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Why do people cheat on their partners?
59 Answers
Why not just leave them?
How can you have such little respect your wife/husband - a person you once claimed to be in love with, that you would go out and do something so immoral, without even a second thought as to how it might make them feel?
(I would especially like to hear from anybody that is or has cheated on this one).
Thanks
How can you have such little respect your wife/husband - a person you once claimed to be in love with, that you would go out and do something so immoral, without even a second thought as to how it might make them feel?
(I would especially like to hear from anybody that is or has cheated on this one).
Thanks
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I've only ever had a few serious relationships in my life, and they were well spread apart (so there was no 'two-timing' involved) so I'm not personally well-qualified to post here.
However, I do have an interest in psychology. Research suggests that many individuals (particularly men) have a craving for risk-based excitement. (i.e. the attraction of 'cheating' is as much based upon adrenalin as it is upon sexual desire). The probability of someone undertaking such 'risky' behaviours is considerably increased during periods of depression. (Most sex offenders, for example, report that they were depressed at the time that they offended).
So it's possible that 'cheating' might be a response to depression. (Research suggests that depression is far more common when people are unemployed, or when they have money worries. If so, the present economic crisis is likely to lead an increase in depression, with a corresponding increase in 'cheating').
Chris
However, I do have an interest in psychology. Research suggests that many individuals (particularly men) have a craving for risk-based excitement. (i.e. the attraction of 'cheating' is as much based upon adrenalin as it is upon sexual desire). The probability of someone undertaking such 'risky' behaviours is considerably increased during periods of depression. (Most sex offenders, for example, report that they were depressed at the time that they offended).
So it's possible that 'cheating' might be a response to depression. (Research suggests that depression is far more common when people are unemployed, or when they have money worries. If so, the present economic crisis is likely to lead an increase in depression, with a corresponding increase in 'cheating').
Chris
-- answer removed --
OK, I can give you an answer, though I doubt that it's true in all instances. And this will be long, so it's in more than one part !
You have been married for several years, or are in a long term relationship. There are young children hitting their teens. The spark has gone ... you don't try new things any more because you are busy with work and children.
You come home every day and listen to your partner's litany of the bad day they have had at work, with the children or or other worries. You listen, perhaps suggest some ways that things might have been done better, reassure your partner, tell them that you believe in them.
And while you are doing that, you KNOW that tomorrow it will be exactly the same thing again, the same litany, the same reassurances, the same worries. You know this because it has been the same pattern for years and you are also fairly sure that this pattern will continue tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow ...
So, rather than load any more on your partner, you say your day was fine and don't mention any of your worries or talk about any stresses you happen to be under.
Continued next post ...
You have been married for several years, or are in a long term relationship. There are young children hitting their teens. The spark has gone ... you don't try new things any more because you are busy with work and children.
You come home every day and listen to your partner's litany of the bad day they have had at work, with the children or or other worries. You listen, perhaps suggest some ways that things might have been done better, reassure your partner, tell them that you believe in them.
And while you are doing that, you KNOW that tomorrow it will be exactly the same thing again, the same litany, the same reassurances, the same worries. You know this because it has been the same pattern for years and you are also fairly sure that this pattern will continue tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow ...
So, rather than load any more on your partner, you say your day was fine and don't mention any of your worries or talk about any stresses you happen to be under.
Continued next post ...
Continuing ...
The end result is that you wind up feeling a bit unloved, unappreciated and unwanted (well apart from the salary you bring in to pay the bills with).
Then you meet someone, perhaps at work, perhaps someone you knew years ago and haven't been in touch with, perhaps on line. They are in a similar situation, though you don't know that initially. You start chatting, not about work or family, but about mutual interests. Perhaps you flirt a bit too, just for the fun of it.
From there the conversation turns to your personal situations, and you find yourselves telling each other the things you feel you can't tell your partners. You form a friendship and find that someone else does actually appreciate you for who you are and the support you give them.
At that point things can go two ways ... you have a friendship and that's as far as it will go, or it will develop into an affair.
The end result is that you wind up feeling a bit unloved, unappreciated and unwanted (well apart from the salary you bring in to pay the bills with).
Then you meet someone, perhaps at work, perhaps someone you knew years ago and haven't been in touch with, perhaps on line. They are in a similar situation, though you don't know that initially. You start chatting, not about work or family, but about mutual interests. Perhaps you flirt a bit too, just for the fun of it.
