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Child doesn't like grandparents
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My partner and I have 2 daughters, a 3 year old and a 10 month old.
Several weeks ago the in-laws visited and took photos of the baby, but not the 3 year old, who noticed this at the time and became a bit quiet and sulky. The next time we saw the in-laws our 3 year old waited until they left, then said that she hated Nanny & Granddad. Not only was this the fist time she'd ever used the word hate, it was also the 1st time she'd ever said Nanny - She has talked about her Granddad before but not Nanny, which I think is strange. My partner mentioned to his parents, twice, that they may have upset our daughter.
Everytime we've seen them since, the 3yr old becomes withdrawn and a bit naughty, we've been ignoring it, hoping she'll get over it.
2 weeks ago when they visited, 3 yr old said before they arrived, that they were 'ok', but weren't allowed to take photos, which me and her dad agreed to.
However MIL had bought a new camera and wanted to take pictures....I waited until 3yr old was out of earshot and asked MIL v.politely not to take pics that day because 3yr old was upset, and explained about her feeling left out. At which point MIL stormed out of the house, told FIL what had been said and he began shouting at my partner saying he was being unreasonable and that he'd never mentioned a problem before.
My partner now hasn't spoken to his parents since this happened.......it seems so trivial, the kid doesn't want photos taken.
My question is, should a 3yr old be allowed to make decisions like these? I think yes, but clearly MIL doesn't.
and how can we resolve the situation with the 3 year old? and also with the in-laws? I think they should appologise to my partner, and respect our wishes....but I think thats unlikelyto happen.
Several weeks ago the in-laws visited and took photos of the baby, but not the 3 year old, who noticed this at the time and became a bit quiet and sulky. The next time we saw the in-laws our 3 year old waited until they left, then said that she hated Nanny & Granddad. Not only was this the fist time she'd ever used the word hate, it was also the 1st time she'd ever said Nanny - She has talked about her Granddad before but not Nanny, which I think is strange. My partner mentioned to his parents, twice, that they may have upset our daughter.
Everytime we've seen them since, the 3yr old becomes withdrawn and a bit naughty, we've been ignoring it, hoping she'll get over it.
2 weeks ago when they visited, 3 yr old said before they arrived, that they were 'ok', but weren't allowed to take photos, which me and her dad agreed to.
However MIL had bought a new camera and wanted to take pictures....I waited until 3yr old was out of earshot and asked MIL v.politely not to take pics that day because 3yr old was upset, and explained about her feeling left out. At which point MIL stormed out of the house, told FIL what had been said and he began shouting at my partner saying he was being unreasonable and that he'd never mentioned a problem before.
My partner now hasn't spoken to his parents since this happened.......it seems so trivial, the kid doesn't want photos taken.
My question is, should a 3yr old be allowed to make decisions like these? I think yes, but clearly MIL doesn't.
and how can we resolve the situation with the 3 year old? and also with the in-laws? I think they should appologise to my partner, and respect our wishes....but I think thats unlikelyto happen.
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this could be a bit of jealousy on your daughter's part, they were only interested in the new baby and not her. Other half and I always we make a fuss of the older one (the new baby won't know anyway) as they do feel left out. Perhaps you could have a quiet word with MIL and explain, but you should have said at the time that if they were taking photos they should take them of both children, not just the baby.
I think possibly three year old might like a personal photoshoot with lots of pics of things she wants taken and maybe a toy camera so she can be on the other side. I think its easy to forget how vulnerable little ones can be when it seems like they have been displaced in grownups affection by a new arrival. No point in people going off on one she doesn't exactly have to be rational but grown ups do
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The opinion of a childless singleton - I wouldn't have let the 3 year old call the shots in terms of saying no photos at all. I would have explained to the parents that she was feeling a bit left out last time and if they wanted to take pictures, could they please ensure they include the 3yo and not just the baby. Maybe you could ask his parents if they could spend some time with the 3yo on her own, just taking her to the park or something so she doesn't feel like the whole world now revolves around the baby and she might forget how much she hated granny and granddad.
She just said they weren't allowed to take photos, but she means of her and her sister - this must've started because she felt jealous that the in-laws are v.interested in new babies.
When it first happened I assumed they get a couple of snaps of the baby and then some of the older one, but before I knew it the camera had been put away again...they've had 2 kids of their own and have 2 other grandchildren, so I thought it would be common sense to them, but even when they talk to the older one its all about the baby.
