Just need some opinions, please....

[Amber-Rose]

I am 40, he is 51 (almost). He is self employed. Has a contract to work away for three months, starting very soon. Has worked away on about 4 separate occasions now - 2 months at a time, making silly money. I have always been supportive, but now am getting cheesed off. He doesn't NEED to go, he is self employed and goes abroad as its good money, it excites him and he gets to see the world. (he goes to war zone areas). I feel like I am just here to keep the house, etc. He says I am being unreasonable and shouldn't stop him going (although I couldn't if I wanted to! He accepts the job and then tells me..) I just feel like he is living his life how he wants it - regardless of me or not and that he would not miss me if I were gone. It is just him and me - both been married before and he has kids and I don't.. Am I being unreasonable?

[ummmm]

In my opinion...yes.

It's his job..

[sara3]

yes.

you should also be living your life how you want, and perhaps this isn't the relationship for you..

[dotty.]

His earning potential now may not last, he could be out of work for months if nothing comes along, he's probably trying to get some money behind you both anticipating the lean years or his retirement. Look at the bigger picture , he has kids to look after at some point, can't do that on the dole, which by the way he wouldn;t qualify for anyway as he is SE

[society]

As the others have said, I think you should do as you well please and live your life how best you like. You are only young once so make the best of life while you are still on the young side.

[lotsafun]

i dont see what the problem is really, and if you knew what kind of work he was in to before you became a couple then who are you to say that he cant do it now. My brother also contracts in war zone areas on the camps and is also away for months at a time but despite it being good money he feels hes got to do it to provide finacial security for his family. Hes been away for most of the 1st year of his daughter beind born but jobs are far and few over here so its a no brainer to go back, afterall money doesnt grow on trees and we all know it doesnt last forever either.

[Count-A-Strong]

If you remove this exciting part of his life be will eventually regret it and this could seriously affect your relationship.

[saxy_jag]

My neighbour is in a similar situation, except that she is the older one of the two. The way he sees it, he needs to make the money where he can as he doesn't know when the next job is coming along. She accepts this. She has a job and keeps busy with her kids and grandkids. When he is home/out of work, then at least they get to spend plenty of quality time together and not worry about where the next meal is coming from. She doesn't moan about it - they love and trust one another and know there'll be plenty of time together when they're both retired - hopefully with a decent lifestyle to boot.

Just ask a soldier's wife or husband - they don't get much choice in the matter but they seem to manage.

[woofgang]

reasonable or unreasonable doesn't matter. He ain't gonna change can you deal with it? if not then walk.

[4getmenot]

all people are different, he is obviously a man that does as he pleases and what he wants, I'm sure he would miss you if you were gone, but maybe things in his past have made him live for the moment and not be dragged down. If you want someone that will be there for you, then finish with him and find someone that will.

[karenmac60]

I can see others' points about the money etc, but he should have discussed it with you. You are a couple and should make these decisions together as they affect both of you.

[boxtops]

My OH is away a lot and to be honest, that's the time when I do what I want to do, see the people I want to see, so we both have a more interesting life when we get back together again. Whatever your partner does, if he can earn more by working abroad then with the economic climate in the UK, I would want to encourage it - it's part of the man you are with - I can't imagine that you would prefer that he was at home but out of work and under your feet! If it's in his blood to be away in risky places then he's likely to be unsettled in a purely domestic setting (similar to being married to an active soldier). I would make the most of your time on your own, so that you have lots to talk about when he comes back - and he's making a nice lifestyle for you for the future with his current earnings. Let him do it without complaint while he can. Do you work? - if so make the most of your own development opportunities, study while he's away, don't just sit at home missing him and being domestic. Good luck, I wish you well!

[brenda]

I think you are being unreasonable.Times are hard for well paid work , infact for all jobs really. So here is a man with good earning potential , doing a job that he is most probably good at and well experienced, and you want to make his life different .

What is it that you actually want? Him to be at home with you doing some job or other if he can find one, with less income ?
Or for him to ask you, everytime he gets a posting abroad, if, please may he go?

In my view you have a problem, and I believe it to be you.If you are spending all your time keeping house,in which there is one occupant for some of the time , then you must find it very dull.There is a limited number of times you can put the hoover round and dust .
Have you some interests of your own , if not get some , get out into the world , make some friends, do things.
Think yourself lucky , that your partner wants to do his work , and that he is not some idle layabout who spends all day on the settee with his fags and beer.

[society]

"layabout who spends all day on the settee with his fags and beer."

This ^^^ is Hounslow. :-)

[karenmac60]

Is it just me? I would much rather be with someone I could spend time with and have less than be in a relationship with someone I never see cos he's out earning money to buy things. Do people get into relationships because they love someone or because that person can provide for them???

[boxtops]

Karen, i see where you are coming from, but it very much depends upon the individuals concerned. My OH would be bored silly being around the house all day, and I've never seen him in a 9-5 job - people have to do what they are good at. Providing for your family for the future in doing a job you're good at, seems like a good plan to me. It's not just for the buying things, it's the personal satisfaction from working at a job you like if you are lucky enough to have found it - and some people prefer working abroad to being in the UK. It's very much down to the couples concerned - it's what I'm used to and I don't find it at all difficult to live with.

[karenmac60]

That's fine if it suits both parties and is a joint decision Boxtops, but it seems that's not the case for Amber, and I don't think it's fair for people to tell her to accept it and stop whining. She's part of the couple too and if her partner wants to behave as though he's single and do as he pleases without even consulting her, then why is he even in a relationship?

[woofgang]

very true karen but the OP hasn't made an issue of it till now...she has to choose and he has to choose.......

[trt]

How long have you been together?

[Amber-Rose]

...thanks for all your replies. Been together about 4 years and if I am honest, in my opinion, its been a tough relationship and I have the same issues - you live as a single person with me on the side, but he doesn't see that. He took early retirement from his permanent job because it suited him, and now "wants to see the world, have challanges and excitement whilst earning good money". He accepts he doesn't have to go (for finanical reasons) but is fortunate he can go and go doing work he likes and finds challanges, and thinks I am being unreasonable - but he's going anyway. I guess I feel like my life is slipping away, I am not envious of him at all, but I want to be with someone who takes me into consideration. He has had his kids, his full working life, etc. Great, good for him, but hello?? I am here.

[woofgang]

you have answered your own question.....he's just not that in to you.....