Ex won't go away!

[roxygirl66]

I left my ex of 7 years for my bf 16 months ago. My 12y daughter saw ex regularly for the first few months after we split. My bf HATES my ex and can't stand my daughter seeing him. We've been trying to phase him out of our lives, we expected him to move on but he keeps creeping back in.
He used to phone and text me which bf wasn't happy about, so I told him to stop. He p.m'd me which I ignored. He told my brother that we went for a drink behind bf's back, which was a lie, and now he is phoning my daughter and telling her not to tell me he has called. He told her he was going to our local on a night we usually go, and not to tell me he would be there. Luckily she told me. He turns up there now and then, even though he lives miles away, and has tried to fight bf (ex was violent to me twice in relationship). Yesterday he phoned her asking what she wants for her B'day (today). I told her last week that if he asks then to say she doesn't want anything off him, because I don't want her to feel obligated to see him, but she has asked him for something anyway. Bf not happy one bit. He understandably just wants him to fcuk off so we can get on with being a family. He says she is selfish by being more bothered about getting presents than the problems he has caused us.
Daughter says she doesn't want to see him, she knows all the things he has done are wrong. I've tried blocking his number to no avail, so aside from changing her number, what can I do?
My bf and I are so happy and in love, but every time my ex pops up, my bf gets angry and argues with me. He told me he won't come home until late, and to go to her party without him. He didn't watch her open her presents and has barely spoken to her. I told him he was being childish and couldn't he just try and rise above it for today as it's her B'day, but he won't. I don't want him to ruin her day, but he say's she has done that herself by being greedy. What can I do?

[k8bailey]

how old is your daughter? is your ex her father?

[roxygirl66]

No he's not. She's 12 today and I was with him since she was 3. We split up a couple of months before she was 11, so he has been there through most of her life. She doesn't call him dad or see her biological dad and doesn't want to.

[k8bailey]

if your ex is not her dad and doesn't have parental responsibility, and she doesn't want to see him then he has no rights. Both you and your daughter will have to tell him that you want nothing to do with him.

However you should be careful that your new bf doesn't have too much say in all this, because your daughter may hold it against him later on.

Bearing in mind that he has been a big part of her life for as long as she can remember, I wouldn't be surprised if she does want some contact with him, but also doesn't want to upset you. The two of you need to have a very honest chat about this, preferably without your bf there.

As for the new bf and what he has said about her bday etc. he really does sound childish, its not up to him! I think he needs this pointing out to him. I know it must be hard for him to have to deal with your ex but that's life, he really needs to remain neutral and set a good example.

Hope your daughter had a nice birthday and you get things sorted with your ex....one way or another!

[ummmm]

Your new BF sounds like a control freak....

[B00]

Well i struggled a bit to be honest to read and decipher that massive wall of text....however whilst it wasn't the question you asked, I do have to agree with Ummm, with regards to your present boyfriends behaviour towards your daughter.

It's her birthday for heavens sake, she's 12, and like any 12 year old she's excited about the amount of presents she's got/will be getting.

Tell your boyfriend to get a grip and act like the adult he's supposed to be.

[CrazyCathy]

But your ex has been in your daughter's life for quite a few years so must be difficult for her. Agree with Ummmm your new guy sounds like a control freak.

You might want to be controlled by him but is it fair on your daughter?

He needs to grow up

[Beanmistriss]

Maybe he keeps coming back because he cares about your daughter? He was part of her life for a very long time and I assume was like a father to her as she was growing up? I think you need to be really careful, if she doesn't see him to keep you and your new bloke happy she will grow up to resent you both. You need to make sure that she really doesn't want to and isn't just trying to keep you happy. Bad things that happened between you both should be none of your daughters business. She's not old enough to understand the complexities of adult relationships and she shouldn't be expected to try. Her relationships with people important to her should be what's important - as long as she's not at risk. He may not have any legal rights but thats not always the important point. You can't bring people into your daughters life then expect her to just forget about them every time you decide she should and make a lovely family with whoever you decide next.