When it first happened I assumed they get a couple of snaps of the baby and then some of the older one, but before I knew it the camera had been put away again...they've had 2 kids of their own and have 2 other grandchildren, so I thought it would be common sense to them, but even when they talk to the older one its all about the baby.
i think your right here, i wouldnt have pushed the little one to have photos taken she didnt want, and tbh it would be waste of time, certainly no nice natural happy smile for sure. People forget how vulnerable 3 yrs olds are, and maybe she was being over-sensitive, but hey she's 3 for godsake, the grandparents could and should have been a bit more thoughtful in the first place, a few mins chat with the 3 yrd old and taking some pics with both children and then some of baby may well have been all it would have taken for all this to be avoided. MIL's opinion is hers, not yours, your child your call. I do think carolegif has a point about a quiet word with MIL and explain, keeping it light, and hopefully the storm in a teacup will be over. Good luck, its rotten falling out with family.
My first thoughts are that you should ask your daughter why she feels that way. She may have a reason, and letting her know you are interested could be the start of solving the problem.
No, a 3 year old ought not be dictating to parents but IMO rather than force the situation it should hopefully solve itself if you can uncover the root cause. I think, in your shoes, I'd play along for a bit.
MIL is entitled to feel a bit upset, but should be adult enough to accept your decision without flying into a rage about it. Still if that is what she felt she needed to do, we are all different. Leaves you feeling that you are trying to cope with 2 kids though, right? (And I don't mean your 10 month old.)
FIL no doubt feels the need to back up their partner. Pity he seems to have lost it to though, according to your description.
I suspect it'll blow over. No one can stay mad over such a trivial matter for long, can they?
No the 3 year old doesn't make the decision, you and your partner does. You decided to let the child have their way for the moment. But I think you need to talk to them about the reasons for the reluctance.
Apologies are only valid if the one doing the apology accepts they were in the wrong. Where both sides look unlikely to accept this then some things are best left to blow over. It helps if one side is being adult and makes a first reconciliation move, that the other can then react to without losing face.
No, a 3 year old ought not be dictating to parents but IMO rather than force the situation it should hopefully solve itself if you can uncover the root cause. I think, in your shoes, I'd play along for a bit.
MIL is entitled to feel a bit upset, but should be adult enough to accept your decision without flying into a rage about it. Still if that is what she felt she needed to do, we are all different. Leaves you feeling that you are trying to cope with 2 kids though, right? (And I don't mean your 10 month old.)
FIL no doubt feels the need to back up their partner. Pity he seems to have lost it to though, according to your description.
I suspect it'll blow over. No one can stay mad over such a trivial matter for long, can they?
No the 3 year old doesn't make the decision, you and your partner does. You decided to let the child have their way for the moment. But I think you need to talk to them about the reasons for the reluctance.
Apologies are only valid if the one doing the apology accepts they were in the wrong. Where both sides look unlikely to accept this then some things are best left to blow over. It helps if one side is being adult and makes a first reconciliation move, that the other can then react to without losing face.
Our 2 and a half year old grandson has just found that he can use the words 'not allowed'.
When we are playing with him he sometimes doesn't allow us to have a car, etc.
This is not 'a 2 year old calling the shots' he has enough restrictions placed on him, he knows that there are some things he mustn't touch because they are 'grandad's' or 'sharp'. He just wants to get his say, and he is allowed to - sometimes.
You are all feeling upset with each other at the moment, maybe it's up to you, as the sensitive one, to find a way out of it. Show your daughter the photos that the grandparents have already taken of her, and those with her and them in them. Tell your MIL that you are trying to be particularly sensitive to your daughters feelings, as you want her to like the baby. Then say you are sorry if the way you old her about the photo ban upset her (i.e. don't apologise for your decision, just the way it sounded to her). That may allow them to apologise to you without losing face, much more likely than if you demand an apology.
Maybe ask her advice about how to make your daughter feel happy with them again (if she usually is)
When we are playing with him he sometimes doesn't allow us to have a car, etc.
This is not 'a 2 year old calling the shots' he has enough restrictions placed on him, he knows that there are some things he mustn't touch because they are 'grandad's' or 'sharp'. He just wants to get his say, and he is allowed to - sometimes.
You are all feeling upset with each other at the moment, maybe it's up to you, as the sensitive one, to find a way out of it. Show your daughter the photos that the grandparents have already taken of her, and those with her and them in them. Tell your MIL that you are trying to be particularly sensitive to your daughters feelings, as you want her to like the baby. Then say you are sorry if the way you old her about the photo ban upset her (i.e. don't apologise for your decision, just the way it sounded to her). That may allow them to apologise to you without losing face, much more likely than if you demand an apology.
