My son is scared

[packmalp1]

I have been divorced from my ex husband for over 8 years. I divorced him for his drinking and gambling which were both excessive to more than you would believe. My son who is 12 goes to his dads every other weekend. He use to go on friday until Sunday, but asked if he could cut it down to Saturdays until Sunday, as his dad would drag him down the local pub on Friday evening, and he had to witness his dad getting abusive towards him and it scared the hell out of him. Recently I have been receiving texts from my son telling me dad is drunk and abusive again...help! Also that dad is taking it out on his stepmum too. His dad won't put his drinking on hold when my son goes other there. He has to be dragged around the pub for about 5 hours. My son is scared to talk to his dad about this. I found my son crying on his bed last night, asking why can't he have a normal dad! It is heart wrenching! My son says dad always says sorry the next day, but it's not good enough.He asked me if he now only see his dad once a month? His dad is a policemen and I don't honestly know how he keeps his job! He has woke my son up at night to have a go at him whilst heavy drunk, and I think it now needs sorting. My son does not want to see his dad whilst he is drinking. My ex has even tried to get my son to play poker. My son says he finds it really awkward, as he won't say anthing because he is so scared. I found a letter that my son had wrote to himself about his dad...it upset me to read it! Any advice as what to do now would be greatly appreciated.

[natalie_1982]

I'm sorry, but I do not understand how you can allow your son to go there of a weekend. How on earth must he be feeling? Even if he wanted to go I think I would be at the very least, strongly urging him not to if not totally putting my foot down altogether and stopping access. You are putting your son in danger by letting him stay with an adult who is incapable of caring properly for him.

[natalie_1982]

Have you thought about contacting your police authority and having a word? I am sure they can enforce counselling / support on your ex if they find him to be not fulfilling his duties.

Have you tried speaking to your ex or your son's step mum about this?

If the school were aware this was going on at home (admittedly not YOUR home) then I am sure they would be required to contact social services. Please don't expose your son to this anymore, how about suggesting visits at YOUR home by his father, during the day. If he shows up drunk, he doesn't get in. If he gets aggressive, call the police.

[packmalp1]

I have had spoken to the stepmum about this on Monday and she is going to have a word. My son only told me about all this going on this weekend just gone. He did mention before about his dad going down the pub on a Friday, so I changed it to a saturday morning. I was in court with my ex regarding my son when I first split up and my son was four. I found him to be taking him to the pub quite often back then. He told the court that he took my son to the pub for meals, and the court couild not see anything wrong with this. Also the police federation flew down from Scotland to interview me for 4 hours about my marriage with him and somethings he had been doing at work. They told me he would be out of the job...that was 8 years ago!!

I am waiting for my ex to ring me and obviously I don't want my son to go anymore, but just needed people's advice really as I don't want anyone to think I am doing wrong. I am scared for my son and want to protect him!

[Ice.Maiden]

Just reading your post made me feel ill packmalp1. Please, please don't send your poor son to his dad's. I'd do more than show your ex. the letter which your son wrote - I'd take copies of it, and show his bosses, the step mum - the lot. This is nothing short of cruelty. I do hope you can get something sorted out.

[Kleiber]

I agree with the others - have a word with your ex's senior officers. It's a bit drastic, but if this guy's a copper, he should know better. Your poor son's situation aside, this man isn't fit to carry out Police duties - he's getting drunk himself, mentally abusing your son and yet is probably going out, on duty the next night, arresting drunks and other people who abuse their children!!!

[hussy]

you cant keep going through this pack something has to be sorted out for your peace of mind and your sons sake.
don"t let this go on any further!! get a solicitors letter sent to him and hopefully he"l take notice of this as hes going to lose his son sooner or later and he needs a shock to realize this.
good luck xxx

[Drisgirl]

OMG -what a nightmare.
You have done all you can to enable your ex and your son to maintain a relationship -he hasnt kept to his side of the bargain.

This is now affecting your son far more than being estranged from his father would.Time to pull the opin and make sure that your son has happy childhood memories and I am sure you are the person who can do that.

I wouldnt even bother about his work -its his problem -he has decided to take the path of self detruct let him suffer the consequences -he really doesnt matter at all -he is selfish-so dont even concern yourself hun.

I wish you and your son all the best and I feel that once you have cut contact both of you will feel a weight has been lifted.

Good luck -your son is a lucky lad to have a mum like you x

[banjobabe]

Hey Pack,

Not sure I have much else to add other than I can see that you are trying to do the right thing all round.

I have posted questions on here before and have virtually been given abuse because the situation is so involved that you can't fit it all in and I was more or less accused of being a terrible Mum.

I would hope that your son will now be at an age where he will be able to make these decisions for himself. I would suggest contacting parentline for further advice and information, they can be very helpful or perhaps even childline.

Sending you best wishes and hugs.

BB xx