Also you new boyfriend needs to grow up. If you go out with someone who has kids there are A LOT of situations you have to be in where it's not exactly how you want it and there are a lot of sacrifices to be made. If he's not able to handle that get rid cos it'll screw her right up. You have to put your daughter first and so does he. I'd have him punted right out the door.

[metalwoman]

Your situation sounds similar to mine about 3 years ago. My ex was causing me and my new bf problems and he just wouldn't get the message to leave us alone. He had lived with me and my son for nearly 6 years (he's not the father though) and, like you, was violent to me on occasions. In my case, my ex hadn't bothered much with my son when we were together but when we split he suddenly became interested. My son wasn't overly bothered about seeing him and I didn't encourage it as I wanted him out of our lives but he kept contacting my son and buying him stuff. My bf especially had a hard time dealing with the fact that this guy was always there in the background and it led to a lot of rows. He reacted in a similar manner to what you've described on a number of occasions but I could see that the situation was hurting him and that he loved us both so much. Yes, he was childish at times but I put that down to him not knowing how to handle the situations caused by my ex. As it turned out, I discovered that my ex was just using my son to get at me (I'm not suggesting that this is the same for you) and I took the decision to cut off all contact. I changed my son's mobile number and asked him to have nothing more to do with my ex. This may sound a bit drastic but it worked for me. My son has told me recently that he's glad that I did what I did, even though he didn't fully understand why at the time and he has a fantastic relationship with my bf. My ex eventually gave up and doesn't bother us anymore. Sorry to ramble on but reading your post took me back in time to how my life was and I just wanted to share my experience with you. Be strong and I'm sure you'll find the right solution.

[roxygirl66]

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry it was so long - it was twice that length originally and I had to edit it! I had to try and get all the facts in though.

Metalwoman, our situations sound almost identical. My ex didn't bother with my daughter for the last 6-7 months of our relationship and she hated it when she was left alone with him when I went to work. Then like your ex, he suddenly became interested once I'd left him. He then became this great guy who would buy her a Mcdonalds every week and take her round his mate's houses to play with their kids, so to her he became 'fun'. Then the calls got less frequent and she was seeing him about once a month and he stopped feeding her - couldn't afford a �2.25 happy meal apparently, so she was coming home at 9pm on a school night starving.

So, I put a stop to that and he hasn't seen her once this year and didn't buy her a Christmas present so I hoped that would be it. He phones her every now and then for a chat, which was fine with me, until I found out that he's interrogating her about our lives, so it seems to me like yes, he IS using her to get at either me or bf.

My bf is more bothered by the fact that she has still accepted a present from him despite knowing all the lies he's telling, knowing that he hit me (and witnessing it on one occasion), knowing that he tried to fight bf, and understanding that it's wrong for him to tell her to keep secrets from me. I agree with him, but also understand that being a kid, of course she's going to accept presents! He can't see that though.

I told him he was being childish and very selfish especially as it was her Birthday. She had a great day anyway thank you k8bailey, bf didn't talk to her unless she spoke to him but she didn't let it spoil her day. She's so confident and she just let it go over her head and enjoyed herself.

Thank you again everone. x

[treborrobert]

well first of all tell your x boyfriend he has no rights to see your daughter and stop use her !!

can you not see he is use your daughter ?.. i feel sorry for your daughter in the middle of all this ...its your mess not hears so deal with it

and tell your new boyfriend grow up or get out ... and never tell me what to do when it comes to my daughter...

if you dont like it theres the door !!!!

and yes others are right he is a control freak both your x boyfriend and your new boyfriend....

your daughter neads your 100% support not these men in your life... yes you love your new boyfriend .... but love is blind... if you know what i mean......hope this helps

[curiosity]

She may have done well on her birthday ignoring the fact that the adult male in her life decided to only speak when spoken to, but she doesn't need the stress of these communication games, shes 12, hello, musical bumps yes, manipulative adults, no thanks, please see your daughters innocent place while all this shapes her life.