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Broken Trust
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Hello all. I am a regular user, but have chosen to post under this temporary name.
Something happened when I arrived home early yesterday that caused me concern and suspicion (it doesn’t really matter what, just instinct). I have never done this before but decided to look at my partners mobile phone and in there I found several messages to and from a man I have never heard of.
I am really not the jealous type, I have never questioned my partners trust and have never had reason to, but something made me do this yesterday and I was devastated. I asked her immediately who ‘X’ was and she played dumb at first, but I showed her the messages I had seen. The content was along the lines of ‘wish I was with you’, ‘what (local) hotel are you booking into’ and ‘hubby out to gym in 10, ring me then’ etc. There were also some suggestive ones which I care not to repeat. It turns out to be a man from her past.
I went for a long walk to clear my head and we spoke long in to the night when I got back home. She tells me that she doesn’t know why she did it, nothing has or ever will happen and that it has only been going on for a few days. I want to believe her, but I am shattered. I am writing this in tears. She tells me that she loves and wants to be with me, but I don’t know what to believe at the moment. She tells me that there is nothing missing or lacking in our relationship and she feels stupid and wished it had never happened, but I said she is only saying this because she got caught and that there must be something missing. I have calmly said that we will get over this but it will take time, but I am really really hurt.
Something happened when I arrived home early yesterday that caused me concern and suspicion (it doesn’t really matter what, just instinct). I have never done this before but decided to look at my partners mobile phone and in there I found several messages to and from a man I have never heard of.
I am really not the jealous type, I have never questioned my partners trust and have never had reason to, but something made me do this yesterday and I was devastated. I asked her immediately who ‘X’ was and she played dumb at first, but I showed her the messages I had seen. The content was along the lines of ‘wish I was with you’, ‘what (local) hotel are you booking into’ and ‘hubby out to gym in 10, ring me then’ etc. There were also some suggestive ones which I care not to repeat. It turns out to be a man from her past.
I went for a long walk to clear my head and we spoke long in to the night when I got back home. She tells me that she doesn’t know why she did it, nothing has or ever will happen and that it has only been going on for a few days. I want to believe her, but I am shattered. I am writing this in tears. She tells me that she loves and wants to be with me, but I don’t know what to believe at the moment. She tells me that there is nothing missing or lacking in our relationship and she feels stupid and wished it had never happened, but I said she is only saying this because she got caught and that there must be something missing. I have calmly said that we will get over this but it will take time, but I am really really hurt.
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Hi RF, I'm probably going to incur someone's wrath here but don't take this too seriously. Sometimes however much you love someone and I mean genuinely, heartfeltly, breathtakingly love someone, you do just wonder if you are still attractive to the opposite sex. That may lead a woman whose been a wife and mother and has drifted in her own personal self awareness and self worth to a bit of flirting with someone she considers 'safe' ( ex partner etc) and that leads to silly text messages which I think your wife probably had no intention of doing anything about.
Think about it- what would have happened is the text noise would bling off and she would be immediately filled with a sense of being attractive because someone is chasing her. That's all. It doesn't mean she would ever have been unfaithful, to me it just suggests she's lost a bit of herself in being a wife and mother and was just trying to prop herself up.
I understand how hurt you are, but give her and yourself a break- if you make a negative mountain out of this it will only exacerbate the problem- she needs to get her identity back as a woman and not as an extension of you or your kids or being part of even a very happy couple. Talk, take her out and try not to be accusatory because to me the word you used 'scheming' was a bit harsh and imho at the moment she needs your understanding not your anger and hurt or things might go downhill from here.
Think about it- what would have happened is the text noise would bling off and she would be immediately filled with a sense of being attractive because someone is chasing her. That's all. It doesn't mean she would ever have been unfaithful, to me it just suggests she's lost a bit of herself in being a wife and mother and was just trying to prop herself up.
I understand how hurt you are, but give her and yourself a break- if you make a negative mountain out of this it will only exacerbate the problem- she needs to get her identity back as a woman and not as an extension of you or your kids or being part of even a very happy couple. Talk, take her out and try not to be accusatory because to me the word you used 'scheming' was a bit harsh and imho at the moment she needs your understanding not your anger and hurt or things might go downhill from here.
Hello mate, I don't know whether you know my history or if you've ever seen any of the problems I had with my ex, but I know how you feel.
At the end of the day, you can spend hours trying to work out how to make the marriage better, how to punish your ex for what she's done, how to make sure this never happens agai; but it's all pointless unless you've got your own head squared away.
You have had your pride, confidence and trust shattered. You're probably questioning every little thing thats ever happened in your marriage before (every time she's finished work quite late, every girly night out, etc). It's all normal. And if you're anything like I was, then you're in absolute Fluffing pieces right now. Eating, drinking, sleeping, all of this seems irrelevant.
