Would You Make A 12 Year Old Tidy His Room?

[magsmay]

Two differing opinions here between me and OH - the floor of son 's room is terminally covered in various things -clothes ,plastic bags -lego he's been playing with -his computer desk covered in various electronic equipment charging up and his bed an explosion of duvet ,dirty underwear and usually about three pairs of pyjamas in various states of cleanliness. He has a laundry bag but can't be bothered to throw his dirty laundry into it. I usually go ballistic about once a fortnight and threaten to put everything in a plastic bin liner and put it in the garden -OH says I'm over reacting and its his room -if he wants to live like that that's his prerogative - just close the door and when he runs out of clean clothes, or loses something he will tidy things up. I reply it's my duty as a parent to make him realise a tidy environment is both psychologically and hygienically important - who is right?

[magsmay]

thanks Sharingan - We go to WGW twice a year but this week I can't go because we are lambing (bad timing) so I'm there in Spirit instead ;-)

[magsmay]

Gness -Glad someone else uses the word 'Midden' - lol! I tend to use it a lot -'this place is a like a bloody midden' lol!

[joko]

mags - woofgang is correct - you said it was psychologically important for him to be tidy, thereby implying if he is messy he is 'not right in the head', or that being messy will make him ill.

my point was, not that you had damaged him, but that using phrases like that could lead him to start thinking there's something seriously wrong with him

kids can take things we say very wrongly, things we know what we meant, but they don't, not properly.

[ST24]

I'm not and never have been a parent but I believe that it's important for parents to take charge. That means that sometimes individuality will have to be put on hold. I don't know what you expect your 12 year old to do but maybe a list with some rules on it might help.

[magsmay]

@joko -I understand your comments but what I meant was a tidy room = tidy mind -not that he had psychological problems lol! I would never tell a child they had 'problems' but feel i should point him in what I perceive to be the right direction regarding cleanliness and tidyness. If he still chooses to be untidy then I'm afraid there is little I can do.

[joko]

i agree you need to steer him, but that's all - steer him, teach him how, give him a rota - tell him say, thursday is wash day so if its not in the basket it wont get washed for a week.
but you cannot force him... if you force him too much he may subconsciously rebel when he gets his own place ...

buy him storage boxes, tubs and units etc to make things easier for him.
also include a label maker - so he can have a box of leads, a box of pens, a box of gadgets, box of figures... whatever, as well a one big 'everything' box.

maybe get him one of those basketball hoop laundry bags - so it makes putting each thing in the basket a bit of a game?

i am untidy and i don't agree that tidy house = tidy mind at all ... i think that's something neat people say to make themselves feel better.

in a way i wish my folks had tried to instill tidiness in us, i wish i was a bit tidier, but i doubt it would have worked anyway - and they weren't all that tidy themselves, our house was clean, but a bit cluttered.

they did shout at us sometimes of course - my dad got to the point of marking plates with our initials and said we could only use them!
that didn't work

but they rarely said anything about our room or about our washing etc or making beds etc.
basically if we didn't do it it didn't happen.
unfortunately it didn't make us do it much.

i remember when i was about 14 sleeping without a bed sheet for about 2 months because i couldn't be bothered to sort out a sheet! -
to be fair, i was lying on top of my thin duvet, with my thick one over the top so it was extra cosy in the winter so it didn't really matter anyway, but still ...
but i sorted it out eventually

me and my sis were untidy, but my brother was over the top neat - everything lined up, at right angles with the desk etc, no idea where he got that from - and we are all still that way today.

the irony is my folks ran 2 shops - both sold second hand stuff, and my dads was a total mess, and my mums wasn't far off, so i'd say it was kind of in my genes to be messy ... but then, look at my brother...and he actually worked in my dads shop for years!
maybe that's why he became neat... didn't like the shop...

so it just shows that nothing you do will make him be what he's not.

[MrIncredible]

My wife and I differed on this, I was all for making our daughter tidy her pig sty (sorry bedroom) my wife was of the thinking that if she wanted to live like a that then let her get on with it, Although i remember on one rare occasion that she did tidy her room she brought down 26 pairs of dirty underwear that had accumulated on her bedroom floor!
she has now left home and live in a flat with her now husband, we popped round recently to let a plumber in because they were both at work and we were so embarrassed..her whole flat looked like a bomb had gone off, you couldn't see the floors for mess and dirty clothes, there wasn't one clean plate or cup (apparently the clean them as they need them!) sauce bottle and dirty cups (with mold in) were left on the floor by the sofa...I could go on and on

my advice teach them how to be clean and tidy up after themselves.

