Father in law cheating?

[SuDFB]

I live with my in laws and we all get on very well but about 3 years ago my husband suspected that he was cheating and he comfronted him while I comforted my mother in law, in the end my husband was made to look like an idiot and things slowly went back to normal.

Now my mother in law works evening, only me my hubby and father in law are at home during this time. For the last few months he comes home from work only to leave a short while after but then is always back before my mother in law gets home.

I thinks he is at it again although its none on my business I lost respect for him and feel so sad for his wife, my hubby unfortunatly is not dealing very well with it as he doesnt know whar to do. Should he comfront him again? or leave it?

[ummmm]

Why did he suspect him? What evidence did he have?

[SuDFB]

He saw text messages (and called the number), and also small things like leaving the house and not saying anything all dressed up.

This is just really getting him down as he can't bare the thought that his father ( who he has always looked up to and respected deeply) could be cheating on his mum.

[bednobs]

what right have you and your husband got to interfere with their marriage? you say your husband was made to look like an idiot (probably because he is interefering) If he confronted the dad, how did the mum get to know about it, so that you had to comfort her? Was he actually having an affair?
Anyway, my advice is to not interefere again (how do you know she dosen't know/condone it anyway?) and move out so you are not both in this awful position

[ummmm]

What do you mean he saw text message? Did your husband go through his phone?

I wouldn't dream of looking at my partners phone..let alone my parents.

[SuDFB]

I understand we should no interfer and beleive you me I am staying in my own corner. Unfortunatly the first time this happened rumours started going around that people had seen him with so and so and obviously after a while my mother in law heard these rumours and came crying to me. I didn't know what to do so I told me husband his mum was upset because of the rumours, so my husband and his brother took it upon themselfs and went through their fathers phone and founf very steamy text messages to another woman. After his mother nagging him to do something and so he did, he confronted his father but his father obviously denied everything.

Now history is repeating it's self and my husband does not want to get involved once again, but he feels he is failing his mother if he doesnt protect her, and I can understand that.

[bednobs]

is here any possibility of you moving out?

[ummmm]

I would also advise to move out.

[craft1948]

I think you should move out......then your father-in-law can bring his bit on the side home instead of having to get dressed up and go out........

[redcrx]

i thought you had finally got to point of moving out SuDFB. Leave them to sort their own problems out

[kojak]

Hi SuDFB

If you do move out, if you can, you're problem will be partly solved.
But as you say, your hubby will still have the dilemma, as to what to do, but at least it wont be so in your face.

Best of luck to you, and hope it sorts out well. :) x

[ladyalex]

Sounds to me as though M-in-law in a strange way likes being the poor mistreated wife and mother.
She had an inkling of the first affair and instead of confronting F-in-law, her husband, got her son to do it for her. Ask yourself...would you get someone else to confront your husband if you thought he was having an affair ? Don't you think you would do it yourself ? I'm sure she was very upset, but she's not doing much to sort it out and it is at the end of the day HER problem , not her son's and certainly not yours.
If she asks you or your husband to confront F-in-law again, I think , if you could , I'd tell her to take care of her own business. If you feel that you all absolutely must get involved in this, make sure she does her bit and doesn't just confine herself to weeping and having to be comforted.
It's very noble of your husband to want to protect his mother, but he really cannot continue to be their go-between. As you have already found out, despite what was presumably quite strong evidence (or else he would never have confronted his Dad) M-in-Law let it all get smoothed over and the only one who looked bad was ....your husband. I think your husband might appreciate your support NOT to get involved in this again. After all who wants to be used by one person in a relationship as a stick to beat the other one ?
As for your loss of respect for F-in -Law...that's gone and it won't come back. You have to just try to accept him for what he is, not hope that he will become again what you thought he was.
Your husband has a harder job with that , because he has to accept that his Dad is not a saint and someone to be looked up to, he's probably a bit of a cheat. Not only that, he's a bit of a cheat who was willing to make a fool of his son so that he could go on cheating.
Sorry to be so tough.
Good luck.

[brenda]

I really cannot understand a woman allowing her son to sort out her marital problems for her.Is she not capable of speaking up for herself .
I would want to protect my children from the all the gory details of my partners extra -marital cavortings , and only present the basic facts,for example that their father is having an affair and that I am dealing with the situation.
I feel very sorry indeed for your husband , he is being manipulated by his Mother to be involved, whilst the image he had of his father crumbles.
This is a bad situation for you both , and you will need to support each other in this dilemma.
The loyalty card is being over played in this issue , and your husband will need to firm up quite a bit.
A parent has no right to expect total loyalty as a given right , just because they are a parent.This I think is the most upsetting aspect of this scenario, the fact that your husband feels that he has failed his Mother.
In my view she is failing him big time by asking him to sort this out. I nfact she is failing him in a monumental way.I do not think moving out is the immediate answer , but maybe together you can put some distance between you on this issue whilst you are under the same roof , and move when the dust has settled a little.
Some straight forward talking from your husband, with your support , declaring a stance of non -involvement may tide you over in the interim.
This is ,as has been said their problem , so let them sort it.

[SuDFB]

Thank you all for your advise, and I completly agree with alot that has been said. Unfortunatly we won't be able to move out untill begining of next year so another few months to go.

I agree that his mother has apprpoached this completley wrong and also agree that she like to be the poor victim and be conforted all the time now that I read what you have written it all makes sense to me.

We will try to maintain our distance for now and make it very clear that we are not getting involved and hopefuly move out in good terms.

I am trying to support my husband as much as I can and make him understand that he has not failed his mother. Once again thanks for all the advise, it makes so much sense what has been said specialy by ladyalex and brenda.

Redcrx, I tryied didn't work M - in law came with a sob story that they were struggling and needed out help, but we have come to the point where we don't realy care anymore because they are all lies, she just over spends and frankly I am not working to sustain someones shopping habbit, and now that my husband has realised its all bullsh*t we are leaving.

As for Craft1948, frankly that comment was uneccesary it's disgusting enough what he is doing let alone bring a ***** in to the family home.

[brenda]

I really do hope that things will turn out well for you and your husband in the end , i really do. Sincerely all the very best for the future. Brenda.

[ladyalex]

Glad it helped and hope things work out for you.
I'm sure they will eventually, but you and your husband have got your work cut out.
Good Luck