Trust me, it's not. You have to get yourself back on an even keel before you make any decisions about anything. You probably want to scream, shout and lash out at anything that gets in your way; and who can blame you.
My advice to you mate is get yourself away, whether it be going to stay with a brother for a few days, or getting a tent and driving up to the lake district for a couple of days of solitude, fresh air and exercise.
Let yourself cry like a baby, and when then anger boils up again, work it out through exercise. You said earlier that you go to the gym, so get down there and pound ten bells of Sugar out of the punchbag, get on the free weights and bench-press till your arms want to drop off, get on the runner and go hell-for-leather until you want to puke.
Let those magical, wonderful endorphins do their job, and let the stress sweat out of you.
As for Vibes suggestion about baring your teeth, I totally agree. When all is said and done, we males are a primitive tribe, and sometimes going a bit primative on someone can be incrediably theraputic. I'm not talking about knocking him into next week, but just warning him that the next
At the end of the day, you can spend hours trying to work out how to make the marriage better, how to punish your ex for what she's done, how to make sure this never happens agai; but it's all pointless unless you've got your own head squared away.
You have had your pride, confidence and trust shattered. You're probably questioning every little thing thats ever happened in your marriage before (every time she's finished work quite late, every girly night out, etc). It's all normal. And if you're anything like I was, then you're in absolute Fluffing pieces right now. Eating, drinking, sleeping, all of this seems irrelevant.
Trust me, it's not. You have to get yourself back on an even keel before you make any decisions about anything. You probably want to scream, shout and lash out at anything that gets in your way; and who can blame you.
My advice to you mate is get yourself away, whether it be going to stay with a brother for a few days, or getting a tent and driving up to the lake district for a couple of days of solitude, fresh air and exercise.
Let yourself cry like a baby, and when then anger boils up again, work it out through exercise. You said earlier that you go to the gym, so get down there and pound ten bells of Sugar out of the punchbag, get on the free weights and bench-press till your arms want to drop off, get on the runner and go hell-for-leather until you want to puke.
Let those magical, wonderful endorphins do their job, and let the stress sweat out of you.
As for Vibes suggestion about baring your teeth, I totally agree. When all is said and done, we males are a primitive tribe, and sometimes going a bit primative on someone can be incrediably theraputic. I'm not talking about knocking him into next week, but just warning him that the next
Hi Noxy..., Noxlumus,.... Obnoxious, my you have changed over the years!
I really appreciate your input. I know what you are saying, we all feel the need to be reassured that we've still 'got it'. I suppose I do it when I am out for a night with the boys.
I'm not an angry person, just one of those types that thinks too much and things nag away at me. I've been hurt, I feel I need to hurt back, but that is pointless in the long run. I like the 'negative mountain' analogy.
I'm not wussy either - even if I seem it here! I am one of those mean, calculating smiliing assassins that you only find out you have upset me when its too late!
I really appreciate your input. I know what you are saying, we all feel the need to be reassured that we've still 'got it'. I suppose I do it when I am out for a night with the boys.
I'm not an angry person, just one of those types that thinks too much and things nag away at me. I've been hurt, I feel I need to hurt back, but that is pointless in the long run. I like the 'negative mountain' analogy.
I'm not wussy either - even if I seem it here! I am one of those mean, calculating smiliing assassins that you only find out you have upset me when its too late!
...cont
Once, you have got yourself in that frame of mind, where you are able and capable of sorting yourself out, then you can tackle the big decisions about your marriage and your wife. I'm not gonna give hints or tips on how to spice things up, or how to make things work (mainly 'cos I'm rubbish at that). What I am gonna say is that the betrayal will take a long time to get over, and every now and again things will come up that reopen old wounds.
If you do decide to give your wife a second chance then you have to let this go. You cannot bring it up in arguments, or throw it back in her face when you're in a Sugar mood.
Lastly, if your wife objects to you going away, just remind her that it was her actions that forced you into it.
If you have NoM or Fluffys email address then feel free to get mine off them and drop me a line if you need a chat mate.
Good luck, and all the best.
Once, you have got yourself in that frame of mind, where you are able and capable of sorting yourself out, then you can tackle the big decisions about your marriage and your wife. I'm not gonna give hints or tips on how to spice things up, or how to make things work (mainly 'cos I'm rubbish at that). What I am gonna say is that the betrayal will take a long time to get over, and every now and again things will come up that reopen old wounds.
If you do decide to give your wife a second chance then you have to let this go. You cannot bring it up in arguments, or throw it back in her face when you're in a Sugar mood.
Lastly, if your wife objects to you going away, just remind her that it was her actions that forced you into it.
If you have NoM or Fluffys email address then feel free to get mine off them and drop me a line if you need a chat mate.
