Am I Being Over Sensitive?

[buffymad]

Had relationship probs in the past because girl at husbands work got over friendly with him and was texting (flirty ones towards the end) and I got very upset and hurt by his and her actions (trying to keep this short as typed too much before and lost the message!). All sorted and talked through and everything stopped.

However, he works at an animal place where most of the people who work there are female and so are the dog walkers. Everyone is friendly with each other and text each other (usually about the dogs). Theres one woman who's quite friendly with him and because of the past and how hurt I got, I'm not too happy about this friendship and the texting. Theres no reason why I should be bothered - shes nothing like the other woman and everything has been "above board" - but this is like a hangover from the past and it almost makes me feel like here we go again.

Told husband I felt a bit uncomfortable and he understood (sort of) but said it felt like I was choosing his friends or telling him who he could speak to. I get where he's coming from and told him that too - but that I wanted to let him know how I felt.

So my question is - how can I make myself not care less. My head tells me thats the case and theres no reason he shouldnt be friends with this woman - but my emotions (am a woman after all!!!) get the better of me and I get annoyed and hurt and upset and can easily start arguments about this.

Really don't want to be like this so any advice (constructive!) appreciated! Havent included all details as too much narrative for one message apparently!

[Nosha123]

can you pop in and visit him at work and meet the woman.. and make friends with her.. less likely you would feel threatened if she was a friend of yours too...

ultimately you cant tell him who he can or cant be friends with and you have to trust him... but if you have met her and got to know her a bit more.. perhaps she wont feel like the enemy so much?

[dotty.]

you sound as though you don't trust him and he's probably annoyed about that. Maybe you need to look at your own attitude towards trust rather than carry on trying to push him into a situation

[Bambiagain]

How about arranging some sort of social event - drinks out, or at your place for instance with this woman and her OH if she has one and/or some other friends. Then you can get to know her, and see that there really is nothing going on. Men and women are entitled to friends of the opposite sex, and it doesn't have to mean something is going on, but if you have trouble with this then you need to see for yourself that it's not an issue.

[buffymad]

Nosha - I have met her, have spoken to her and she was fine, even had a laugh. I even have her mobile number (but know that she texts him more than me!). So like I say, I do know her and she's fine, just because of what happened before makes me think that way! Maybe I just find it strange that a single woman texts a married man and doesnt think that his wife would mind. But then like I say, I shouldnt mind!

Dotty - yes, I know he gets annoyed if he feels that I dont trust him. I used to ask lots of questions and he could tell why I was asking and what I was doing - and he used to get very narked about that! Have tried to stop doing that now ...

So if I KNOW my attitude to trust is rubbish (not helped by husband's actions previously and stupid woman who mucked everything up), how do I go about "getting over" this way of thinking?

[MarkRae]

Be really careful that you don't push him into it! Men can be fairly weak about female attention, and you may nag him to the point where he thinks that he's damned if he does, damned if he doesn't...

[buffymad]

Bambi - as you'll see, I have met her etc. I think it doesnt help that once upon a time we all went to a party and she and some others were oohing over husband saying he looked a bit like Brad Pitt (he doesnt unfortunately!!) - so think that may be in my head as her being "interested"!

[buffymad]

Mark - yep, I know, have heard that before. Which is why I'm trying to NOT say anything and NOT let it get to me!!

[Bambiagain]

Of course she texts him more than you - they work together, so it's natural as they know each other better than you know her. MarkRae is right - the man's viewpoint - if ou make a big thing of it he's more likely to react the wrong way than if you act cool about it.

[society]

You find yourself a boyfriend to text several times throughout the day, and do it in front of him. Problem solved!

[MarkRae]

Also, and forgive me if I'm overly prying here, but is there any reason that he'd NEED extra female attention? I don't necessarily mean Paul Newman's famous quote about steak and hamburgers, but you get the idea...

[buffymad]

Bambi - well they dont work together as such, shes a dog walker and he works there. I'm a dog walker too which is how I've met her, talked to her etc.

Society - haha, like it! He always says he wouldn't say anything if I was texting some random male - but bet if it went on he wouldn't like it!

Doesn't help that he "can't see the point" of texting me randomly because he's married and lives with me and we talk loads when we're at home! But I like getting texts and so get annoyed when other people get loads of texts but I miss out! He knows this too by the way ...

My god, how bad do I sound? I'm a nice person really!!!

[buffymad]

Mark - nah, no need for extra attention from anyone else at all !!

[MarkRae]

In which case, I'd say you ARE being over-sensitive because you almost certainly have very little to worry about....

[woofgang]

I think its one of the problems of texting...there you are sat at home together with the world shut out and one of you starts peering at a small screen and responding to something the partner can't see. I am not saying that there is ANYTHING to worry about but given his past behaviour, I think the situation is a bit 50 50 and maybe he does have more to prove than if he had never...well lets say given you cause....
Do you ever go out without him, have separate activities and so on? I am not suggesting the "random man" but maybe if you had people who he only knows through you, if at all, texting you, then he might be more amenable to seeing your viewpoint?

[buffymad]

Woofgang - well there you go, that's the way I thought. As he knows how much trouble it caused in the past and he was sorry about it etc, I thought surely he'd know I might still be a bit iffy about it. But different person so I reckon he just can't see why there should be a problem!

I never used to even think about his phone, was only when the trouble started I took an interest (and had a look at the texts, shock horror!). Now I'm aware of it all the time. He barely notices when my phone goes off so wouldn't know whether it was man, woman or beast texting me! But yes, I do have people texting that he only knows through me.

Funny though, used to have someone at work who made it very obvious he liked me - and husband hated him!!!

[kat2206]

You have said in one of your posts that SHE mucked everything up, I disagree, they both mucked everything up! She wouldnt keep texting him if he didnt answer so its both of their faults, not just hers...

[buffymad]

Kat - sorry, that's what I meant, his actions as well as hers. Dont worry, he knows exactly how I feel on that point and that he let it go on when he knew it was causing upset. On the other hand she knew what she was doing coz she'd do certain things then ask him what my reaction was! That's all in the past anyway and she means less than zilch now.

[roger]

Like most normal men he's enjoying the female attention - it's a big ego booster - but if you make too much of it you could push him into the might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb syndrome. a bit of flirting is harmless and you don't want to cause escalation by getting uptight about it.