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why am i still thinking about the ex and his cheating.
24 Answers
it's 20months since we split up(or he left me and our son in a real lame cowardly way) saying that there wasn't anyone else -don't worry but he needed to move out for a little while to work out how he felt about us,
i was totally devastated but gave him his 'space' until 2 weeks later i found out there was someone- a girl almost half his age, and to this day i haven't been able to work out the full story particularly how long it had been going on for but there had been obviously a lot of lies going on for months and months. :O( even after i found out he was still lying to me saying they were just friends when it was so obvious they weren't. even now every so often in a quiet moment at work or driving i think of incidents that happened while we were together that seemed odd at the time and working out what was going on.
i know going back over this old ground won't help but i guess i'm still trying to understand why it happened and where i'd gone wrong and WHY didn't i see what was happening and still trying to find clues to this horrible time i went through
please any words of advice would be muchly appreciated. i have moved on with a lovely guy who's the bees knees and i couldn't imagine EVER being with my ex again but i just can't seem to settle it all in my mind still (and a little bit of me is even expecting it to happen again. :O( ) is this all normal to still be doing this or do i need to see relate.
i was totally devastated but gave him his 'space' until 2 weeks later i found out there was someone- a girl almost half his age, and to this day i haven't been able to work out the full story particularly how long it had been going on for but there had been obviously a lot of lies going on for months and months. :O( even after i found out he was still lying to me saying they were just friends when it was so obvious they weren't. even now every so often in a quiet moment at work or driving i think of incidents that happened while we were together that seemed odd at the time and working out what was going on.
i know going back over this old ground won't help but i guess i'm still trying to understand why it happened and where i'd gone wrong and WHY didn't i see what was happening and still trying to find clues to this horrible time i went through
please any words of advice would be muchly appreciated. i have moved on with a lovely guy who's the bees knees and i couldn't imagine EVER being with my ex again but i just can't seem to settle it all in my mind still (and a little bit of me is even expecting it to happen again. :O( ) is this all normal to still be doing this or do i need to see relate.
Answers
Don't worry, this is perfectly normal.
As you are discovering, this is an erratic process, which doesn't start, proceed, and end...
As you are discovering, this is an erratic process, which doesn't start, proceed, and end...
08:50 Tue 01st Feb 2011
even now every so often in a quiet moment at work or driving i think of incidents that happened while we were together that seemed odd at the time and working out what was going on.
Your brain is teaching you to spot the signs so you never have to go through it again...
If we all forgot quickly we'd all be repeating the same mistakes....some people blank it out and go on to make the same mistakes. You're not doing that...so look at it in a positive way.
Your brain is teaching you to spot the signs so you never have to go through it again...
If we all forgot quickly we'd all be repeating the same mistakes....some people blank it out and go on to make the same mistakes. You're not doing that...so look at it in a positive way.
Don't worry, this is perfectly normal.
Our minds go into set patterns after a major emotional trauma like this.
Your mind wants to set everything in order, with explanations, in order to assimilate the experience, learn from it, and move on.
As you are discovering, this is an erratic process, which doesn't start, proceed, and end neatly.
You may find that there are parts of this situation that never feel 'resolved' in your mind, but with time, your mind will stop trying to figure them out, and simply accept them. Time is the key here, but unfortunately, there is no set pattern or length to which you can refer - we are all different.
What you need to do is go with the flow.
On the occasions when your mind puts this situation to one side, and leaves it alone, then go with that. on the occasions - which vary in strength and frequency - when it takes everything out and goes through it bit by painful bit, you need to go along with it, but be willing to put it aside again as soon as you feel able.
You will find that as time passes, the intensity and frequency of the feeling of needing to know what happened, and why, will diminish, and the rest of your life will love into those spaces, which allows you to move on with your present, and not endlessly fret about your past.
It takes time, but be patient, and be nice to yourself. This was not 'your fault' so don't beat yourself up with reasons, you may not find any.
Put your energies into your new relationship - your ex didn' think your relationship was worth hanging onto - you should make sure you feel the same way.
Our minds go into set patterns after a major emotional trauma like this.
Your mind wants to set everything in order, with explanations, in order to assimilate the experience, learn from it, and move on.
As you are discovering, this is an erratic process, which doesn't start, proceed, and end neatly.
You may find that there are parts of this situation that never feel 'resolved' in your mind, but with time, your mind will stop trying to figure them out, and simply accept them. Time is the key here, but unfortunately, there is no set pattern or length to which you can refer - we are all different.
What you need to do is go with the flow.
On the occasions when your mind puts this situation to one side, and leaves it alone, then go with that. on the occasions - which vary in strength and frequency - when it takes everything out and goes through it bit by painful bit, you need to go along with it, but be willing to put it aside again as soon as you feel able.
You will find that as time passes, the intensity and frequency of the feeling of needing to know what happened, and why, will diminish, and the rest of your life will love into those spaces, which allows you to move on with your present, and not endlessly fret about your past.
