Christmas nightmare

[flowerholic]

For the first time in 7 years my entire family will be with me from all over the world and my partner has invited his 16 year old daughter. After all the lying, stealing, being in trouble with the police for being drunk and getting into fights and showing my daughter who is 4 years younger porn, I haven't had her here for the past year. He can go and see her whenever he wants but I don't want to be involved any more. We discussed Christmas and I told him I couldn't have her here but he has invited her anyway. I haven't told my child yet as it will destroy her much longed for Christmas. At the moment nobody is talking to anybody else...any suggestions welcome...

[4getmenot]

get over it, past is past let her try and make it up to you. lifes to short for arguments

[mandimoo]

could you pre-warn your family that xmas could be 'interesting', explaining that the child is somewhat troubled but you guys dopnt feel you can turn your back on her regardless. rise above it all.

[daniela31]

There could be a reason for her hostility towards you. Have you ever shown her any affection.
Christmas would be a good time to start. make her feel one of the family, be nice to her, give here a hug and say Merry Christmas love.
It could change a lot of things.
And I'm sure your husband would be proud of you too.
Christmas is all about families getting together.....make the most of it.

[4getmenot]

sounds like most teens nowadays. she maye need help, I'm sure most have us have been in trouble for drinking etc and gone a bit of rails at that age.

[onlyme26]

she is 16 years old!!

i do know how you feel slighty, i find it hard to bond with my partners eldest daughter, she is 10 and lately a bit of a lyer and manipulater!!

but she is his daughter and she is only a child,

they all need to be given chances, look at it the other way if it was your daughter and your partner said she is welcome, how would that make you feel???

you need to get over the past and even tho she is a handful ( like most teenagers) you cant just ignore her existance

any idea how she feels about not being able to go to her dads house? or that she isnt allowed to visit on xmas?? she may be a pain but she still has feelings?

just imagine if your daughter was older and got into a bit of trouble and your partner banned her from the house and xmas? wouldnt you want to walk out on him????????
children are the most importnant things in a parents life,

think about that
give her a chance

good luck xxx

[ummmm]

She has more rights to him than you do. She's his daughter, he made her. Grin and bear it.

[andy-hughes]

Try and see this girl in advance of Christmas, somewhere neautral and public so you can't get into a screaming match.

Tell her you are talking to her woman to woman. You want to draw a line under the past and start again, and Christmas will be Day One. If she is nice, you will be nice, if she plays up, she will have to leave - then the choice is hers, but from my experience, if you appeal to a teenager's better nature and sense of adulthood, it can work.

Make sure your partner is on-side, and will back you if it comes to a show-down on Christmas Day, which must be as short as possible for the sake of everyone.

If she is nice, then praise her to the skies, and if you get through the day in one piece, tell her you couldn;t have done it without her.

Could be the start of a new relationship for both of you, and that has to be a good thing.

[onlyme26]

i see your point on that andy, maybe a meeting before xmas and try and patch things up is a really good idea,

tho the bit about having your partner on side?? i guess it depends what and why they are arguing?

i mean think about it, you split with the parent of your child and then meet someone new, i think it if was me, id be more inclined to stick up for my child, unless she was really really out of order, i think you all should meet and then get some neural ground between you all, with her being banned from the house, she probabilly feel likes she is hated and not welcome! which really is kinda true, so the chances of her playing up are quite likely at the moment,

even tho she is a handful you really need to try and be the bigger person and make up, show her you dont hate her and she is welcome IF she is willing to make the effort to behave, like your partner be present so he can see the conversation from both sides,

good luck

[zzxxee]

what about haveing her over for boxing day instead ? or could your partner not visit her at her house ?

[flowerholic]

Tks for all the comments. There has never been any shouting matches suprisingly! Just gradual withdrawal on my part over the last 5 years. We all got on really well in the beginning, I don't know what happened to change that. Don't think her mother liked the fact that she fitted in so easily. The first time some of my jewellery went missing I had a hard job believing she'd done it but it all went downhill after that. I have never confronted her about any of it. Her father always blames everything else as a reason as to why she does what she does, which doesn't help. And I don't think a child has more of a right to a parent than someone in a relationship with them, they should have equal status. All your children (and I have 3) leave home and have their own lives eventually. And if you sacrifice a good relationship (and they are hard to come by) for them, you end up on your own. It's hard juggling different coloured balls but you have to try and find a happy medium. Am going to suggest he takes her up to his family in Lancs and spends Christmas up there. He probably doesn't want to spend the festive season surrounded by my lot to be quite honest !

