How do I get over break up and bereavement

[joannewatson]

Have had a pretty tough year. I broke up with my husband after 15 years last July as I found out he had been having an affair for about 2 years. We have a little boy who is now 3 so after lots of begging and pleading I agreed to try again, this happened 6 times in total and each time he went back to her. I'm silly I know!
My dad died at the end of May (my mum died 9 years ago) and I am finding it really difficult to get over both this and the break up. I still want him, although I would never get back with him now. My little boy is now spending time with his daddy's 'friend' and I hate it, although I have not been funny about it as it was bound to happen at some point.
Please can I have some advise on what steps I need to take help get myself in a better place, I'm fed up of feeling like this. Always was a positive person but have felt mostly miserable for the last 3 years. Thanks

[sherminator]

Thats a rubbish story! Im sorry for you and cant really help! The only advice i can give is if you ever start thinking about him and you allow yourself to'wallow' just physically say no and go and do something! housework a jog put on some music you like! Don't let yourself sit there stewing in memories of what used to be!

dont know if thats any good but hope it helps!

[BeaverDiva]

Get out and find yourself your own "new friend" ! Doesn't have to be anything serious - just someone you can go out for walks/drinks with - can be just that, a friend - but get out there and meet people. This scumbag has taken enough of your time off you - time for you and your little boy now - so love the freedom and get out of the house ! Best of luck to you - sorry you've been having such a hard time of things xx

[4getmenot]

You're relying too much on others to make you happy, as I always say after a break stay single, concentrate on you, your needs, spend time with your female friends and enjoy life. You dont need someone else to make you happy.

[joannewatson]

Thanks for your replies. It has made me feel a bit more positive. Small steps! Thanks

[CAJ1]

I agree with 4getmenot, you need to deal with the way you're feeling instead of getting into another relationship and masking the pain, if you do that it all catches up with you eventually!

Try exercising, this will boost the endorphins that help you feel good.
Try to eat a healthy balanced diet and get a decent nights sleep each night
It might be beneficial to go and see a counsellor to talk through how you are feeling and just to get it off your chest
Meet up with your friends and plan to do something once a week to get you out of the house and socialising.
Maybe plan a holiday for you and your son, it'll give you something to look forward to.

I know its hard, I've had my fair share of crap to deal with but you get there. You can always come on here for a chat too if you want to get something off your chest! :)

[joannewatson]

Thanks, it does help to talk about it. Its funny you should say that about a holiday though as I have just come back from Spain, it was the worst holiday ever and I just wanted to come home! I thought it would do me good, but I think it did the opposite.

[boxtops]

joanne, I can't endorse enough what the others have said. You need space and time to find yourself and find out the things which are important to YOU, and not to please someone else. Well done, and brave you, for making the split - you know it is the right thing to do, so start to have faith in yourself. You have made the big first step by admitting that you don't want to feel like this any longer.
Your dad dying has compounded the grief you feel - however hard the marital life, it's always sad when a relationship ends and you sound like you gave it your all. Your sadness for your dad will settle in time, you've had a lot happening all at once, so you need to allow yourself to live with that for a bit, and it sounds like you are now ready to start to move on.
Do a bit of self-assessment, make a list for yourself of what you are really good at, what you'd like to learn to be good at, and why people will like you when they know you - go out into the world and be who you want to be. You can't do much about "daddy's friend", just make your home a place where your little boy will want to come back to, and where he can make up his own mind - he must find it confusing too. A confident mum who feels happy with herself will make him feel confident about the situation.
"Small steps" is the way to do it. Step 1 you've done - step 2 - what about getting your hair done, go for something different? This is the New You!

[NoMercy]

Hi, Jo.

Sorry to hear about your problems. I'm no relationship expert, so won't attempt to impart any advice on that score. However, reading between the lines, I'd say that your confidence isn't brimming at the moment, and so I'd say that is the first thing you need to work on.

Forget men for the time being. You have a lovely son, and he should be the most important thing in your life right now... but you still need to make time for yourself.

Start by listing all the things you like about yourself - effectively reminding yourself that you have a lot going for you. Then concentrate on spoiling/pampering yourself. Facials, pedicures, coffees out with friends... all the silly things that will put a smile on your face. When your confidence begins to rise, you will feel liberated and ready to face the day. And who knows... you may catch someone's eye. ;-)

[tastymorsel]

I read your post with interest because it almost exactly mirrored my break up.I discovered last July that my husband of 30 years was having an affair with a friend of mine(some friend) he pleaded with me for us not to split up but refused to remove her number from his phone and couldn't promise not to see her again.I am in the process of divorcing him and he is still seeing her although she has told him that she doesn't want a relationship and she is treating him like sh1t.(all a game to her)Every time she kicks him when he is down he runs to me.I love him to bits but like you I could never live with him again.The trust has been destroyed.I also have a son but he is 26 and wants nothing to do with his dad which hurts me because at the end of the day he will always be his dad but at least I don't have the pain of him spending time with the bitch.My mum also died suddenly in january and I thought I was going mad with the grief of it all.Anyway the point I am trying to make is that although you think that you will never recover from it all,believe me you will.I still love my husband and totally absolutely hate the BITCH and was worried that I was going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this.I made a list of all the positive things about him not being around any more eg:- no more footie on telly.No more loud music until all hours.Going out and coming home when I wanted etc and find that it helps to refer to it when I feel low.Also try to get out as much as possible,either with your son and without him if you can get a reliable baby sitter.I wish you all the luck in the world and I personally feel your pain.No-one can truly understand unless they have been there but there are a lot of nice people on this site who will try to help.all the best

[joannewatson]

boxtops and nomercy, thank you for the good advice. However, I dont think there would be any chance of getting into another relationship anyway as I dont have the time (which is also the reason I can't do any excersize). However, I can make sure I eat healthily and try and sleep better (I lay awake as thoughts are spinning around in my head).

tasty, it sounds like you've had a pretty hard time too. I hope things improve for you. I feel the same and wish I could just stop loving him.

[Nosha123]

Dear Jo... you have been through a lot.. so its no wonder you feel down...
You need to pick yourself up - for your sake and for your lovely little boy...
Start one step at a time... you need to get some friends or family around you to help support you... Your lovely dad would be heartbroken to hear you are so sad....

Start by building up your confidence.. whether that be an outfit - some make up - a shopping treat - a haircut - some exercise! What ever!
small steps one at a time - and before you know it you'll be feeling your old perky self!

[Marijn]

I lost my dad three months after my husband left. I survived. I know you're a survivor, I can see that in everything you've written. But don't underestimate the benefits of talking it through with a good consellor.