[Sharingan]

I'm pretty average for tidyness, orderly enough without being too neat, my Dad is a super minimalist neat freak which was unlucky for him because he married my mother likes to live in what resembles a bombed out jumble sale. Her boyfriend is easy going so that doesn't help her much, but the house is homely and warm and full of half finished artwork and sculptures, props and weirdness. There were no set rules when I was a child except that that carried both ways and my father reserved the right to sling out anything he pleased if it was left somewhere stupid, so we all learned to put things away ( 'cept Mum- she follows her own sweet course).
I wouldn't stress it particularly, just tell him as you already plan on doing and then if he still likes to wallow in untidyness I reckon you've done your bit.

[joeluke]

Point in question here:

You - parent

Him - child

Parents tell children what to do, children do as they are told

[giveup]

My daughter is 42 and she has only just learnt to keep her house tidy .Her friends all turn up to see her and never turn a hair. I was one of six and when my future sister-in law was 13 she told her mum she loved my mums house because it was so untidy.My grandson is just like his mother so every so often I go and tidy his flat.I can't stand anywhere untidy.

[joko]

good luck with that joeluke...

[shaneystar2]

My Mum used to make me clean my room every week .She then used to come up and run her finger along the picture rail and skirting boards and woe betide me if there was any dust .I was very much younger than my siblings ,and I was the last one at home .
Years later I got untidy bedrooms and I used to think sod it and shut the door on it all and just gather up the washing ,change the beds and poke the hoover where I could find a space .
Both left home now but they really make the place look untidy when they visit and I love it :)
Life it too short to sweat the small stuff .They grow up too quickly and then you sit in your immaculate house ( although mine has never been immaculate) and wish they were still your babies :)

[nungate]

You bet your sweet bippy I would (ask queenofmean) My house my rules.
Even if it's only for hygiene reasons, it's a good idea to try to get them to keep their rooms tidy. Dirty crockery and laundry left to fester is not a good idea.

[dancecaller]

I'm tending to agree with both sides.
Your house, you rules ......... yes
He has to live in it, let him take the consequences .......... yes.

Does he clean his own room? If you do it he needs to get it to a state where you can do that - not your job to pick up things from the floor or tidy surfaces. So he needs to know what time you are coming in to do that.

Do you give him pocket money? Could some of that be dependant on a bedroom inspection at a set time, and if there are disgusting things like mouldy cups, or if clothes are being damaged by not hung up then that part is forfeit.

Don't rant, but tell him what the consequences are and stick to it. Decide which parts are important to you, help him work out what is important to him (if his property is damaged by being left around that's his loss, if he hasn't got the correct kit clean that's his problem too), don't fuss about details.

Might be a good idea to discuss with OH first and agree guidelines. Compromise.

[Togo30]

There appears to be some extremely slack parenting and advice given here.

When parents start having these relaxed views about their rooms this then starts to creep into other parts of their lives. Kids should be beaten until they comply and then you won't have to beat them any more as they'll know the rules and the parents who are talking about "It's their private place" are talking a load of old twaddle, do they pay rent? No, then it's YOUR ROOM and also regular raids should be made to make sure number one the place is tidy and number two that there aren't drink, drugs, cigs or weapons there or any signs of weird net surfing.

It's better that the kids shed a few tears then the parent shedding a lifetime of tears after having lost their kids to a cult, prison or drink, drugs or death

[Sharingan]

Togo- I nearly died laughing to start with then it occurred to me that you might be serious. Get a grip, you're talking twaddle.

[sherrardk]

Bit of a leap, kid doesn't clean bedroom = life of crime.

[Togo30]

There's nothing wrong with careful parenting and being aware of what goes on in your house sharingan.

A watched pot doesn't boil over!

[MadMen]

OMG Togo has got a point.

I found a wooden sword whilst tidying my son's room the other day!!!

Best get the belt out, or shop him to the police...

[Sharingan]

There were no official rules in my parent's house when I was growing up, I haven't actually murdered anyone recently you know? Your response is a total over reaction and would cause endless problems if you tried to put it into practice.