From there the conversation turns to your personal situations, and you find yourselves telling each other the things you feel you can't tell your partners. You form a friendship and find that someone else does actually appreciate you for who you are and the support you give them.
At that point things can go two ways ... you have a friendship and that's as far as it will go, or it will develop into an affair.
What things you can't tell your partner? If the relationship was a great one in the first place, you should be able to discuss anything with each other.
I think folk who have affairs always make excuses for their behaviour....relationship gone stale, the other person doesn't listen...blah de blah. The fact is, they don't love their partners enough to work things out. Of COURSE marriage isn't always the same after a few years, but did anyone expect it to be? It's up to the couple to keep the spark going, and if not - part. Cheating's just a cop-out for those who don't love deeply enough.
I think folk who have affairs always make excuses for their behaviour....relationship gone stale, the other person doesn't listen...blah de blah. The fact is, they don't love their partners enough to work things out. Of COURSE marriage isn't always the same after a few years, but did anyone expect it to be? It's up to the couple to keep the spark going, and if not - part. Cheating's just a cop-out for those who don't love deeply enough.
Continued a bit more ...
Now, at the point I ended the last post, many people would say that an affair had already begun, it just hadn't gotten round to the sex bit.
Perhaps that's true, because in my case we certainly talked about having sex, but we were having too much fun when we were together to be in any hurry to get there, but we did get there in the end. We continued to enjoy each other's company for several years, and it was more about the friendship and support than the sex, though that was fun too.
I make no apologies for what happened and I'm sure there will be plenty of people who are only too happy to criticise. That's fine by me, feel free to say whatever you want.
We helped each other through some bad patches in our marriages, enjoyed each other's company, friendship and the intimacy, and made absolutely certain that our partners did not know about it. And I am certainly glad she was around at that time.
Now, at the point I ended the last post, many people would say that an affair had already begun, it just hadn't gotten round to the sex bit.
Perhaps that's true, because in my case we certainly talked about having sex, but we were having too much fun when we were together to be in any hurry to get there, but we did get there in the end. We continued to enjoy each other's company for several years, and it was more about the friendship and support than the sex, though that was fun too.
I make no apologies for what happened and I'm sure there will be plenty of people who are only too happy to criticise. That's fine by me, feel free to say whatever you want.
We helped each other through some bad patches in our marriages, enjoyed each other's company, friendship and the intimacy, and made absolutely certain that our partners did not know about it. And I am certainly glad she was around at that time.
lol .. That was quick :-)
Ice.Maiden, I really do not make any apologies to ANYONE for what happened, nor do I attempt to justify it in any way, despite what you or anyone else may read into what I wrote.
I said in the first post that the answer I was going to give did NOT apply to everyone. It may be somewhat similar to the situation some people find themselves in, but the rosesformoi asked why people have an affair, so I gave an outline of what can happen. Take it or leave it.
Ice.Maiden, I really do not make any apologies to ANYONE for what happened, nor do I attempt to justify it in any way, despite what you or anyone else may read into what I wrote.
I said in the first post that the answer I was going to give did NOT apply to everyone. It may be somewhat similar to the situation some people find themselves in, but the rosesformoi asked why people have an affair, so I gave an outline of what can happen. Take it or leave it.
this is an interesting subject and id like to add to it if i may.
i am at the moment chatting on msn and emailing with someone i met online.
we started about this time last year and we have been in contact almost every single day, up to a few times a day sometimes.
now, heres the thing, i am single and he is married - married 20 odd years, lovely wife and kids, beautiful home and excellent job.
hes a very decent and respectable man and thinks the world of his wife and family, which i know is true and always speaks well of them, and hed never do anything to hurt them.
our friendship has grown over time and we are both surprised at how things have blossomed. weve both agreed we feel we are more than just friends and do feel a closeness for each other.
he says, and i do believe him, that this is the first time this has ever happened.
we really do enjoy each others company, we make each other laugh and we brighten each others day up.
hes a very private person but over time hes learnt he can trust me 100% so hes opened up to me and we are able to talk very closely with oneanother telling me things hes never even shared with his wife before.
we always look forward to catching each other online if and when hes able to get on, and we admit we miss each other alot when either of us are not about..
weve never met and have no intentions as such to meet as we are both happy enough with what we have on the computer, plus we know we couldnt take things any further in real life anyway due to him being married.
all we see it is alovely, kind of innocent, although his family wouldnt see it like that if ever they found out, would they, special friendship.
now, id like to know your views please, is this classed as cheating?
i am at the moment chatting on msn and emailing with someone i met online.
