child abuse

[flump1]

an allegation has been made about a friend of mine , ( a man of senior years ) he apparently inappropriately touched his granddaughters , three of them from separate families, all of different ages and they allege it happened years ago. Obviously I want to believe my friend when he declares his innocence and wonders aloud why these girls are saying this about him. However, the girls do not want to involve the police fueling his campaign of innocence. Now I am in two minds about this and alarm bells are ringing. I have only known this man for a few years , I am finding it hard to realise his innocence when there have been three seperate claims made by his granddaughters, I am under the impression children rarely lie about something so serious. It all came to a head when he was on holiday and the children told their parents. All opinions would be appreciated while I decide who I believe.

[Naomicorlett]

A friend of mine committed suicide when his ex partner made allegations that he was unable to disprove . He said that even if it went to court and he was cleared his name would be tainted for ever and he couldn't face that. I would support a friend in these hard times.

[Velvetee]

Well you will never know for sure. If he is guilty, he is unlikely to ever admit it and will probably be living in denial.

It is rather bizarre that 3 Grandchildren would all be accusing him for no reason. It's a difficult one.

[flump1]

Thank you Naomi and Velvetee for these answers, much what I expected, and I am still in a state of flux ! He fell out with his family when he took a young partner and his defence is at the moment that this is their way of getting even with him , something I find abhorrent , if true. I am still in the mind that these children now old enough to know how to act responsibly would not lie to this extent

[wolf63]

flump - I do not envy you your position.

Do you support your friend even though you have a lingering doubt over his innocence or accept the word of the children?

I really wish that I could help - if he is truly innocent this is his worst nightmare come true.

[brenda]

What about the parents of the children --do they not want the police involved--if not --why not?

[flump1]

wolf63, it is a horrible position to be in, and yes I am supporting him, even offering him a bolthole with me if he becomes too uncomfortable at home, ( they all live close by ), however I may not have offered if I had daughters at home.
brenda, I am not sure of why the parents do not want their children to persue it through the court process , I can only guess it is to protect the girls from something which is daunting for adults, let alone young girls. The whole thing is very trying at present .

[Velvetee]

You say he took a "young partner" Flump, which is why the family fell out with him. How young was his partner? (I assume you can guess what I'm getting at)

I suppose victims of sexual abuse, especially when it is within their family, won't talk about it for fear of being disbelieved and their own feelings of personal shame. Perhaps one of the girls involved confided in another and then things all came out?

It seems extreme that anyone would make up they were sexually abused just because their Grandfather was in a relationship with a younger woman.

If he is guilty of what has been alleged, whilst it's abhorrent behaviour, he is your friend and maybe when it happened there may have "circumstances", so you should probably offer your support, but make it clear you do not condone what he may have done.

[flump1]

Velvetee, you have nailed it, the woman who lives with him is twenty years his junior and his children were against it at first. He maintains that this has all come about as a result of ill feeling still lingering, I have been trained in child protection and therefore have insight into when disclosures such as these are bought to light. He is not a close friend and if as is now this doubt keeps lingering I would not miss him. I would like to support him but I have nagging doubts to his claims of innocence. His reaction to the allegation , made by three son- in laws was to move house as quickly as is possible. I appreciate he is hurting, however if he is innocent would he not want to stay close to these children he dotes on ?

[lynseylouh]

Well, I know how this feels. I am currently unable to see my stepdaughter of 6 years because she has wrote a report for the CAFCASS services to say that I have been shouting and swaearing at her, however, this was under some duress and somthing that I certainly have not done. My stepdaughter has since admitted that this was not true and that she was under influence from her mum to say these things.
I would say, innocent until proven guilty. There is no proof that the claims made against this man are true. Children of all ages do say things that aren.t always true especially if they may be slightly agreived about an argument with the person cited, or previous family problems have taken place with the said person. Maybe ask your friend involved if there have been any previous problems with his grandchildren, and on what grounds as this will help you to build a better picture of what is happening.

[Ice.Maiden]

This is a horrible dilemma, and I think if it was me, I'd want to keep out of it until you perhaps find out one way of the other.
Some years ago, a man who worked for someone in our family was accused of interfereing with his step-daughter. No one believed it, because the man in question was "distraught" and proclaimed his innocence. He also seemed the epitome of respectability. However, there was a police prosecution eventually, and he was given a suspended sentence. You don't get that for doing "nothing".

[pinktwink]

yes you are right flump three seperate allegations is a bit suspicious, nonetheless this friend will still need support from someone as he himself seems to have a problem. It is rare for children to lie about theses matters although it does occur it is with far less frequency thn the truth. The reason families may not want police involved may be due to the trauma and ordeal to the children of pursuing a case through the courts. What age are they??

[flump1]

thanks guys for your input , it is still as mixed up as ever The girls are now 16 14 and 13 years old. Old enough to appreciate the appaling nature of any false allegations ,yet old enough to appreciate how the court system works and view it with fear and dread. , Before this he was a doting grandfather, himself a father of four, and was always surrounded by children.

[pfabc123]

Hi Flump. the old saying "no smoke without fire" springs to mind here. I could understand if all three were siblings under one roof but for three children to come forward from three different families. C'mon. You have had child protection training so go with your gut instinct.

[flump1]

thanks pfabc 123, I agree with what you are saying, however when faced with a man claiming to be the injured party , a victim of a family dispute , one finds it more difficult to follow ones' gut. I am afraid however that subsequent behaviour leads me to the conclusion that indeed there is no smoke without fire and I am of the mind he may well be guilty .

[pfabc123]

Hi flump 1. Its been a terrible dilemma for you but at least you have stopped doubting your instinct. I have been amazed throughout my life at how deceitful people can me. Especially family relations. As I get older I choose to allocate very little of my time to these emotional vampires. Life is too short.