Good luck, and all the best.
Ah bobjugs, I interrupted and you took the time to write all that out. Thank you it, makes a lot of sense. She has just been on the phone for 30 minutes begging me not to go away for even a few days. I have very mixed feelings right now.
Thing is, I am a very reasonable person, I keep asking myself if I am over reacting, it was "just a few messages", not like a one night stand or an affair or anything (assumingly). I have never waivered beyond a cheeky look in a bar and some mild flirting, and I feel it is probably unfair to judge someone on my own standards. Maybe I should be more angry and asserttive, maybe I should be more unpredictable. I just don't know. Some women feel more wanted when a man goes on a jealous rage don't they - I don't think she is that type.
Sorry, rambling now.
Thing is, I am a very reasonable person, I keep asking myself if I am over reacting, it was "just a few messages", not like a one night stand or an affair or anything (assumingly). I have never waivered beyond a cheeky look in a bar and some mild flirting, and I feel it is probably unfair to judge someone on my own standards. Maybe I should be more angry and asserttive, maybe I should be more unpredictable. I just don't know. Some women feel more wanted when a man goes on a jealous rage don't they - I don't think she is that type.
Sorry, rambling now.
A little bit of jealousy is a nice ego boost, a jealous rage is rather more of a pain in the proverbial. And wanting a loved one to suffer a negative emotion for the sake of your own ego isn't exactly kind or loving in itself... If you're going to ramble, at least make logical sense man! ;oP (I am kidding, just trying to make you smile a bit).
Take a break. Go away and have no phone calls or texts for a few days and have some head space time. All the long-term decisions you need to make will not get done in the appropriate way while you're living in a pressure cooker and you can't make judgements on your perspective either. I agree with Bob, go stay with someone for a few days, think about what we've all said, particularly Nox and Bob as they're boys and I guess perhaps boys might see things in a different perspective to girls. The situation doesn't sound entirely hopeless or sad but you both need a bit of recovery time and you sound like you need some space before your head explodes.
And for gods sake show me some teeth... A grimace would count as a sort of smile ;oP
Take a break. Go away and have no phone calls or texts for a few days and have some head space time. All the long-term decisions you need to make will not get done in the appropriate way while you're living in a pressure cooker and you can't make judgements on your perspective either. I agree with Bob, go stay with someone for a few days, think about what we've all said, particularly Nox and Bob as they're boys and I guess perhaps boys might see things in a different perspective to girls. The situation doesn't sound entirely hopeless or sad but you both need a bit of recovery time and you sound like you need some space before your head explodes.
And for gods sake show me some teeth... A grimace would count as a sort of smile ;oP
i think, having read all the responses - that China has given the best advice - as she usually does.
i think you need to convey to your partner that just because she is sorry - and i have no doubt at all that she is - that does not mean that you suddenly cease to be hurt. Simply 'not meaning it' does not take the hurt away - otherwise all road accidents would cease overnight.
I agree that few days away will be good for both of you. She gets to think over what has happened, and realise that she is playing with fire, and hopefully she will never go ner the flames again. You get chance to get your initial grief and rage out, and come back ready to talk it over calmly.
Take two days, no more than three, away, and then see how things look.
With the best will in the world, none of us know you personally, or your partner, or your relationship, so our advice is obviously well-meant, and based on similar experience, but your situation is unique to you.
So - try to have a good weekend, and make sure you reassure the children - they will pick up on the atmosphere even if they don't know what;s causing it.
Keep is posted - thinking of you.
i think you need to convey to your partner that just because she is sorry - and i have no doubt at all that she is - that does not mean that you suddenly cease to be hurt. Simply 'not meaning it' does not take the hurt away - otherwise all road accidents would cease overnight.
I agree that few days away will be good for both of you. She gets to think over what has happened, and realise that she is playing with fire, and hopefully she will never go ner the flames again. You get chance to get your initial grief and rage out, and come back ready to talk it over calmly.
Take two days, no more than three, away, and then see how things look.
With the best will in the world, none of us know you personally, or your partner, or your relationship, so our advice is obviously well-meant, and based on similar experience, but your situation is unique to you.
So - try to have a good weekend, and make sure you reassure the children - they will pick up on the atmosphere even if they don't know what;s causing it.
Keep is posted - thinking of you.
Andy, bless you - I had a feeling you would drop in and it touches me deeply. Thank you.
The children picked up on it yesterday and were getting stressed. There was no shouting or anything, they just knew we were being different to our normal cuddly jokey selves.
I think some time away would be right, but the thought of going away from my children is gut wrenching.
The children picked up on it yesterday and were getting stressed. There was no shouting or anything, they just knew we were being different to our normal cuddly jokey selves.
I think some time away would be right, but the thought of going away from my children is gut wrenching.
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