[banjobabe]

I think you might need supernanny

lol

I don't mean to be sarcastic but I had much the same with my son at that age. I could have done with some guidance and I believe I made a right hash of it.

He is 24 now and just lovely.

I wish supernanny had been on when my kids were a nightmare.

Big hugs, no help I know but I was crap at it.

sos

Bb xx

[curiosity]

Your question clearly separates her out as not part of your "family" I think its a shame, I think you are being rigid and unreasonable to dismiss it as early as October without even attempting to include the girl on your terms. You possibly have a problem sharing your man with someone who doesn't fit into your ideal, but at 16 she is still a child emotionally, which I think is sad, don't be a wicked stepmother, embrace her, she deserves the same as your three kids.

[DebsyDoo]

Without knowing the details behind the whole scenario, it is difficult to give a definitive answer to your situation, I am no expert, but as an outsider, the first things that come to mind for me are -

A) Who's house is it ?
If it's yours, then I'd say you have the right to object to her presence. (Likewise, if it's his - he has the say)

B) If it's a joint ownership, then you should be able to sit down & discuss the issue - if he is not prepared to do this or is totally disregarding your feelings on the matter, then I think that maybe you should think about your relationship ?

[flowerholic]

Tk u Banjo Babe & if your son is now lovely it means you're NOT crap at it!!! My 2 eldest have left the nest and they were fine as well, a few hitches along the way but nothing serious.
I've been accused of everything in the next thread and maybe I am intolerant and inflexible to a certain degree but I am trying to reach a happy medium without destroying my own daughter's Christmas, the first one with nearly all her family in years. I have a big problem with confrontation, I hate scenes and rows and I pretty much think my partner told his ex blithely that she could come here before he even spoke to me. And it is my house. And yes, I think my feelings don't come into it at all, on his part. He just thinks I'm being nasty, not wanting his daughter here at Christmas, forgetting all the years I HAVE had her for Christmas and all the scenes & dramas that ensued. She isn't even close to her dad, never phones him, visits him of her own accord, never sends him birthday/fathers day/christmas cards or presents. She makes an effort on her birthday and at Christmas but that's pretty much it. I've lost count of the times he has endlessly phoned and organised to pick her up for the day and she hasn't been there to pick up. Maybe rethinking this relationship is where I'm going to have to go. Thank you to everybody, positive and negatives!! It's interesting getting other people's views and makes you rethink your own ....

[onlyme26]

hmmm after reading your last 2 responses, i kinda really feel for you,

i cant really give advice, i havent been in that situation, tho i feel im heading for it,
what was she like at 10? lol

but them going away for xmas is a bit extreme, you dont wanna go to bed on your own on xmas night :o(

u sure u cant make up in anyway, maybe she could come round for half the day? i mean dosent she want to spend it with her own mum?
i couldnt imagine xmas without mine,
having said that my partners eldest is coming away with us over christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day!!

her mum cant seem to wait to get rid if her!!! which suprises me!!! as she has a little brother there??? but i dunno, its so hard with other peoples kids, i struggle really badly, i mean we get along and i treat her really nicely and buy her things, i just dont seem to feel any bond at all with her, and recently she has been telling lies :o( just little things but i never know what to believe now when she tells me stories! she has a 4yr old brother and i heard her whispering to my daughter that she beats him up!! but then she tells her nan her little brother bites himself and says it was her!!!! she is 10 and he is 4 she shouldnt be beating him up, or was she lying? does she bite him?? who knows what to believe! lol

anyway good luck, hope u end up having a lovely xmas
xx

[flowerholic]

just had a looonngg chat with my 30 yr old son & he said mom it's just a few hours, one day out of your whole life, is it really worth all this hassle?
Umm ... no...not really ...so looks like we'll be having an extra guest after all ....
tk u for all the comments and I hope everybody has a great Christmas : ) : )

[4getmenot]

well I;m glad your song got through, think thats what all of us said anyway. If she misbehaves then people will see its her. rise above it all.

[what..the?]

Buy the troubled child a gift, mention the said gift when they arrive and tell them they will get it when they leave.

Therefore the child is more likely to behave to get the gift?

[curiosity]

Flowerholic I hope it all goes well, I was the one with the rather blunt and negative answer! It wasn't intended as a personal attack on you, more playing devils advocate to evoke some thinking, which It may have. Have a lovely Christmas.