partners not 'putting out'

[Snafu03]

recently read in the paper about a man who killed his wife because she'd refused him sex for 2 years. An extreme example to say the least but the cause of it was the ongoing sexual neglect inflicting on him by someone who was no doubt happy to enjoy the security of a relationship with him but not have any physical feelings for him (thats 'in my opinion')

The disparity between what couples view as 'often enough' sex is hardly uncommon. I know of alot of male friends of mine who are resentful of wifes/partners not putting out enough. No doubt there are equal amounts of men who arent showing their wives enough attention in that department as well.

But if the frustation of sexual neglect would be enough to tempt you into cheating, you are always going to be in the wrong and jeopardise your marriage, family and house. Is denying a partner their sexual needs fair? There is always an underlying reason why one partner doesnt want to participate (its not you its me etc etc) Fair enough, but does that partner not realise that an outlet has to be provided for their other half who still has the urge?

Its something couples have to work with I guess. But if one partner is happy with every other aspect of the relationship are they going to want to fix something they're not really bothered with? Talking it through will more than likely lead to resentment and creating a sexual taboo between the couple; this is because it should come naturally and not need to be discussed.

[Greedyfly]

lmao... I find some of these views archaic.

I completely agree that sex should be discussed more within relationships and if it were maybe people wouldn't stray or seperate (if they can find common ground) but to assume that a couple has to have sex regular to be happy is not always the case and to assume that the women has to put out whether she likes it or not is ridiculous!

[Greedyfly]

Procreation - so what about those who cannot or do not want children? Is ok for those couples to agree not to have sex if that's what they want?

Can I ask Tambo - are you religious? (I am not trying to cause offense by asking I would like to add)

[Snafu03]

Its an age old problem; this is why prostitution is often referred to as 'the oldest profession'.

I guess the question here is 'it is selfish for someone to cherry pick what they do and dont want from a relationship?' Is it fair to either keep someone in a relationship or wait for them to make the move away if you're not 100% with them?

[tamborine]

am a lapsed RC, gf. Had 40y of marriage & been thru similar probs to most of you but my vows were important.

[daffy654]

I have just discussed this post with my oh. His opinion is that whilst sex is very important in a relationship he would not want me to 'put out' because I felt that I had to. He would want me to enjoy the experience too, not just feel duty bound to satisfy his needs... he is perfectly capable of DIY if he gets desperate (his words, not mine).

[Greedyfly]

I totally understand that vows are important and I respect that. But what if you have found the love of your life. You have decided children are not an option and have decided that this is the 'one' on both sides. During that relationship the sex life dwindles and one partner no longer has the desire. It is discussed and both partners agree that while it's not perfect/ideal in that sense, they are happy with all other aspects of the relationship and would rather choose love over sex. Surely this is what a relationship is? As long as there is communication and love I do not see why the relationship cannot continue?

I would like to point out that my relationship is a happy one and we have a great understanding of each others needs/desires.

[pastafreak]

'Lie back and think of England' springs to mind.........
Does anyone really want sex with a partner who does not want it as much??
Any relationship has its 'dry spells'...we are not always constant in our moods or feelings.

[pastafreak]

" . Marriage is not for platonic friendships its for procreation.".......then strictly speaking,sex is ONLY engaged in when children are to be the outcome....anything else is a no-no.

[Greedyfly]

Exactly... I most certainly do not want children and don't think I will ever feel the need. But I won't let that stop me =0

[tamborine]

if the OH needs sex & you dont, it's physically painful for the denied. Karma Sutra is a good sex guide imo.

Not having children is between the couple's own values.

[Greedyfly]

I have never seen sex as a need. Maybe this is where we differ?

[tamborine]

If sex wasn't a need there wouldn't be prostitutes. How often have you heard "my wife doesn't understand me".....nowt to do with language :)

[Greedyfly]

I don't need sex, I want it. I have never needed it.

[Snafu03]

Very true Greedyfly. Its a hunger and a desire which does need to be sated, but no ill will come if we dont get it - like if we dont obey our thirst for water or hunger for food.

But then again maybe ill will come, not in the form of physical damage but in physcological damage.

[ummmm]

Shocking Tambo...I'm speechless.

I'm in favour of making an effort but c'mon...you can't be serious.

[tamborine]

"making an effort" ummmm......that's shocking !

[Greedyfly]

I cannot see where this 'sex is a right' crap has come from?

[cazzz1975]

if you are in a relationship I feel its important to make the effort, set time aside regularly, not only is it good for the relationship but it keeps the closeness. its as important as keeping yourself groomed for each other.

[Sqad]

I agree with tambo............if the wife or a husband, for whatever reason, wants a celibate marriage, that is fine, but surely he or she doesn´t or shouldn´t expect the other half to be celibate as well.

If he\or she does, then this, will almost certainly lead to infidelity.

[cazzz1975]

would that also work if the gentleman was suffering from erectile dysfunction sqad...?