Do you ever get over infidelity?

[sportsmom]

It's been 5 years since my husband was unfaithful. Originally I decided to stay with him because we have 2 children and he threatened to commit suicide if I left, but it became to be too much, so we tried counseling for a short while. We've moved to another state and tried to start our lives fresh and new but deep down it still bothers me. I often wonder if the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is true and if I'll ever be able to totally get over it. He's been doing everything in his power to help me trust him again and I feel like I'm pushing him away. I'd like to hear from anyone else, male/female, that has been through this and how their marriage survived!!

[chitchat]

I know its hard to trust again but if you truly believe that he regrets hurting you then perhaps you could use that as your starting point. We all make mistakes - and sometimes people can learn from them. My husband cheated on me but we split up after a couple of years after I found out. It wasnt the only reason but we have now got back together after 19 years. And I honestly believe that it is one of the biggest mistakes of his life and I know that he would never do it again. So yes I do trust him. Unfortunately, only you know how you feel about things and whether you can forgive (you will never forget) and try to move on. If not, then you may have a hard time ahead. But whatever you do, I wish all the luck and I hope you get things sorted.

[sportsmom]

Thank you chitchat. I needed to here a success story to know that there is hope. I do love him and I know he loves me and whenever I bring it up he stresses how stupid of a mistake it was. I'm just afraid it will happen again. I know I can't live my life waiting for him to "mess up" again but it's just so hard.

[chitchat]

If you both love each other then you have a good starting point. With time the pain does fade and although you will never forget you learn to deal with it. Remember, he is still with you because he wants to be with you and obviously not with anyone else. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life but you cant live your life on a "what if". We would all be in a mental institution if we did. Good luck xx

[suzi-q]

I have been through this and my marriage lasted another 4 years after the first affair (that I knew of). He did it again and thats when I decided enough was enough. He did beg and plead with me to give him another chance but during those 4 years I guess I had strengthened myself and was ready to be on my own. My kids were 12 and 15 at the time and my biggest regret is that at their ages the whole thing was very very painful for them.

My ex did not do much to try and change and he wouldn't let me talk about the affair, he just used to get angry when I got angry or upset. When I made my mind up there was no changing it - he did beg, plead, cry, rant, rave, threaten etc to no avail.

If your husband is prepared to let you get it all out of your system at him, including your very natural anger then you probably have more of a chance of surviving this. Even now after 5 years my guess is that you still feel angry now and then and also hurt.

Best of luck.

[janetsflower]

I think you need to go back to why he had the affair in the first place - obvioulsy he was disatisfied with something to do it and if you can pin point what went wrong in your relationship in the first place and work at resolving that then maybe you can put his infidelity behind you. You obviously do love each other to still be together after this time and becuase you love him it will always hurt when you think about it, its when it stops hurting that you have to worry because you will have stopped careing! Time is a great healer though and you will think about it less and less. You do have to try to stop bringing it up though because that will drive you apart I am sure he has served his punishment and is doing his best so try to put it behind you.
My sisters hubbie did the same to her and she was devastated for a long long time and kept throwing it back in his face and making matters worse and it got to the point that he couldn't take much more and was on the verge of leaving but she then had an affair which no one but me ever knew about. It made her feel better and she has never mentioned his since. I am in no way suggesting you do that but they are happy together again now because it doesn't get talked about or used in arguments anymore. I just hope to goodness her husabnd never finds out