BF TROUBLE

[JAC25]

Hiya.

My bf has recently been having some family troubles and his mind is all over the place. We have been arguing quite a bit and last week he came home (he lives with me and my parents) and said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. He didn't know the reason why. The next day he came back to say that he did want to be with me but needed some space and was going to live at his parents a few days of the week. Turns out he has got freaked out about commitment (we have been together for 4 1/2 years) and says that he doesn't want anything serious until he is ready which won't be for a while.

I can't think of anything worse than losing him and am trying everything I can to put the spark back into the relationship (organising dates, sending him sweet messages). I really think he is the one and would be distraught if he left me. The last few days he has carried on as normal and is really affectionate. Do you think that I am silly for waiting around and hoping that he is happy again or is this just a blip?

Please help, I'm so down :(

[1987mandy]

Maybe that's the problem ummm, the boyfriend wants his space which may be translated as he's not happy there. Jac maybe you need to move out so you and your boyfriend have space away from your parents, can i ask how is your sex life as im assuming you can't really get wild or walk around naked with your parents there which may be getting your boyfriend down. Has he ever mentioned anything about this? Also what is your boyfriends relationship with your parents like?

[ummmm]

Have a look Sqad...

http://www.rightmove....layPropertyType=flats

[JAC25]

I didnt think I had stopped him enjoying things but I guess we were just gettin under each others toes because we are together quite a bit. He is out this weekend and I have told him to give me a ring if he wants to do anything so I have left the ball in his court. Hopefully he won't feel so tied down now. I have plans tonight so I'm going to enjoy myself with some friends and let him get in touch when he wants.

[1987mandy]

£500 a month for a two bedroomed flat is dirt cheap!

[ummmm]

I agree....I couldn't live with my OH's parents.

[daffy654]

One bedroomed flats round here are £450 pcm Sqad. We are lucky with our landlord in that he realises he can't charge us more than £400 pcm for the two bed terraced we rent (it is in a considerable state of disrepair)

[LoftyLottie]

It's not easy to find rental properties, but I wouldn't say it is impossible. It might take up nearly all your income, but you will manage. Life isn't easy. Relationships are strengthened in my opinion when you have to work together. Gosh, you can't even have a good row when you live with your parents!!

[JAC25]

The idea behind a few days apart a week for him to live at home come from him saying that when he hasn't seen me for a few days he really misses me and wants to see me. We don't want to split completly but feel a few days apart will keep it fresh. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

[ummmm]

So what will he do when you do eventually move in together?

[carmalee]

Can't force feelings but you can make things happen - give the bloke all the space he needs to 'enjoy himself' - you go out and do the same then if/when you both decide you want to be together make a plan - either rent flat/caravan with or without all the mod cons (which most people seem to deem absolutely necessary at the start of living together)- but most definitely without parents - you have to decide what's important - relationships need to be work on from both sides and if it's not important to one of you then it ain't going to work no matter what you do.

[LoftyLottie]

Sorry Jac. But I still think it's a terrible idea. He gets the best of both worlds. No commitments to you, no real commitments to running a home of his own. He needs to grow up in my opinion. Do you really want someone who needs to spend a few days away from you to keep a relationship going whilst you live at home with your parents.
He either wants to be with you permanently or he doesnt.

It strikes me that you will agree to this arrangement just to keep him, but I think that is a huge mistake.

[JAC25]

Sex life is good even more so lately. His relationship with my parents is great. They r really welcoming and he gets on with my siblings really well. But yes I think that its put a strain on things cuz he still doesn't relax properly and cant just get up and go and get anything from the kitchen.

[LoftyLottie]

If you are going to stay together you need somewhere you can both call 'home' and where you can both be yourselves with no other family members around. You can't have a proper relationship whilst you are living with your parents.

We had nothing when we first got together. A rented house and no furniture - great. We begged and borrowed from people. We had to cope! If you were teenagers I could understand things a bit more but you are 25!

[Sqad]

Lofty.....I am not sure what this has to do with the question, but.......when I was in Scarborough I had many fishermans wives who were patients of mine and by and large, they had successful and lengthy marriages. I asked one day why this was so and she replied "Because they are away at sea so often"

Now that goes for the wives and the husbands, but husbands differ (as do wives) and some may feel that now and then they need a "bit of space"

Just a general point you understand;-)

[Ankou]

as per my 1st post i think you are being led up the garden path. your posts seem to say you have accepted this and are content, but that doesn't tally with your original q.

have you suggested renting somewhere together? have you suggested a few nights away at a hotel? if i suggested to my partner that i move out for a few days a week, she'd change the locks cut up my clothes and smash my car in (probably).

you need more backbone and be more demanding i say, unless this arrangement is really really what you want.

[ummmm]

I was in a relationship with someone who worked away for years. He'd come back once every 6 weeks or so. I hated it....he just got in my way and annoyed the hell out of me...

[Sqad]

ummmm....I hated it as well.......climbing out of your bedroom window, half dressed, every 6 weeks.

[LoftyLottie]

Sqad, I actually love it when Mr LL goes away for a few days, and we have spent quite a lot of time apart. I can do my own thing - great. We have spent months apart in the past for one reason or another - one being that I went off to Australia to visit family.

But he has never said to me. "I need some space for a couple of days a week so will move back to my parents and then come back to you when I feel the need to see you (or perhaps have sex!)" Somewhat different I think!"

[Sqad]

lofty....;-) point taken you crafty, adorable and shrewd "wench"

[Woody23]

JAC. I'd say that Lottie is offering good advice. You do need to get somewhere of your own - whatever that may be. Then you will be able to properly gauge his level of commitment. If it's not there (after 4.5 years!!), move on...