Maybe ask her advice about how to make your daughter feel happy with them again (if she usually is)
Although the in-laws are behaving childishly haveing a paddy for being told no photos, I do think you shouldn't let a three yr old call the shots.
GP should just have been been told she was feeling left out and to include her at every opportunity kids that age will try to get there own way. It is the way of the world and if you give in you are onto a hiding to nothing later.
Sometimes kids do need to win but in this instance I think that you pandered to her and she knows it. She didn't need to be forced to sit for photos but invited into them. When she refused then it should be a simple 'OK maybe next time then'
GP should just have been been told she was feeling left out and to include her at every opportunity kids that age will try to get there own way. It is the way of the world and if you give in you are onto a hiding to nothing later.
Sometimes kids do need to win but in this instance I think that you pandered to her and she knows it. She didn't need to be forced to sit for photos but invited into them. When she refused then it should be a simple 'OK maybe next time then'
bloody obvious in my book - one kid with her nose put out as they cooed and ooed over the new baby and left her out of it. They deserve all they get - how crass and stupid of them.
thing to do is to tell them and that they should do something special for her - meanwhile you have to tell your wee one that her grandparents made a silly mistake - that they were so excited over the new baby, just as she was, that they just forgot - silly grandparents and it doesnt mean that they dont love her. Shall we tell Grandad and Grandma that we love her and maybe, maybe they can do something that she loves to do as a treat - just her and grandparents.
As to the adults - they should apologise.
thing to do is to tell them and that they should do something special for her - meanwhile you have to tell your wee one that her grandparents made a silly mistake - that they were so excited over the new baby, just as she was, that they just forgot - silly grandparents and it doesnt mean that they dont love her. Shall we tell Grandad and Grandma that we love her and maybe, maybe they can do something that she loves to do as a treat - just her and grandparents.
As to the adults - they should apologise.
Mother in law and father in law. I would certainly gently talk to your daughter about why she doesn't want to be photographed and also let her have her way on it. This means that, if anyone want to take photos, she is given the opportunity to get out of the way...I think if you make it no big deal and a choice that she can make then it is less likely to get to be an issue. I too used to hate to be photographed at her age for no reason that my parents could work out or that I can remember.
So far as the inlaws go, it's your gaff your kids your rules end of story, you put it politely of course but that is that so far as I am concerned.
So far as the inlaws go, it's your gaff your kids your rules end of story, you put it politely of course but that is that so far as I am concerned.
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Thankyou all for your answers - I think their problem was probably that the 3 year old had said they weren't allowed to take any photos, meaning none of her and none of the baby.
Cassa & Milly - I agree that children shouldn't rule the roost, and she isn't some spoilt brat who does exactly as she pleases, but...I do believe in encouraging children to make descisions and have opinions.
I am shocked at the grandparents recation to all, I thought that if they cared about her, they would go along with this to make her happy instead of forcing something which is clearly such an issue to her. It probably would've all been forgotten in a few weeks as she was beginning to warm to them, but seeing them storm off, without saying goodbye to her and then hearing them shout at her dad really hasn't helped!
Dance - I can't show her the pics they've taken because they don't share them and there are no pictures with them in because they refuse to have their picture taken....oh the irony!!
O_G - I've tried talking to her but she just shuts down and says she I doesn't like them.....I don't want to keep briniging it up, because I'm scared of putting ideas in her head.
Not sure how we can all move on from this without there being an atmospere :(
Cassa & Milly - I agree that children shouldn't rule the roost, and she isn't some spoilt brat who does exactly as she pleases, but...I do believe in encouraging children to make descisions and have opinions.
I am shocked at the grandparents recation to all, I thought that if they cared about her, they would go along with this to make her happy instead of forcing something which is clearly such an issue to her. It probably would've all been forgotten in a few weeks as she was beginning to warm to them, but seeing them storm off, without saying goodbye to her and then hearing them shout at her dad really hasn't helped!
Dance - I can't show her the pics they've taken because they don't share them and there are no pictures with them in because they refuse to have their picture taken....oh the irony!!
O_G - I've tried talking to her but she just shuts down and says she I doesn't like them.....I don't want to keep briniging it up, because I'm scared of putting ideas in her head.
Not sure how we can all move on from this without there being an atmospere :(
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