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Child concieved through rape.
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This isn't a question, I would just like to hear other peoples views.
I was adopted at birth in Canada by British parents. I have always known that I was adopted and had full support from my parents when I felt ready to find my biological mother. I found her 10years ago. We have kept in contact since although not very close. Over the years I have asked many times about my father but she has never given me any answers.
2 weeks before christmas I tracked down some more of my biological family. I asked them about my father and got the shock of my life. My mother was raped when she was 15 which resulted in her becoming pregnant with me. She took the man to court but they said there was not enough evidence. The case was thrown out. Apparently he had taken her virginity so theres really no doubt that he is my 'father'.
My dilema now; I have found this man and I dont know what to do. I have been speaking to his 2 sons via email and they are such lovely people (its not their fault their dad is scum). I do not want to have any kind of relationship with my 'father' but I would love to get to know my big brothers. This is going to cause bother with my biological mother. I dont have a very close relationship with her but I have a huge amount of respect for her for choosing to give me my life. I would never want to hurt or upset her but this is driving me crazy.
I spoke to my younger sister (biological sister, mothers side) and it turns out that she has known all about this for years but her mum had asked her not to say anything to me. She is going to tell her mum that I have found this man, i am just praying that she doesnt hate me for doing this.
I have had a terrible christmas and new year, thinking about how i was concieved. It made me feel disgusting and dirty, knowing I have the blood of a rapist!! It makes me sick!!!
Am I wrong for dragging up the past?
I was adopted at birth in Canada by British parents. I have always known that I was adopted and had full support from my parents when I felt ready to find my biological mother. I found her 10years ago. We have kept in contact since although not very close. Over the years I have asked many times about my father but she has never given me any answers.
2 weeks before christmas I tracked down some more of my biological family. I asked them about my father and got the shock of my life. My mother was raped when she was 15 which resulted in her becoming pregnant with me. She took the man to court but they said there was not enough evidence. The case was thrown out. Apparently he had taken her virginity so theres really no doubt that he is my 'father'.
My dilema now; I have found this man and I dont know what to do. I have been speaking to his 2 sons via email and they are such lovely people (its not their fault their dad is scum). I do not want to have any kind of relationship with my 'father' but I would love to get to know my big brothers. This is going to cause bother with my biological mother. I dont have a very close relationship with her but I have a huge amount of respect for her for choosing to give me my life. I would never want to hurt or upset her but this is driving me crazy.
I spoke to my younger sister (biological sister, mothers side) and it turns out that she has known all about this for years but her mum had asked her not to say anything to me. She is going to tell her mum that I have found this man, i am just praying that she doesnt hate me for doing this.
I have had a terrible christmas and new year, thinking about how i was concieved. It made me feel disgusting and dirty, knowing I have the blood of a rapist!! It makes me sick!!!
Am I wrong for dragging up the past?
Answers
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i think you are right for wanting to know your routes. i would not want any thing to do with my father but i think i would with siblings after all it wasnt down to them. i know it is hard to drag up the past but i think your mother should support your decision.how do your adoptive parents feel about you seeing your brothers, will they stand by you and support your decision. if they will then i would say go for it as you will have always have them for comfort if needed. i do believe that if you decide to have a relationship with your brothers then you should all agree that the past is the past as far as your father is concerned and that it is not to be mentioned again otherwise this is going to make things harder for all involved
good luck
good luck
How old are you? I ask because your year of birth could be very relevant.
A 15 year old girl getting pregnant was a hugely shameful thing and there are many shades of rape.
There is the rape we all think of - a violent act by a stranger, with the girl in fear of her life.
And the other extreme - girlfriend changes her mind half way through the act and says no.
It is not impossible that your mother never was raped - but consented to sex with a boyfriend. She may have claimed rape to get her out of a lot of trouble with her parents. A horrid situation but it has happened all down the ages.
Whatever happens you will never know for sure. But there is no need whatsoever for you to be beating yourself up over this. Your true parents, the ones who raised you, love you and have shaped your character.
Seriously consider meeting your biological father. There are two sides to every story.
A 15 year old girl getting pregnant was a hugely shameful thing and there are many shades of rape.
There is the rape we all think of - a violent act by a stranger, with the girl in fear of her life.
And the other extreme - girlfriend changes her mind half way through the act and says no.
