the unaswerable problem

[curious_cat]

what do you do, wen you love your mum more than anything but she loves your dad who has been drunk before 10am everyday for the last 20 years? she will not be persuaded to leave him, as he grows more and more ill from alcohol abuse, she grows equally as ill with worry. your mum is slipping away from you and pretending to hold it together very well.
it is 3 months until the final child leaves home and she will be left with him all alone?
WHAT DO YOU DO?

[coco pops]

You can be there for your mum thats all you can do. Like you said she loves your dad ,she wants to be there for him.

[ReinaLuna]

My dad doesn't drink like yours, but had a time doing it. I was only 10 years old, now I'm 31, but I can still remember him arriving home and shouting, slamming doors, once he even appeared with a pistol telling me he would kill himself, and I was really scared.

Nowadays he is normal but you see, something was broken and I can never give him the same love I give to my mum. As you seem to love your mum a lot like I love mine, the only thing I can say is to be with her, enjoy the moments with her while you still live together, give her support, because maybe she just needs a hug and some conversation. It must be so hard for her to love a man who lost his own life to alcohol, she probably has tried many times to help him, but there's a limit for everything, and if HE doesn't want to stop it, nobody will. Pity is that she loves him so much she can't be tougher on him.

WE as children, can't do a lot, really.... unfortunately... so, like I say, stay close to your mum, try to forgive her for being such a soft heart, and let's think positive that when she stays alone with him in the house everything will be ok.
Good luck!

[Pea Pod]

It is maybe more scarier for her to leave than to stay. I have been with my husband for 37 years and I wouldn`t say I still love him,but it is easier to put up with life than make a move.There are probably more women just getting on with it than people realise.

[coco pops]

I saw an advert for this in doc surgery and thought of you
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/.

[Le Chat]

curious-cat. Just thinking about you personally as I respond to your thread. I am assuming that you are the last child at home. If you are, then, for your own personal mental health and well being, you may have to detatch yourself from the endless worry of what is going to happen when you are not there to see that all is ok. Once you have gone, your mother is going to have to cope with him and you must not spend time being manipulated into being a helper or enabller!

[Aquagility]

Dear curious_cat,
For your own sake as well as your mother's, do,do follow coco pops' advice. Find your nearest AlAnon group and go along. They will give you practical advice as well as support.
I've been down this road, and I do know what I'm talking about. Don't delay. Just do it!

[rabbitdrop]

I agree with Le Chat. You do have to look after yourself, even though you love your Mum and want to be there for her. I also agree that you should look for professional support.
Thinking of you.

[curious_cat]

Thanks for the support you have all given! You all make alot of sense and you have helped me to see that despite how much i love my mum, she is an adult and her decisions must be her own. Ill keep you posted xxxx

[curious_cat]

ps. ive never known that there were groups for the family of alcoholics... something to think about.

[candygirl6]

i feel sorry 4 u
i cant relate to it but u just need 2 b there 4 your mom

[grumpii]

Love your mum dont fall out cos it sounds like your dad may not last very long (sorry) but you can look to Le chat who gives good advice about not being drawn in too much look after yourself be well x

[curious_cat]

i never thought that i would get so many replies to this, but im grateful for them. Since you have all been so kind i thought that id give you abit of an update... its the easter holidays so a few of my brothers and sisters are at home with me and my mum at the moment. Because everyone is in the house and my dad is never left on his own, things are going really well!! he hasnt been drinkin for about a week now (it doesnt sound like long, but trust me it makes a change from bein drunk every day!) the only thing is that i know the time will come when he is left on his own in the house again (he doesnt work because of heart problems) and everything will go back to how it was... i am feeling happier though and me and my mum are doing fine. Thanks again for your support!

[loobylou28]

I know this is quite a while after you posted the question but i felt moved to reply even so. I completely agree with Le Chat, i too had a fairly rough childhood (although not due to alcohol) yet here I am, a year away from turning 30 and i still feel the pull toward helping and appeasing my mum, even though my other four siblings have long since given up the ghost (although they r a lot older than i am). It is heartbreaking to watch your mother make decisions that you know are bad for her, but i am slowly starting to realise (with the help of friends and my partner) that i am a grown woman with my own family to worry about, and as sad as it is..... so is my mum. I'm not saying it's easy, but for your own sake you have to reach a point where YOU come first. You will spend the next 30 years worrying about her and maybe risking your mental health, job opportunities, relationship chances and overrall life chances, for what? A woman who made her own decisions as an adult many moons ago. I ve finally stopped beating myself up for the path my mum chose, maybe you should do the same?
I wish you and your mum all the love and luck in the world.
God Bless. xxxx