we started about this time last year and we have been in contact almost every single day, up to a few times a day sometimes.
now, heres the thing, i am single and he is married - married 20 odd years, lovely wife and kids, beautiful home and excellent job.
hes a very decent and respectable man and thinks the world of his wife and family, which i know is true and always speaks well of them, and hed never do anything to hurt them.
our friendship has grown over time and we are both surprised at how things have blossomed. weve both agreed we feel we are more than just friends and do feel a closeness for each other.
he says, and i do believe him, that this is the first time this has ever happened.
we really do enjoy each others company, we make each other laugh and we brighten each others day up.
hes a very private person but over time hes learnt he can trust me 100% so hes opened up to me and we are able to talk very closely with oneanother telling me things hes never even shared with his wife before.
we always look forward to catching each other online if and when hes able to get on, and we admit we miss each other alot when either of us are not about..
weve never met and have no intentions as such to meet as we are both happy enough with what we have on the computer, plus we know we couldnt take things any further in real life anyway due to him being married.
all we see it is alovely, kind of innocent, although his family wouldnt see it like that if ever they found out, would they, special friendship.
now, id like to know your views please, is this classed as cheating?
lol ... It's OK Ice.Maiden, I didn't really take your comment personally.
zxyvixy we are not still together as she and her husband have moved to another part of the country, but do stay in touch now and then. Obviously I don't think our affair damaged either of us, and it didn't affect our partners either. And had we both been single, I suspect we'd still be together today (but then I wouldn't have been able to give answer to this question).
nolaces, there are people who see what you are doing as cheating, I'm not one of them. I have some friends I only ever see on line. They brighten the day when they are around, and are missed when I don't see them for a while. I do tell my wife about them and what is going on in their lives, but I don't tell her everything we chat about. I'd say keep the friendship you have, value it and appreciate it for what it is, and don't worry about what others think. You may have to think about it again if it interferes with your own relationship, but until then enjoy it.
zxyvixy we are not still together as she and her husband have moved to another part of the country, but do stay in touch now and then. Obviously I don't think our affair damaged either of us, and it didn't affect our partners either. And had we both been single, I suspect we'd still be together today (but then I wouldn't have been able to give answer to this question).
nolaces, there are people who see what you are doing as cheating, I'm not one of them. I have some friends I only ever see on line. They brighten the day when they are around, and are missed when I don't see them for a while. I do tell my wife about them and what is going on in their lives, but I don't tell her everything we chat about. I'd say keep the friendship you have, value it and appreciate it for what it is, and don't worry about what others think. You may have to think about it again if it interferes with your own relationship, but until then enjoy it.
My mother was unfaithful to my father.
She stayed with him until my younger sister and was leaving home at 18.
It gave us a stable home life while we were children.
Would you rather I were brought up in a single parent familly?
She's been married to her 2nd husband 20 years now.
It's not always that easiy really is it?
She stayed with him until my younger sister and was leaving home at 18.
It gave us a stable home life while we were children.
Would you rather I were brought up in a single parent familly?
She's been married to her 2nd husband 20 years now.
It's not always that easiy really is it?
There is no set answer as to why people cheat. I am not condoning an extra-marital affair, but neither am I condemning it - because as Ethel says, relationships are not always a simple case of black & white.
Serial cheaters who do it for the kick, the ego boost, without a thought for their partner's - well that's not justifiable. But there are other reasons a partner may stray; sometimes a need for love & affection they are just not getting from their spouse, no matter how hard they have tried.
There is no right or wrong, because all circumstances and reasons vary tremendously. When I was younger, I thought any form of 'cheating' was immoral and reprehensible. Now, after learning a little more of the world & complications in relationships, I am a little less judgmental.
And yes - I have 'cheated'. But it was not entered into lightly, there was never any pride in what I was doing - but my reasons for feeling the need to I can try & justify, but don't feel I should have to.
Serial cheaters who do it for the kick, the ego boost, without a thought for their partner's - well that's not justifiable. But there are other reasons a partner may stray; sometimes a need for love & affection they are just not getting from their spouse, no matter how hard they have tried.
There is no right or wrong, because all circumstances and reasons vary tremendously. When I was younger, I thought any form of 'cheating' was immoral and reprehensible. Now, after learning a little more of the world & complications in relationships, I am a little less judgmental.
And yes - I have 'cheated'. But it was not entered into lightly, there was never any pride in what I was doing - but my reasons for feeling the need to I can try & justify, but don't feel I should have to.
