Is This Morally Right?

[renegadefm]

Ok long story, but I will try and make it as short as I can. 

 

Since Dad died in November my sister, my partner and myself have all been pulling together to baby sit Mum, as shes 90, has slight dementia, so needs someone with her day and night. 

 

There has been some nights Mum's cleaning lady has even offered to sleep there at night for £40 a night, but thats all she does, she turns up at 9 o'clock at night and is gone again at 8.30am.

So someone has to sit with Mum until 9 o'clock in the evening, so it dawned on my partner one day, hold on, if I'm here until 9 o'clock, I might aswell sleep here the night, as the evening is mucked up anyway. 

 

So she offered to sleep at Mums for £25 a night, which obviously includes to be there during the day aswell. And it wouldn't be every night anyway.

 

At first my sister was ok about it, but contacted me today, and said I been thinking about Mum having to pay my partner to stay at night, but shouldn't she be doing that out of kindness?

 

So I replied and said well technically shes only my partner, surely doing that at a much lower rate is saving Mum money in the long run, rather than paying the cleaner £40 for literally just sleeping there.

 

But somehow sister is now uncomfortable about it. Who is right or wrong here?  I tent to agree with partner as its good of her to give up so much time. 

[Neveracrossword]

Renegade, I find it quite sad that you feel the cleaner is not value for money, when she's being paid around £3.33 an hour to sleep in someone else's home with the responsibility of a 90-year-old, newly widowed woman with Alzheimer's.  I know many other people who've had to spend far larger sums to ensure that their relatives aren't left on their own.

[albaqwerty]

I think you and your sister should have a heart to heart about mum's care.

Charging your own mum seems "off".

[barry1010]

As for your mother not being your partner's blood relative - that's a very odd view in my opinion. Your partner is part of the family, surely? 

My oldsters are related to me by marriage, but I love them.  They are my family 

[nicebloke1]

Its question and answer site. If the OP cares to explore ideas of a solution to a family problem thats their choice, and its our choice ( not  us) if we care to answer.  And no one said (we) could or wanted to decide for them. Stalk you? get a life.:0)

[newmodarmy]

Err you say the same when I respond to you.but let's keep on topic. I haven't said we shouldn't offer our advice or thoughts. Just read again what I've said without jumping in on the attack as soon as you see my username.

[nicebloke1]

" Its a matter for the family ( NOT US)" It is a matter for us if we are asked to get involved. 

Now go and play with your bat and ball lovey.

[bluefortress]

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to be honest

Though some thoughts I had when reading your post were - your partner is not looking after her mum which I guess makes it more of a 'favour' that she is doing. Also the amount is not all that much. 

Also try to reverse the roles a bit - if it was a man who was being paid to look after his partners mum/dad I don't think people would be so quick on the 'should be doing it out of kindness stance'

Don't mean to be all feminist but there really is an expectation for women to be automatic caregivers...don't you think theres an element of this going on here with the expectation if free care.. 

Its a tricky one I think it just depends what everyone is happy with but I don't see anything wrong in your partner being paid  

 

 

[THECORBYLOON]

"Also the amount is not all that much."

£25 a night is £175 a week or £9,100 a year.

[bednobs]

If it's literally just sleeping there as you say, why does she need anyone there at all? Get some indoor cameras and a lifeline button.

[renegadefm]

For the record, my partners idea was to save Mum money and give her a higher level of care at the same time. 

If you had the choice would you pay a cleaner £40 a night to sleep at Mums just so that shes not on her own at night.

Or pay my partner £25 a night, but the truth is my partner will be giving mum attention all day as well.

We are only using the £25 fee a night as an example, and actually it hasn't started yet, for 5 weeks we have collectively been doing it as all for free.

Just to repeat this was all born from the idea of replacing the cleaner which charges £40 from 9pm til 8.30am compared to my partner who will only charge £25 for indefinite help.

But we are just regulating it per night as a way of regulation. 

 

[renegadefm]

bednobs, 

Good point, but Mum wakes up typically at 2am and walks in on whoever is sleeping there, and checks if someone is with her. 

She is 90 with dementia, all be it, slight dementia, but she wakes up wondering who is with her in the middle of the night. 

Hence why we can't leave her on her own for 24/7

[bednobs]

so it's not just sleeping there then?  it's more a waking night?

[THECORBYLOON]

"Or pay my partner £25 a night, but the truth is my partner will be giving mum attention all day as well."

If your partner is there all day and all night, when do you and your sister provide care?