Happiness?

[KRUSTYMAN]

Sorry this is a little longwinded. 28 years ago after a short relationship my g/friend got a little confused and translated something I said as a proposal. Not wanting to upset her I went along with it all rather than upset her and thought maybe it is the right thing to do. After we married, I decided that I could'nt leave her and leave her 'damaged and possibly less worthy to other prospective suitors' so I stuck with it. We had two children and in the last 28 years she has made my life a living hell. In all that time we've made love/sex perhaps 50 times - I always got pushed away and told don't you think I do enough around the house. I'm not a lazy person I worked 16 hours shifts sometimes 7 days a week and then still tried to help around the house and decorate etc. In the end I got tired of being pushed away in bed - being told that the kids come first, the house second with me a pretty poor third. As for the sex, I complained and we argued and was told if I wanted it to go elsewhere but I wouldn't be welcome in my home anymore. I could have cheated but through all my stupidity I clung to my integrity and never did. Now my kids have grown up, my daughter left home and does her best to avoid visiting to avoid her mother. Now I find myself unable to work due to a spinal injury and obviously quite depressed to say the least. I have recently started talking to a younger lady who, unbeknown to me, suffers badly from depression. Do you think I've done my 'fair share' and clung to my integrity for too long. I'm not planning on changing my no adultery rule but I do find myself falling for this other woman. I'm torn do I stay and let what's left of my soul wither and die or do I try to move on and away? This really isn't a hoax question. I once explained my situation to my work colleagues - my honesty is another of my 'weaknesses' - during a lunch break when we were all discussing wives and families big mistake - should I, can I move on and be happy with someone else

[Woody23]

I was in a similar situation and have similar values to yours. Walk away, don't look back. It's tough short-term, but you can be happy with someone else.

[joko]

do you think perhaps that marrying someone 'by mistake' and for reasons such as you dont want to leave her 'damaged and possibly less worthy to other prospective suitors' ...is perhaps why she has made your life hell?
i dont blame her one bit not wanting you near her...

you made her think you loved her and wanted her - and by marrying her you prevented her from finding someone that really wanted her!

she is now old and bitter at finding she has wasted her youth and her love and her life on someone that only married her because of some dithering cowardice, and some outdated and frankly chauvenistic view of divorced women being 'second hand goods'

you have the life you deserve.

[KRUSTYMAN]

Many thanks to you all for you very kind words and advice. joko - I have never once told my wife or even hinted that I married her by mistake and have always done my utmost to try and love her - if not for me but for her. I have never told her that she was damaged and possibly less worthy. I have done everything I could think of to the opposite. I told her that I loved because I thought it's what I should do and even then I never once heard it in return. I'm sorry you view my actions to be 'dithering cowardice' and that my views of women are outdated and chauvenistic that's just the way I am. My wifes sisters know what she is like, they're scared to talk to her in case they say something wrong or wrong in my wifes eyes. We were in Paris recently to celebrate my 50th birthday and I asked my wife to take a couple of pics of me next to The Venus de Milo etc and after the first 2 photos during our stay she said that she didn't want to take my photos and couldn't understand why I wanted my photograph taken. For once I spoke up (big mistake) and said that yes I'm not ashamed to say that I do like my picture being taken and who knows when we'll ever visit Paris again. I then said something really, really stupid and said 'lt's perfectly normal to want to take some pics as mementoes' to my wifes ears this turned was translated as her not being normal because she didn't like hers being taken and she treated me to a further 3 days in Paris walking on eggshells and being treated as if I wasn't there. Do you really think I deserve a life like this?

[ummmm]

No you don't....leave her. You'd have served less for murder...and would probably have had a better time.

Your loyalty is very noble...but you've robbed your own life.

[~Wingnut~]

Agree with the others, leave her, you deserve so much more and to be happy. She sounds horrible and the Paris trip made me really feel for you. She doesn't deserve someone like you.

