Should I leave my husband?

[yawyaw6]

I have been married 28 years. For the first 5 years my husband was an alcoholic and very physically and emotionally abusive. The physical abuse stopped when he stopped drinking, the emotional abuse has never stopped. He has had 5 affairs that I know about,there were probably more. I have no job and no family to turn to,I also have no close friends. He made sure of that, because its hard to control someone if they have friends to count on. He makes me cry at least twice a week. I have asked him to go to marriage counselling but he refuses on the grounds that you don't tell your problems to strangers. He says if i go alone he will divorce me because he's not being married to a nutcase. I've tried to find a job, but we live in a very depressed area and that's almost impossible. He has no money for me to use to leave as he lost his job over a year ago. What do you think i should do? I feel kind of guilty giving up on 28 years but I would like to be happy at least once before I die. Any helpful comments would be greatly appreciated.

[waterboatman]

It's a no brainer yawyaw. You deserve better than that. Although he is your husband he does not have the right to treat you so. You do have the right to be happy. My advice is to let him divorce you. from what you say the decision will go in your favour. Meanwhile find somewhere else to live, there may be a women's hostel or somesuch as a temporary measure, they may also be able to help you with advice etc. You are not giving up on 28 years of marriage, you are getting away from 28 years of abuse. Do it today girl.

[lotsafun]

tottally agree with the above, its never to late to start over again and you deserve better than this. please dont waste another 28 years on this person! i came out of a bausive relationship nearly 10 years ago and it was the best thing i ever did, it wont be easy to start with but there is so much help out there available to you. May i suggest to contact womens aid who will tell you everything you need to know. They can not only provide you with shelter but also help you with finding a permenant residence, money/benefits, and tell you of any grants you can get etc to help you set up your new home as well as setting you up with some ongoing support, They were fantastic with me.

[ummmm]

One simple question.....Do you love him?

[sara3]

I'm not quite sure what you're waiting for. it's not going to get any better.

no one is saying it will be easy but it's definitely time to move on. lots of luck to you.

[carmalee]

you've answered your own question really - contact a society for abused women and they will give you all the help and support you need - including temporary accommodation. Your husband is a bully and has done all the classic things to control you - by putting you in this position he thinks you can't fight back which proves what a thoroughly useless and pathetic person he is - now is the time to prove him wrong - like most bullies he is a coward at heart. Make contact now and take the first step towards being happy. Good luck

[zzxxee]

you need to build a life for yourself a trial seperation maybe ???

[ummmm]

Sara....it tends to be a lot easier than people fear. When I left my abusive Ex the sense of relief far out weighed any problems.

Have you no close friends at all? Who owns the house?

[pink-kittens]

Absolutely agree that it is never too late to start again
The longer you stay the longer you continue to allow his behaviour. Sorry, but I would have left after his first affair (i did when I found my ex was cheating)
As waterboatman - try a hostel, refuge even B&B to start with. If you have to rely on benefits to escape, so be it, it wont be forever will it?

Do any of your firends know of your situation? Do you have any support at all?
Try you GP and if your husband will really leave you if you seek counselling, I know what I would do - in a heartbeat!

[Bbbananas]

I usually prattle on & on in my answers, but in this case my advice to you is succinct: yes, leave him.

[lil75]

I left an abusive partner, my ex was terrible and like you he tried to make me lose all my friends, I was fortunate enough that they stuck around despite him threatening them and putting one of them in hospital...I was in a council property though (in my name only) which made it a bit easier, the council was well aware of what was going on and agreed that some distance had to be put between us, so they offered me somewhere else to live...he went to work and I packed my things and was gone....it was the best thing I ever did, I will never forget my 1st night in my new place, it was lovely and peaceful and I kept saying to myself.....I cant believe I done it! I had nothing really, but I didnt care, and have built my life up since...you have to leave him, its no good, you have to go through a bit more turmoil in order to find your happiness, good luck x

[sara3]

ummmm.. I know but I'd guess that yawyaw's self-esteem has been battered and for her, it probably looks like a mountain to climb.

for me, feeling happy and relaxed in your own home would outweigh the mountain.

[cazzz1975]

you should know the answer is yes, your post does not speak of any positives. Its not a case of giving up on 28 years, its a case of wasting 28 years. some unhappily married people would rather live miserably as long as they are clocking up years in the belief that if its long then it must be happy.