It is not impossible that your mother never was raped - but consented to sex with a boyfriend. She may have claimed rape to get her out of a lot of trouble with her parents. A horrid situation but it has happened all down the ages.
Whatever happens you will never know for sure. But there is no need whatsoever for you to be beating yourself up over this. Your true parents, the ones who raised you, love you and have shaped your character.
Seriously consider meeting your biological father. There are two sides to every story.
Further to Ethel's answer...how old was your father at the time you were conceived? A lot of people would have in their mind a stereotypical picture of a rapist as a dirty old man skulking in a bush. If he was, like your biological mother, a kid himself, that would put a different slant on it.
As has been said, there are two sides to every story and you need to hear the facts from both sides. If you don't meet him simply for the fear of upsetting your biological mother I think you'll regret it and you'll be left wondering for the rest of your life. How do you know your biological father is "scum"? Keep an open mind. I think you have to meet him just to complete the jigsaw.
Good luck.
As has been said, there are two sides to every story and you need to hear the facts from both sides. If you don't meet him simply for the fear of upsetting your biological mother I think you'll regret it and you'll be left wondering for the rest of your life. How do you know your biological father is "scum"? Keep an open mind. I think you have to meet him just to complete the jigsaw.
Good luck.
I am nearly 30 now. My father was approx 34 when my mother had me.
I have been told by family members that my mother was hitchhiking to her friends house and 'got in the wrong car' and he attacked her. But the story I am slowly piecing together is more that she was seeing this man who was married with 2 children and when she discovered she was pregnant she paniced and cried rape. She was from a very strict Dutch catholic family and would no doubt have brought a lot of shame onto them. She was sent away to have me so as noone in the community would find out.
There is a chance that I may be able to get hold of a copy of the court papers (Im waiting to hear about that), perhaps that will give me some more clues as to what really happened.
No matter what REALLY happened, the fact remains that a grown man had sex with a minor, be it consentual (sp?) or not. I know it happens a lot but I have a 14 year old daughter and if she brought a 34 year old man home i'd chop his wottsits off. I cant understand what an adult man could possibly see in a child.
My parents are supporting me completely on all of this, they are wonderful people.
I have been told by family members that my mother was hitchhiking to her friends house and 'got in the wrong car' and he attacked her. But the story I am slowly piecing together is more that she was seeing this man who was married with 2 children and when she discovered she was pregnant she paniced and cried rape. She was from a very strict Dutch catholic family and would no doubt have brought a lot of shame onto them. She was sent away to have me so as noone in the community would find out.
There is a chance that I may be able to get hold of a copy of the court papers (Im waiting to hear about that), perhaps that will give me some more clues as to what really happened.
No matter what REALLY happened, the fact remains that a grown man had sex with a minor, be it consentual (sp?) or not. I know it happens a lot but I have a 14 year old daughter and if she brought a 34 year old man home i'd chop his wottsits off. I cant understand what an adult man could possibly see in a child.
My parents are supporting me completely on all of this, they are wonderful people.
What a dreadful situation for you - I feel deeply for the pain you must be suffering.
First things first - you are only the biological offspring of this man - he has no links to you other than that. Ther person you are is down to your upbringing, and that has obviously been in an atmosphere of love and understanding, and that is what you must hang onto.
Please try not to be hard on yourself about the circumstances of your conception. You are an individual, thoughtful caring intelligent woman, and the origins of your life are not as important as what you and your family have made of you as a person, you must focus your mind on that, and push away the thgouhts of this man, it will only hurt you, and solve nothing.
With regard to seeing your brothers - that is something you need to take a step at a time, and find your way through an emotional minefield, so tread gently, and be nice to yourself all the time.
I hope you reach the peace you are seeking.
First things first - you are only the biological offspring of this man - he has no links to you other than that. Ther person you are is down to your upbringing, and that has obviously been in an atmosphere of love and understanding, and that is what you must hang onto.
Please try not to be hard on yourself about the circumstances of your conception. You are an individual, thoughtful caring intelligent woman, and the origins of your life are not as important as what you and your family have made of you as a person, you must focus your mind on that, and push away the thgouhts of this man, it will only hurt you, and solve nothing.
With regard to seeing your brothers - that is something you need to take a step at a time, and find your way through an emotional minefield, so tread gently, and be nice to yourself all the time.
I hope you reach the peace you are seeking.