It takes time, but be patient, and be nice to yourself. This was not 'your fault' so don't beat yourself up with reasons, you may not find any.
Put your energies into your new relationship - your ex didn' think your relationship was worth hanging onto - you should make sure you feel the same way.
Thankyou ummmm and andy.
I have been thinking about the whole horrible thing again a lot lately and even wondering about other girls this may have happened with .my ex had a lot of girl mates and he always reassured me they were just friends-but he would say that. and I always trusted him and thought he wouldn't do this to me and I was 100% wrong so I've been raking over all sorts of things .
i feel bad for doing it because I'm with someone new and I feel like I'm still dwelling on things when i should be thinking about them.
And i feel annoyed with myself for wasting my time thinking about my horrible ex and the way he's made me doubt everything.
You're right though Andy this does seem to go in cycles. I hadn't given it much thought for a while. although i did think my ex and 'the girl' had split up a couple of months ago which made me feel VERY happy and resolved with things and then a bit disappointed when I heard they were back together. and I know that is all down to me not wanting them to be happy ever after together.
so I think that has maybe dragged the whole thing up again for me. I'm sure I'll give these thoughts less and less time eventually.
i'm sorry for going on-i need to talk but i feel my friends and family will be thinking i should be putting it behind me by now.
I have been thinking about the whole horrible thing again a lot lately and even wondering about other girls this may have happened with .my ex had a lot of girl mates and he always reassured me they were just friends-but he would say that. and I always trusted him and thought he wouldn't do this to me and I was 100% wrong so I've been raking over all sorts of things .
i feel bad for doing it because I'm with someone new and I feel like I'm still dwelling on things when i should be thinking about them.
And i feel annoyed with myself for wasting my time thinking about my horrible ex and the way he's made me doubt everything.
You're right though Andy this does seem to go in cycles. I hadn't given it much thought for a while. although i did think my ex and 'the girl' had split up a couple of months ago which made me feel VERY happy and resolved with things and then a bit disappointed when I heard they were back together. and I know that is all down to me not wanting them to be happy ever after together.
so I think that has maybe dragged the whole thing up again for me. I'm sure I'll give these thoughts less and less time eventually.
i'm sorry for going on-i need to talk but i feel my friends and family will be thinking i should be putting it behind me by now.
Losing someone in a relationship is a form of grief, and as i have opined many times on this site, we as western society cope verybadly with grief.
Even with a bereavement, people are embarassed and uncomfortable around someone who has lost someone, they don;t know what to say, so as soon as the magic 'six weeks' period os over, they can forget about it, becausre the bereaved person is 'over it' now, and we can all pretend it was a nasty little embrassing blip which we don;t need to refer to ever again.
This leaves the bereaved person not only quietly dying of the pain, but unable to talk to anyone because they are made to feel that they should be 'over it', and it's just not polite conversation to refer to it again in company.
Loss of a relationship causes the same feelings of loss and anger, and the need to talk out loud (or in print!) to get thoughts in order, and help with the process of putting it all into perspective. Sadly, you are even less likely to get support, becase you will be seen to be dwelling on someone who was patently not worth it - but that does not stop you feeling all the hurt and pain and anger. Sadly, these feelings are never in proportion to the worth of the person we grieve over - often directly the opposite!
So post away - there are plenty of sympathetic people on here who will support you and help you come to terms with this - often better suited as strangers, than friends and relatives who have a well-meaning, but distorted view of the situation, and would rather not 'get involved'.
Come back any time - we're always here.
Even with a bereavement, people are embarassed and uncomfortable around someone who has lost someone, they don;t know what to say, so as soon as the magic 'six weeks' period os over, they can forget about it, becausre the bereaved person is 'over it' now, and we can all pretend it was a nasty little embrassing blip which we don;t need to refer to ever again.
This leaves the bereaved person not only quietly dying of the pain, but unable to talk to anyone because they are made to feel that they should be 'over it', and it's just not polite conversation to refer to it again in company.
Loss of a relationship causes the same feelings of loss and anger, and the need to talk out loud (or in print!) to get thoughts in order, and help with the process of putting it all into perspective. Sadly, you are even less likely to get support, becase you will be seen to be dwelling on someone who was patently not worth it - but that does not stop you feeling all the hurt and pain and anger. Sadly, these feelings are never in proportion to the worth of the person we grieve over - often directly the opposite!
So post away - there are plenty of sympathetic people on here who will support you and help you come to terms with this - often better suited as strangers, than friends and relatives who have a well-meaning, but distorted view of the situation, and would rather not 'get involved'.
Come back any time - we're always here.
Agree with Andy, took me ages... nearly 20 years on and I still find my mind drifting back to that time.. on his birthday our anniversary etc etc and there is still a twinge in my heart even as like you I have moved on and would not entertain the thought of going there again....it is unsettling and I did feel a failure of sorts even though my head said otherwise.... it is natural for you to feel like this.. it will fade..but not disappear completely...look around at what you have now and try to remember the not so good times, don't get too nostalgic for the good bits alone....live for now and tomorrow not the past and what might have been......
