At my wits end!!

[elginred]

This is going to be long.

My hubby has consistently been treating my like crap for the past 6 months since I went back to work following the birth of our child. He does absolutely nothing in the house, lies to me constantly, and has recently bee diagnosed with depression and is self-harming. He makes sure I know when he's going to do it, usually after we've rowed.

I'm really trying to be supportive, but I feel he's using it as a tool to manipulate me so that he can carry on behaving like a teenager. We've been together for 11 years, but I feel I don't know him at all.

He's also formed this friendship with a woman who had a child at the same time as I did. Which I wouldn't mind, but she calls him at night when I'm at work, or they arrange to go out together when I'm at work. And her hubby is at work. I don't think he's having an affair, I think he just knows I hate it, so he's using it over me.

Another problem is the pornography that he has on the computer. I'm quite liberally minded, but I recently found out that he subscribed to l;ive cams and it cost us �60. When I read the email about it he told me it was spam, until I read his bank statement. So he promised he wouldn't do it again, and now I've found that he's topped his phone up and has subscribed to porn on his mobile.

He'll be home in bout 30 mins and I just want to kill him!! But, I feel as if I say anything it will escalate to him hurting himself.

I want to be supportive, but I feel so humiliated!!

Can anyone advise me, please?

[canthinkofon]

Call his bluff & give him the Big E.
dont you think YOU have suffered enough????

[redcrx]

at what point will you say enoughs enough and stop putting his attitude all down to depression.

I think he needs a wake up call, to show him just what hes likely to lose if he carries on pushing your love and support to the limit.

[mrs_overall]

Two words sum this up - ultimatum time

[Velvetee]

Has he always been like this? His behaviour sounds irrational and attention seeking. I'm not sure how common self harming is amongst adult men.

He sounds as though he has little regard for you and is very selfish. I would imagine, with a young child, you need all the emotional support you can get, but it seems, from what you say, he is only interested in satisfying his own needs.

Perhaps some kind of counselling would help him. I think if my partner was behaving in this way, where he was harming himself and possibly threatening to go further, I would attempt to have him sectioned.

You have to ask yourself how long can you continue like this and what will be the best course of action for you and your child.

[HJT40]

Sorry, but to me it sounds like he has you over a barrel. Accept what I am doing or else I will harm myself and then it will be your fault. So you don't say anything and he gets away with it.

The lying is unacceptable and the emotional blackmail is unacceptable.

You have yourself and a child to look after. Personally I think you would be better off out of it.

[Charisse]

If his behaviour is out of the ordinary and due to his depression you may want to take medical advice. Relate can offer couple counselling so consider that too. You need to decide what you want and act accordingly. Good Luck.

[Nannyjillx2]

I actually thought people that self harmed tried to cover it up not talk about it and if it's discovered then they have some excuse as to how the injuries ahve occurred.

He may well be depressed but I think he is attention seeking whihc might need addressing bt not at the expense of your health.

Does he look after your little one? That in itself is hard work though

[happyone2]

i wonder if it might be an idea if you had some 1-2-1 counselling of your own, where you can talk thru the reasons why you stay with a person - who clearly ( to others anyway) is not able to sustain a relationship.

When you see that you dont HAVE to stay, then you can perhaps help yourself and your child, before feeling that you must help him.

In understanding yourself within this situation, then you will see more clearly his part in perpetuating it and break the cycle of co-dependancy.....

good luck

[sallycroc]

I would be very calm and tell him that its time to move on.

Don't accept bad behaviour. You are worthy of a happy life and a good partner.

If it means being single and living alone. Do it.

He relies on you so much and takes his anger out on you. I would be calm and brush him aside. Focus on you and your child.

There is lots of support out there.

Keep positive and look after yourself x

[Whoever]

Sounds as if your husband was used to being the focus of your attention before your baby arrived and now he feels displaced and part of his bad behaviour is attention-seeking. However, you are now parents and he needs to grow up and accept his share of responsibility for domestic issues. I would sit down with him and try and gently renegotiate what you expect of him in your new circumstances. You could also suggest that he doesn't see your friend without you being present as you feel her husband would misconstrue the relationship. And tell him how you feel about the pornography on his mobile. He lied to you, and in a way that's even worse than the pornography itself.
Perhaps the time has arrived when the scales are falling off your eyes as to what your husband is really like and what sort of a partner he is turning out to be. If you're now seeing him as he really always has been you will need to ask yourself whether your relationship is tenable going forward without some dramatic changes.

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