don't settle for less than you want. That would be selling yourself short. There's someone out there up to par for you.
Move on and the right person will come when you are ready.

[Jugglering]

He's obviously not *ticking all the boxes* for you - is that likely to change ? No, didn't think so ! Just imagine yourself say 10 years down the line, still with him and still a bit bored... what a waste of 10 years - for both of you ! His unwillingness to try new things indicates a bit of a stick in the mud - is that really the sort of person you want to be with ?

[sara3]

aah, you're all so right. he doesn't tick all the boxes, but quite a few. he has now said he'll try anything (desperation!) that I want to do. he wants to take me to New York and on a beach holiday (I could kill for a proper holiday!), but it wouldn't be right to say yes now.

I guess I am just scared of being on my own forever, so am prepared to compromise and I'm worried about turning away someone who ticks lots of boxes.. but I guess ticking boxes doesn't matter when it doesn't feel right.

[y-cymro]

I think you are answering your own question here...

You wont be on your own forever - and I found that having a break from relationships did me good, and as I said earlier - someone then appeared from nowhere.

Good luck and you always have friends you can turn to for advice

[weeal]

Well...the most important boxes arent being ticked if youre feeling unhappy and/or anxious about it.

You really dont want an apologising desperate partner do you.

Good luck mrs

[sara3]

I know I don't "know" you guys but I knew I could rely on you to make me see sense.

and no smart-ar*e answers either! (so far)

thanks again, you're all worthy of at least 5 stars.

PS - Jayne is flirting with me on another thread, so perhaps I should be looking at different "avenues" ;o)

[Jugglering]

I don't think it would be a good idea to let him pay for a holiday for you - you would then feel obligated to stay with him ! Why not try a long weekend away instead - splitting the cost - say a country house hotel so you can both relax, be pampered and go out on long walks to really get to know each other away from the tv and cooking for each other. That way you can find out just how long you can both stand being in each other's company without being abroad and a long way from home.

[y-cymro]

Ahhh, but i do know you sara3 - I know what position you sleep in!!

Best wishes

[sara3]

oh, it's all out there now!

and thanks :o)

[SHELLP]

Sara dont settle look for someone who cares for you its hard being alone and the times i have been tempted to contact my ex but glad i have not

[sara3]

I know, Shell, but he hasn't treated me badly. I've been pretty much on my own for 8 or 9 years, bar a couple of breaks where men made a monkey out of me.. you know, the married one (he didn't mention THAT!), the player etc etc..

you keep being strong. I'm proud of you, girlie!

[joggerjayne]

sara, I've not chipped in on this thread, although I've been watching it.

It's so difficult, isn't it, when you feel instinctively that a relationship isn't quite right, but you keep telling yourself that matbe this is as good as it gets (to quote one of my fave movies).

Your man shouldn't have digs about things like the telly. It's okay if it's in good humour, but I know that men can put you down a bit about things like that.

It took me ages to finish it with Pencil Dick. It was the right thing to do, but I so hate being on my own (even though I try to make myself sound all brash and sassy).

Once in your life, you might meet someone who you feel was put on this Earth for you, that you were born for each other, and that you will both die if you can't be together ...

Sh*t sara, I've made myself cry. Hang on, I'll finish this in a minute.

[SHELLP]

Sara

I have made my mind up to stay on my own until I find someone special and if hes not out there I wont settle cos ive done that most of my life. Went out last night saw ex drunk as usual so walked out of pub plenty of men chatting but not ready and anyway most of them prob cheating on their wives and dont want to be part of that.

You know deep down how u feel do whats right for you and no one else thats what I am trying to do and hopefully will be strong enough to do it

[terambulan]

There's nothing wrong in accepting a buckshee holiday......u should accept that and not feel guilty, as it would be a great opportunity to get to know each other better. A holiday is hardly a commitment and a trial partnership is better than no trial.

You'll definitely know after the holiday whether you could stand each other 24/7.

Go girl, go