Other people's kids - Part 2

[New Seeker]

...What I feel is that Claire has not been prepared to take into account my feelings in the whole matter, and when I eventually said I needed her to do something about it, i.e. have a quiet word with Naomi, she pressed the 'off' switch and told me 'not to visit anymore'.

Was I being unreasonable by saying I could no longer visit unless Naomi's nastiness stopped? Should I, as the adult in the situation, have just continued to take the pounding?

Finally, I would mention that throughout the 18 months I did occasionally raise the issue with Claire about the problem, but, again, she said that as the adult in the situation, I would just have to 'stand for it', or 'find someone else to be close friends with, who does not have children'.

I would appreciate any viewpoints, advice on this matter, please. If I am in the wrong, then that's fair enough, but I just can't see how fairer I could have been, or how I could have handled it all differently.

New Seeker

P.S. I have not at any stage tackled Naomi directly over her behaviour, because of her age, and because I felt I should be polite when invited as a guest to someone else's house. Was this my mistake?

[sara3]

if you had never mentioned this before, that would be a bit different, but as you have been brushed off before I think you are completely right.

the 18 yr old is a brat who needs to grow up and learn some manners, and her mother doesn't sound much better. I know that sounds harsh, but that's how it looks to me. you're well rid of the pair of them

[caththecrazy]

I have a feeling that Naomi will do this with any male her mother has a friendship/relationship with. More fool the mother for allowing it.

Even if she didn't tackle her daughter in front of you for fear of embarrassing you both she should have done in private, she's doing herself and her daughter no favours.

[brenda]

New Seeker, I think the Mother is totally in the wrong to allow her daughter to speak to you in the way that she does and to behave badly towards you.

It is the height of bad manners in my view and way over the top.

However the Mother may be feeling vunerable , and not want to alienate her daughter and risk a further family breakdown., which could be understandable.
If you want to continue seeing this lady , could you not meet up outside of her home?Not the same I knowbut better than nothing and way better than you being humiliated every time.

Alternatively , cool off the relationship, explain why and leave any future contact to be started by the Mum. or not as the case maybe.
It really is down to the Mum , nothing you can say will improve the position , you can't win them all you know.
Good luck.

[bednobs]

you keep saying "because of her age" so you make her sound like 8 rather than 18. She is a grown up and there is no excuse

[R1Geezer]

sound like a right pair of brainless b1tches to me mate, you've had a lucky escape! Just ignore them and see what occurs. Then if they contact you, you can shout the odds. Don't contact them again first or the'll treat you like even more of a doormat

[londonlove]

I don't want to seem mean but I don't think the mother is interested in you in the slightest and invites you only through a misguided sense of kindness and not wishing to be rude, or maybe she is scared of being left lonely , in which case you are taking advantage by hanging around when you have been brushed off (first politely but now increasingly rudely).

As you say, the relationship was never going anywhere much in the first place and now you have made a stand by making her choose between you and her child, she has gone for the sensible option in sticking by her daughter. Also I cannot help but suggest that some of the daughter's mocking is inspired by things she has heard her mother saying. Maybe they see you as weak as you didn't offer any stability. Maybe you pose a threat to the current family balance, and you are not spreading joy by any means. There are plenty of women in the world so don't make two (at least) feel uncomfortable and unhappy in their own home.

Naomi is an adult now and if her mother prefers her company to your own company, then you will have to accept this. It's not expected nowadays for kids to leave home as early as they used to in life and maybe her mum loves her with all her warts and all (of course).

I have to say that I used to have a similar friend who just used to turn up with very little left in common, who expected to sit in front of the tv and stay for hours, when a simple hour or two with no expectations might have been pleasant, or even out of the family home for a change, as Brenda says. I know this will sound harsh but you have to move on, and leave yourself with some dignity and tact.

[New Seeker]

Thank you all for your responses, views and advice. Will give the matter further thought.
New Seeker