Andy - thank you so much for your kind words, it is hugely appreciated!!
The minefield that you mention...... I think I just blew myself up. One of the brothers has backed off completely, I think he is struggling to come to terms with it as well. I know how difficult this must be for them to accept.
I will leave my door open for him to return as and when he is ready.
The minefield that you mention...... I think I just blew myself up. One of the brothers has backed off completely, I think he is struggling to come to terms with it as well. I know how difficult this must be for them to accept.
I will leave my door open for him to return as and when he is ready.
you are a fool to think you can become close to his sons.. as you said one has backt off ... no wonder !...his father was haven sex with a 15 year old when he was young and his brother.. you are playing a very dangerous game.. what do you think he was going to tell his kids... ow yes i did rape a 15 year old girl so what !!... i dont think so do u ?? i think he did rape the girl.. and he told his kids a pack of lies.. you are dragging up a very painful past.. why the hell would you want anything to do with this man is beond me and you say you have a 15 year old ??...close the book and leave well alone.. you are 30+ you have never neaded them so why know ???... and yes you are wrong to drag up the past... this man is nothing to you at all or his kids you was not brought into the world by love ! .. but your mother did as she went threw the pregnancy...you are a fool to think only good will come of this !! you will bring more pain to yourself and your family ...END IT !!
You are not wrong at all. You have every right to know your family. Your mother was very brave to have you and it is a shame you cannot be closer. I would certainly try talking to her about your brothers but make it clear that you want nothing to do with your father.
Do your brothers know about the situation by the way and does your dad know you talk to them?
Do your brothers know about the situation by the way and does your dad know you talk to them?
treborrobert......... thanks for making me feel even worse about the situation. I am going to choose to ignore your comments.
Both of my brothers are wonderful people, they have done nothing wrong here. I WILL get to know them (Im going to Canada in October) and they do want a relationship with me.
Unless someone has been in my situation, noone can begin to imagine the emotional roller-coaster I am on.
As for me dragging up the past....... I dont owe anyone anything. I am looking out for me, noone else. Of course I dont want to hurt my biological mother, I have great respect for her but this is my life and I have a right to know things. Such as my medical history and where I come from. My father may be scum but theres always 1 black sheep in a family.
Both of my brothers are wonderful people, they have done nothing wrong here. I WILL get to know them (Im going to Canada in October) and they do want a relationship with me.
Unless someone has been in my situation, noone can begin to imagine the emotional roller-coaster I am on.
As for me dragging up the past....... I dont owe anyone anything. I am looking out for me, noone else. Of course I dont want to hurt my biological mother, I have great respect for her but this is my life and I have a right to know things. Such as my medical history and where I come from. My father may be scum but theres always 1 black sheep in a family.
hiya nwyrikette. your post scared me as mine is almost the same story.
mum taken advantage when she was 16, by married older man 35. fell pregnant had me. although she said to everyone she was having an affair with him as she could not admit to have been raped.
had me when 17. we lived happilly.
i remember her telling me when she felt i was old enough. about him and who he was and that i had 4 step sisters, she knew this because she was an employee for this man and his wife baby siting and managing one of their many shops. she was very fond of their children.
so to cut a very long story short! mum is still disturbed by what happened that night, all these years later. im now 31.
ive met my real dad- waste of space, it was a natural curiosity, which i have now satisfyed. he was more than embarassed and did not have much to say to me. he looked ashamed. even if i did get on with him, i feel i wouldnt maintain contact out of respect for my mum, who brought me up without any help or support from him.
i have met each of my 4 step sisters and am in contact with 2 of them as the others live far away.
we get on well and maintain contact.
from experience
you must meet this man. hear what he has to say.
your brothers too,
this situation may take years for everyone to get used to, but please remember the past has got to surface and both your parents must have expected this day to come.
i cannot guarentee (sp) a happy ending but some questions may have been answered for you. only then can you really decide who to remain in contact with and who not to.
let me know how you got on...radio.xx
mum taken advantage when she was 16, by married older man 35. fell pregnant had me. although she said to everyone she was having an affair with him as she could not admit to have been raped.
had me when 17. we lived happilly.
i remember her telling me when she felt i was old enough. about him and who he was and that i had 4 step sisters, she knew this because she was an employee for this man and his wife baby siting and managing one of their many shops. she was very fond of their children.
