My Dad...

[CAJ1]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts on here about how I was fostered because my dad didn't want me and my mum was too scared to stand up for me. He has just added me as a friend on facebook after not talking for nearly 10 years...what do I do? Do I try to make amends with him to have a normal family or ignore him so I don't get hurt again? It would be nice to see my mum and see how she is. I'm very confused as to what to do...please help!

[pericat]

Do you have a gut feeling about this caj?

[CAJ1]

Not really pericat, I want a normal family, I want to see how they are after all this time but at the same time I really don't want to be hurt again, it screwed me up for years. Its like one half of me is saying talk to him and the other half saying don't

[jackthehat]

I would certainly advise you NOT to have immediate contact with him.
There is no law that says you MUST interact with anyone who contacts you. You need to think long and hard before you make contact.

All of your ducks have to be in a row............all avenues considered and explored and coping strategies set in place.

Best of luck.

[CAJ1]

Thanks for the advice jackthehat. I think you're right about thinking it through long and hard, be easy just to jump in there and then regret it!

[mccfluff]

i think i would caj you can always delete and block him again, but at JTH says you need coping stratagies in place before you do anything, as you can;t delete and block him out of your head.

but as you say it wold be nice for you to see your mother, but why has she not contacted you herself?

[afcjan]

Caj, life is very short but I agree go with your gut feelings, but be very careful. Maybe it would be better to chat on the phone first before adding him as a facebook friend.

[CAJ1]

Thanks mcfluff, you're right I wouldn't be able to block him out once he's in.

I'm guessing my mum doesn't have a fb page. They moved without telling me where they were going and then I moved and no one has known where anyone is. He must have found me through searching fb

[CAJ1]

It is afcjan. I don't have a number for him so would have to add him as a friend to get it.

I'm heading off here but will pop back later, thanks for the advice so far :)

[mccfluff]

well he ob wants to contact you so maybe its time to find out what he wants to say but be careful, good luck whatever you do

[jno]

not meaning to sound negative about this but I think it's too late to have a 'normal' family; it's not up to you to create what your parents failed to create 20 years ago. You are now old enough to decide for yourself who you want and don't want to have contact with. If you want to stay in touch with your father, fine, but don't do it in the hope that it will somehow recreate a family that never was.

As jack and fluff have said, be very sure about what you want and expect to happen before you do anything at all, otherwise you may just find yourself reopening old wounds. At the very worst your father may just be trying to clear his own conscience while messing with yours.

[Le Chat]

Well said jno. It beggars belief why your Dad is actually asking you to be a FB friend. He obviously has no idea what he and your Mum did to you emotionally. It is all so casual it's insulting. In the back of his mind, he is trying to gloss over sending you away and is in complete denial about how such an 'innocent' request may throw you into turmoil. He didn't get it all those years ago, or he would have taken his parental responsibilities seriously and he sure doesn't get it now. When did parenting become a choice?
I would be very, very ,very wary.
I feel for you I really do CAJ1.

[CAJ1]

I never thought of it that way jno.

Thanks le chat.

I was thinking about this yesterday and decided I was curious to see what he wanted. I think I'm over everything that he did to me so I'm guessing he can't hurt me anymore. I sent him an email asking what he wanted and he replied saying he just wanted to know how I am. He then put there was nothing left of the family as my mum had left him and my sister had moved out.

Would anyone else agree it sounds like he is lonely, by himself and has realised he has lost everything and is therefore trying to make amends? I'm not going to fall for it by the way or be used like that! I'm a great believer in what comes around goes around, seems like he now has to deal with being left by himself, at least he's not a 14 year old girl!

[zzxxee]

i would say if he has added you as a friend on fb you sent out the request so you have answered your own question
you do want contact deep down if only for curiosity purposes take it slow and go with your gut instinct good luck xx

[sara3]

hi CAJ, it's difficult to judge without knowing all the facts and you don't even know them yourself. you've every right to be angry with him, but would you maybe regret not exploring this in a few years time? is he going to be the only link to the rest of your family? it would never be a "normal" relationship considering the circumstances, but a lot of time has passed and maybe he has had one of those sobering "what the hell have I done?" moments.

I guess it's up to you whether you want to punish him for what he has done (no one would blame you for being angry and upset), or maybe explore how you can take it forward. I would never judge you, either way.. it's your choice but there's no rush. talk it through with your nearest and dearest, and lots of luck x

[CAJ1]

No zzxxee, I meant he sent me a friend request and should I add him as a friend?

I must admit curiosity is getting the better of me, I have asked him to forward my mum and sisters details which hopefully he will send to me and then I think I'm done with him

[CAJ1]

Thanks Sara, I think I always saw him as the only route to get to my family because he was always the one in control. I'd much rather have contact with my mum and sister and just speak to him on an amicable basis. I have no desire to meet up with him and have a "happy reunion" now I know they have moved away from him. I hope he gives me their details and there is a happy reunion between me, my mum and sister. I think I have finally realised what I want :)

[zzxxee]

aaahhh i see right well i would get the info off him and digest what is given to you and then decide which path to take about your dad x

[CAJ1]

My fault for not explaining properly xxzzee! Terrible habit of mine lol

I think I will do just that xx

[CAJ1]

God I spelt your name wrong sorry, I have a cold at the mo and my brains not working properly!

[zzxxee]

its ok i think you are taking the right approach x