[LoftyLottie]

I agree with everybody else. However, we are only seeing your side of the story and we shouldn't be scathing about your wife. The facts are you are in a marriage in which you are extremely unhappy. You have stayed in it for honourable reasons, but you now need to consider your own happiness and move away. Your wife doesn't sound like a happy person either so you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

[KRUSTYMAN]

I do worry that she'll end up old and alone and ,before someone points out the obvious, I also hope that she would find someone compatible and go on to have a 'happier' life for herself. I'm not made of stone, I know that I have surrendered over half my life to someone who could've gone on to find real happiness if I had had the strength to tell her my feeling 28 years ago. It is, as you all know, a monumental life change and I have to confess to being more than a little scared!

[ummmm]

Fear stops you doing things....when you finally do it you'll wonder what you were ever scared of. Especially when that weight is lifted off your shoulders xx

[LoftyLottie]

KRUSTY. Do it before you get any older. But, as others have said, don't do it because of the younger lady you talk of. Do it recognising that you might spend the rest of your life without a partner. It can happen!! However, being single is prefereble to living on eggshells like you are at the moment.

I wish you all the best. It won't be easy, in fact in will be extremely difficult and change your life completely, but in the end you will more than likely be a lot more content.

[LoftyLottie]

'preferable' of course!

[LoftyLottie]

Quick note to ummmm - I am still recovering from yesterday!! (sorry KRUSTY)

[ummmm]

It won't be as difficult as you think though. You may also find that once you've done it this lady you mention is not so appealing anymore.

[joko]

i agree you should leave - you should have done it years ago - freed you both to find someone genuine.

you may not have 'said' thos words to her but she is not blind...do you really think she doesnt know? 30-odd years together..she will know how you have realy felt for ages.

keeping schtum and being polite does not show love and presumably she knew that.

as i said, she is probably bitter and nagry with you for what you have done...you trapped her in a loveless marriage.

you are blaming her and accusing her of being a nightmare - you must take some responsibilty for making her that way...

id like to hear her version of this...i bet it would be very differrnt from yours...and we would all be pitying her too

[KRUSTYMAN]

I'm sorry joko but I have already admitted that yes things may have been better, yes I could in some bizarre way be to blame as well - just cannot understand your unwarranted venom, are you always this warm and friendly or do you simply 'get off' on it? You've made two comments and both just as bitter as the other - I can't believe that I made you like that.

[boxtops]

Krusty, you say you are 50, presumably your wife is similar - THIS IS NOT OLD. Many of us have started out with fresh partners after the age of 50 - I know I did - and life can be so good again. You will feel guilty, it's part of live - but go. You owe it to yourself - indeed to both of you to let both of you try to find some happiness.

[D_James]

Is she violent towards you?

[KRUSTYMAN]

Regards the violence - yes she has. And joko I've just read your thread about 'how to stay strong when you spilt with someone...' - after 18months and it was long time coming? Methinks you might have some areas of expertise but I really am asking a genuine question and I don't expect to be judged, sentenced and executed on the basis of your past failures. Please don't be so nasty.

[maggie21]

Finding happiness is like finding yourself. You don't find happiness, you make happiness. You choose happiness. Self-actualization is a process of discovering who you are, who you want to be and paving the way to happiness by doing what brings YOU the most meaning and contentment to your life,follow you`re heart not you`re conscience.

[joko]

don't try to turn this round on me...trying to imply i'm disagreeing with you because i am some bitter an twisted person is just lame, lazy and a cop-out

i am not angry or bitter at all - i am still with that guy

why are you looking up my old questions? bit weird eh?

i have not 'executed' you at all - are you always this dramatic?

you have come on here making yourself sound like a lovely amiable man who has given up his whole life for the sake of a woman who appears to hate you, and you wanted pity and praise

i find it hard to believe that you are innocent of all blame as you seem to feel.

there is no venom here, just an opinion. im sorry its not one you like and i am not filling you with praise, but as much as you feel you have wasted your life, i think YOU have wasted hers too.

its one thing to waste your own...no-one else to blame - but to waste someone elses is wrong on so many levels, yet in your mind you find it 'bizarre' that you should be even remotely responsible....!

you have painted her as some evil harridan out to make your life hell...maybe she is... but my point is - maybe she feels you deserve it for ruining her life...??

all this anger from her must come from somewhere, wouldn't you agree?

[ttfn]

Oh Krusty - our lives are too short as it is. I would say you should do what makes you happy - everyone deserves some happiness in their life - it seems as if you are still waiting for yours. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Whatever you decide I wish you the very best.