Almost 7 years ago-when I discovered my then husband was having an affair,I was already in a place where I knew our marriage was dead. I no longer cared for him in the same way-but still felt the need to try to make it work. I never let on that I knew he was straying,and it took me a year to get up the courage to go.
We never talked about things after...so nothing was ever resolved in my head.I still go back and look at little things,that MAY have been clues...I still wonder about all the business trips he took,and how little time he spent with us as a family.
I have no regrets that it ended...but I still feel angry,as I gave up a lot by leaving-so I guess it will always come back to me.
We never talked about things after...so nothing was ever resolved in my head.I still go back and look at little things,that MAY have been clues...I still wonder about all the business trips he took,and how little time he spent with us as a family.
I have no regrets that it ended...but I still feel angry,as I gave up a lot by leaving-so I guess it will always come back to me.
that must've been so hard pastafreak. you spent a whole year with that on your head and didn't say anything. ..and not getting answers at the end of it.
i've found that very hard to deal with-having so many questions and not knowing what actually has gone on. i think i'm that sort of person who likes having all the information before i can sort things out and a little that i can dwell on things too so those two combined is making it hard for me to resolve things but i'm sure i'll get there...eventually.
Thankyou Andy. It helps so much to be able to come on here and get some very good advice...without causing any worry .
i've found that very hard to deal with-having so many questions and not knowing what actually has gone on. i think i'm that sort of person who likes having all the information before i can sort things out and a little that i can dwell on things too so those two combined is making it hard for me to resolve things but i'm sure i'll get there...eventually.
Thankyou Andy. It helps so much to be able to come on here and get some very good advice...without causing any worry .
I agree murraymints. it's hard to stop those thoughts popping up eh.
I think I do need to take stock of what I have now and try and put these issues aside again for a while like Andy said earlier.
I did used to think what might have been with my ex but now with time i see i was kidding myself back then and i really did make a mistake about him and the sort of person he was. my biggest regret is that we had a child together..this is not the start i wanted for my child and not the family i thought i would get. :O(
I think I do need to take stock of what I have now and try and put these issues aside again for a while like Andy said earlier.
I did used to think what might have been with my ex but now with time i see i was kidding myself back then and i really did make a mistake about him and the sort of person he was. my biggest regret is that we had a child together..this is not the start i wanted for my child and not the family i thought i would get. :O(
No you're right. it came out wrong. My little boy means the world to me and more. I don't regret having him one bit. Having a child is the best thing ever and they come first but I regret not doing it with someone who feels the same way . My ex said yes to having a family then made me feel like a single parent the whole time and finally made it official by going off with someone else. :O(
that must've made your day.
my ex went off and was handling the whole situation really badly with a lot of lies about the other woman and what was going on but in a moment of truth he said to me that maybe the thing with 'the girl' could just be a fling ,that she may decide he's not a good bet (because he's older than her, has 3 children and in lots of debt) and that we could try again.
the cheek of it!!! he thought i would take him back and be a family with our son on the strength that she didn't want him after all. and even though I'd found out what a lying cheating selfish little man he was.
my ex went off and was handling the whole situation really badly with a lot of lies about the other woman and what was going on but in a moment of truth he said to me that maybe the thing with 'the girl' could just be a fling ,that she may decide he's not a good bet (because he's older than her, has 3 children and in lots of debt) and that we could try again.
the cheek of it!!! he thought i would take him back and be a family with our son on the strength that she didn't want him after all. and even though I'd found out what a lying cheating selfish little man he was.
I understand completely. Was with my ex for ten years and had three children together. Then I found out he was sleeping with my "best friend" so I lost them both at the same time. I was devastated at first, and then realised these were not the sort of people I needed in my life anyway. I am now very happy with a man I have been with for 4 years and glad I made him leave. ( He wanted to stay, but I put his clothes in bin bags on the doorstep). The pair of them only stayed together for another month- they both knew they couldn't trust each other! This was about ten years ago and even now I sometimes casually wonder how long it went on for. But it doesn't bother me now. You are just trying to get things straight in your head, which is understandable. I think it's completely normal to want to learn from things, but it was his fault rather than yours. You'll be fine. Wish you all the best.
Don't want to generalise here...but I think men are sometimes better at compartmentalising things...and putting aside the bothersome bits, and throwing the key away. Women tend more to analyse things,and to give a lot of thought to emotional issues... especially if they are not resolved. It's not that we dwell on things,they just surface once in a while.
My ex cheated on me, and now when I think about it its more me thinking 'oh yer he must have been there that night' it all comes back to me with open eyes where I had my eyes shut back then. But not at any time now I have my eyes open do I think that my current bloke would do it to me as I trust him 100%.
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