Married to a control freak?

[WiseOldSage]

I am at my wit's end - it seems to be one rule for my husband and one for me. I am finding him very difficult to love at the moment and have no one to turn to. He is a lovely guy until he gets stressed or angry or doesn't get his own way and then I am in the firing line. His kids and mine get treated different with my son not being able to put a foot out of place. His tolerance levels are nil and when I get upset he just is very abusive verbally. He says I never say anything nice about him or to him but, to be honest, his cutting remarks and criticism leave me cold and on the verge of tears. 90 per cent of the time I end up trying to keep the peace and appease him then I virtually have to parrot fashion tell him what an **** I have been. None of my family like him, his work colleagues have told me he can be quite bolshie and even his ex wife and kids have told me how much hard work he is. How do I brush off the remarks because some of them are very personal?

[BockingBob]

After reading that i would say your too good for him and he's an R. SOLE. Get your purse and your coat and tell him you will be back when he's all grown up and can treat you with love and respect.

[dot.hawkes]

This won't improve, you are either stuck with unhappiness or you get out asap, by that i mean plan an escape route financially and practically and when it is all in place, leave without hysteria or emotion, he'll know you mean it then.

[daniela31]

It seems he is making you very unhappy.
Are you willing to try counselling with him? would he do this with you?
Ring relate and make an appointment.
If he refuses then you have 2 choices..
Either put up with the abuse, or move out and try and find happiness elsewhere.
:-)

[Squitty]

You have just described me to a tee - let me guess - he never apologises for his behaviour either.
I behave like I do partly because of the way I was treated as a child (a very dominating and severe father) and also because I am frustrated and stressed at my own abilities and performance. I take this out on any body who happens to be around. The best way to deal with me is to be nicer to me than I deserve and try to understand the reason for these outbursts. Tell him how his actions affect you (when the incident is over) and in time he will realise himself what an ar$e he is. Only he can change his behaviour.

[Wispy68]

I agree with the above replies. Why waste your time with someone who clearly has no respect for you? You're only in this life once, so don't waste another minute of it with this idiot. Best of luck to you.

[WiseOldSage]

It's my house, my income that pays all the bills - he is still paying off his ex wife and keeping a roof over his kids heads. I think that is half the problem - it's mine and he feels as though he has no control. We don't argue about the usual stuff but it suddenly occured to me that we argue about stuff that he has no control over - my kids, my ex partner's rights to see them, my bank account (I won't have a joint one because my finances are so stretched I can't have it dipped into for "luxuries" for him, his hobbies and his kids), plans for the house - he is ALWAYS consulted believe me!

[WiseOldSage]

No Squitty - never - says he is always right (when we are bantering) and shouldn't have to ...

[daniela31]

I feel sympathy for you, but what is it that you actually like about him?

[WiseOldSage]

I love him - I mean in a way I have never loved anyone - he is honest, he is actually very loyal and attentive, he is a guy full of little surprises in a very romantic way ... the problem comes when he is under a bit of pressure - if I feel a bit low I like a bit of space but he badgers me to the point of me breaking down. But I can't spend my life watching what I say or smoozing up to him because of a, b, c or d ...

[smudge]

So sorry to hear the turmoil you're going through at the moment WiseOldSage.

I agree with the others, 'specially Wispy68 - you only have one life!

After reading your comments, it's no surprise that your husband's first marriage didn't survive! His ex is well rid of him & it's a pity you've taken on what she left off.

[WiseOldSage]

Obviously this isn't my first marriage - I have been treated badly in relationships for years - but when we met I thought I'd got what I wanted - an honest man! I've never taken criticism well so did wonder if I'd overreacted - I don't think I have. He talks to everyone badly if he gets shirty - I've even stood up to him when he has had a go at his kids because they came into some money and because they chose to spend it how they wanted he lost it because - surprise, surprise - he had no control over it. Do you know he even tried to tell me which company car to pick for my job - I don't mean advice but when I picked something else he spent days telling me how c**p it would be ...

[BockingBob]

I'm so glad it's your house ect .Please keep it that way .At least you have the security of knowing that should things get worse he can grab HIS wallet and HIS coat and leave. ( gimme a smile )

[daniela31]

Maybe he does know more about cars than you do, and thought you were making a mistake.
If he is a brash northener, and brought up that it is the man's role to be dominant, then this is probably why he is like this. It is just in his nature.
What you have to ask yourself is whether or not you can put up with the abuse, which you should'nt have to btw, or maybe help him get some anger management from somewhere.

Or the other choice is, like so many have said here, for you to move on and find peace and happiness elsewhere.

[WiseOldSage]

He's open to marriage guidance and stuff like that - and on a good day he will admit he is a very angry person - he is stubborn too. He will never back down and, because my kids are in the house, I have to to keep the peace. His daughter says when he gets like that with her she just ignores him - she gets the texts and stuff saying, I'm still here for you baby, but I have to work for it. Why is it me?

[Velvetee]

Sounds like a difficult situation. If you love him and want to stay with him, then it's worth working at the relationship and seeking counselling, both together and alone.

Perhaps you each rub each other up the wrong wa without realising and have your own insecurities, which need addressing. Obviously, it's not healthy for him to be angry all the time and for you to feel abused.

[terambulan]

Never mind about how you feel....you're adult enuf to fend for yourself.

Defend your son AT ALL COSTS and leave the busturd! After he has beaten you to submission your son is next to get it. You live with a beast - stop cowering and fight back, for your son's sake.

I hope I've put a back-bone into you!

[WiseOldSage]

Thank you for your advice everyone - I think I spent most of yesterday afternoon trying not to let it get to me and when we got into bed last night he asked if I loved him. I know he is very insecure about things and I know he gets very frustrated with life and all, it appears, to throw at him. I have tried to tell him that I am there to support him and, most of the time, he is about the most affectionate and accommodating person I know. It's just that period of time when he is tired or not eaten - I think maybe his own worst enemy. Sounds stupid but he has boxed both at amateur and professional level and I am beginning to wonder if he has taken a few too many knocks on the head ...

[joko]

how would he fel about trying some herbal remdies for stress and calm etc?

i have found people who have a kind of mean streak often have some kind of depression, so perhap st johns wort, or 5HTP

or try kalms, and resuce remedy....he can take the rescue remedy around all day...
if he wont try anyting like that - put rescue remedy in his water -lol

perhaps have lavendar candles burning aroun the home too...
try anything really an you may find that al togther he generally calms down
i think the world would be a much better place if they put resuce remedy in the water supplies...lol

[cassa333]

Get him to go to relate with you and on an anger managment course etc. Tell him when he is being an @rse and tell him when he is being good. It's a bit like teaching a child to play nicely.....

However at the end of the day if he doesn't change and you love him enough to stay with him then you will have to put up with the way he is.

However if you do then you have to be prepared to become a door mat as the stress in his life will probably just get worse (not gauranteed though).

Why is he divorced? Was he the same with his ex? If for example she left after having an affair you might think that his moods have nothing to do with it. But she might have had one because she couldn't cope with them... ergo he may never change.

[migirl]

I`m sorry but i think you`re just trying to come up with excuses for his behaviour with the "knocks to the head" remark. I used to be with a man like this and it took me a VERY long time to finally realise that i would indeed be better off on my own. You mention this isn`t your first marraige. Have you ever spent time in you life as a single woman? Without a husband or boyfriend? That`s what i`ve done for the last 2 years and it`s done more for me than you can imagine! Do you stay with him because you`re scared of being alone?