so to cut a very long story short! mum is still disturbed by what happened that night, all these years later. im now 31.
ive met my real dad- waste of space, it was a natural curiosity, which i have now satisfyed. he was more than embarassed and did not have much to say to me. he looked ashamed. even if i did get on with him, i feel i wouldnt maintain contact out of respect for my mum, who brought me up without any help or support from him.
i have met each of my 4 step sisters and am in contact with 2 of them as the others live far away.
we get on well and maintain contact.
from experience
you must meet this man. hear what he has to say.
your brothers too,
this situation may take years for everyone to get used to, but please remember the past has got to surface and both your parents must have expected this day to come.
i cannot guarentee (sp) a happy ending but some questions may have been answered for you. only then can you really decide who to remain in contact with and who not to.
let me know how you got on...radio.xx
Radio..... Thank you so much for your post. I didnt think anyone would have been in a similar situation, its strangely comforting to know that someone has.
I plan to arrange a DNA test before I move forward. If it is proven that this 'man' is my father then I will build a relationship with my brothers. As for my father..... I dont know yet. I THINK I will meet him one day as I can never say never but I have no intention of building a relationship with him. Just thinking about him makes my skin crawl but curiosity is a strong feeling (it also killed the cat, but hey.....). Only time will tell how this situation will turn out.
I plan to arrange a DNA test before I move forward. If it is proven that this 'man' is my father then I will build a relationship with my brothers. As for my father..... I dont know yet. I THINK I will meet him one day as I can never say never but I have no intention of building a relationship with him. Just thinking about him makes my skin crawl but curiosity is a strong feeling (it also killed the cat, but hey.....). Only time will tell how this situation will turn out.
hi nwtrikette.
i admire your strength as this certainly is a difficult situation,
i used to wonder why i just didnt have a normal family, ha if there is such a thing.
i met my father 11 years ago. being 20 i didnt really understand the full situation - until later when i digested all that had happened and began to place all the parts of this messy jigsaw together. honestly, it was a while before it all settled down, and sunk in, also this event affected so many people who dealt with it differently , and came to terms with it in their own times.
my aim in life is to ensure my daughter has one of the balanced childhoods/ life possible with me and daddy, i never feel as if i had a dad , and to see my partner and my daughter laughing, signing songs and dancing makes me feel as if ive acheived something! shes nearly two now.
i hope you are ok throughout this journey, and remember none of this is your fault.
take care, radio xxxxxx
i admire your strength as this certainly is a difficult situation,
i used to wonder why i just didnt have a normal family, ha if there is such a thing.
i met my father 11 years ago. being 20 i didnt really understand the full situation - until later when i digested all that had happened and began to place all the parts of this messy jigsaw together. honestly, it was a while before it all settled down, and sunk in, also this event affected so many people who dealt with it differently , and came to terms with it in their own times.
my aim in life is to ensure my daughter has one of the balanced childhoods/ life possible with me and daddy, i never feel as if i had a dad , and to see my partner and my daughter laughing, signing songs and dancing makes me feel as if ive acheived something! shes nearly two now.
i hope you are ok throughout this journey, and remember none of this is your fault.
take care, radio xxxxxx
ow so its my comment you do not like ????.. well let me put this to you ok .. what about your daughter ?? she has rights too.. will she want to see her grandad ... yes GRANDAD !.. or maybe he might want to come to you to see her... IT WAS RAPE !!!!... talk to your mum ask her just what happend on the day what he did to her and ask her to tell you the truth ...because if you feel you have the right to see his family .. then he will think he as the right to see yours !!( as in your daughter).. you look at your mother as a aduilt.. tell her to get pics out of her when she was 15 .. then tell us you still want to see his family... and dont give me the ... but its not there folt what there father did...i maybe blunt but i see the bigger picture all i am saying is .. yes you have rights and so will he !!...and think off this your daughter come home said she was rape and she was pregnent .. she wanted to keep the child .. and that child grew up and then said she wanted to see her fathers family...know do you see what i mean !!... i am not saying dont see them i am saying just be carefull.. can you be 100% sure you are not going into a mine...and you are not going to be told your mum is a lier egc egc egc.... everyone sounds nice over the phone.. how many persons do you know who rings you and you dont like them but you just be nice.. PLEASE BE CAREFULL OK THATS ALL I AM SAYING ...
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