Am I being unfair?

[packmalp1]

I posted on here last month regarding my stepdaughter, who was causing problems and being disrespectful and ignoring me. My husband's ex (her mum) does not like me at all and are constantly texting each other, and when my stepdaughter started lying and texting her mum. I would end up being sworn at, shouted at...the verbal abuse was unbelievable.

I at first decided i know longer wanted her to come to my house, as i had had enough. Both myself and my husband sat and spoke and laid all the cards on the table. I did say he didn't support me, as nothing was ever said to his daughter or ex wife, and i was just suppose to get on and deal with it.

Anyway after everything I decided to back down and compromise and allow her in the house, but I only asked for her not to bring her mobile phone. When my husband told her, she has refused to come without her phone. I feel that my stepdaughter needs to speak to her dad if there is a problem, and not keep texting her mum, which puts fuel on the fire. My stepdaughter went to spain for 4 weeks recently, and her mum did not allow her to take her phone. My husband won't talk to me now as his daughter doesn't want to come here. It's only for 2 nights at the most. Does anyone feel i am being unfair? Apparently she wants to be intouch with her friends. I have MSN that she uses for hours when she is here. Any comments will really help. Thanks

[Prudie]

Hi. I remember reading your last posts about this and nearly added to it at the time. I'm afraid I think phones are such a critical part of teenage culture these days that to stop your step-daughter bringing one will cause huge resentment and serve you no good. Can you not have a calm discussion with her and her father suggesting problems are aired openly at the time and ask her not to text her mum as the first resort?

[packmalp1]

Thanks prudie..yes i know mobiles are part of teenage culture. We have sat down and discussed that problems are aired openly. However my husband did say that he would, but already he has not kept to that, and just says he doesn't want to talk about it.

I am not saying i will never allow it, but just until we can put a stop to her causing problems between me and her mum, and that she realises that she has to approach her dad more. Everyone keeps telling me that allowing her to bring her phone is just heading for more problems..

I also feel sorry for my husband, as it feels that her phone is more important than seeing her dad!! Her own mum did not want her to take her phone away, as she knows it causes problems... I don't think it too much to ask...is it?

[Andyvon]

I had two step-daughters during my first marriage packmalp. It was absolute hell and my wife was 'piggy-in-the-middle' as your husband is now. I also had a chauffeur company for twelve years and I met so many men and women in the same position. I never met anyone in a step-parent situation who was happy.

Believe me packmalp, you have to look after yourself. Your step-daughter hates your guts for marrying her father and taking his attention from her. The situation won't improve, it'll only get worse. If you back down your step-daughter will have won and she'll be even worse to you knowing she can get away with it. Your husband won't stand up for you as he's in the middle and torn between you and his daughter.

You must assert your authority so that you gain some respect from your step-daughter, even though she doesn't like you. You must put your foot down and tell your husband that you will not allow her to bring her phone and cause trouble for you in your own home. Your husband may be happy to agree as he isn't then having to make a decision against his own daughter, he's backing you. Maybe tell the two of them that you are not going to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Why should you be? If your step-daughter won't accept you, then she can see her father away from the house. If she wants to visit your house, then she must respect you.

You have to be tough packmalp or it'll keep getting worse. I wasn't tough and it broke me and my first marriage. I've have a wonderful wife now, although she also has a problem daughter. However, S is 23 and lives away from us. She also accepts me more than she has anyone and doesn't like her mother, so that's the difference now.

If you don't stand up for yourself packmalp you'll continue to live in misery and it'll break your marriage and life. Tell your step-daughter and husband - NO PHONE and no trouble or she stays away from your home! Good luck. My feelings a

[Andyvon]

The last few words were that my feelings and thoughts are with you as I know exactly what you are going through. You are in the right - not your step-daughter!

[hc4361]

I take it your house is also her father's house. You are very wrong to try and come between the two of them.
Kids can be a nightmare to their natural parents, never mind step parents.
As you say it is only for two nights a week. Stop competing with her and find other things to do when she is at your home. Let it all ride over you - you are better than that and at the end of the day you have her dad to yourself for 5 nights a week.
Go out and let dad and step daughter have time to themselves. Be pleasant, be polite but don't put up with any nonsense. Remove yourself and let him sort it out. Have a bath, an early night, anything. This will pass in time.

[Prudie]

Two very different approaches shows you what a difficult situation this is with only you knowing which way you can deal with it. I was in the situation of the mother and absolutely hated my ex's new wife and hoped my daughter would hate her too when she went to stay. Totally wrong of me but I'm sure I'm not alone in having such feelings.
What I was going to say to you before is that my daughter went through a phase of being unbearable (about 17 -19) and often had me in tears but she did grow out of it to become a loving human being!

[packmalp1]

hi hcc4361,

Thanks for your comments... No it is actually my house, not my husbands. I have tried so many times to bend over backwards to make my stepdaughter comfortable, and i certainly don't want to come between my husband and his daughter.

Unfortunately my husband won't sort out any nonsense when anything happens. He goes into a cave, and won't come out and sort it. I get really upset and it gets harder everytime.. to my husband he can't see any problems, and when i do get upset, he says ' I Thought you were sorting it'.

I feel i shouldn't feel have to feel like this in my own home. I loved, cared and got on so well with my stepdaughter when she was about 8. Her mum did not like that at all. My son has a stepmother who he gets on excellently with, and i really like her too. I would want to know that my child is being well looked after and loved, especially when there are some terrible people out there!!

At the end of the day, i should not have to put up with it x

[hc4361]

It is extremely difficult and your husband is not helping - but it must be impossible for him to take sides, he certainly doesn't want to alienate his daughter by sticking up for you and after all, she is only a child (he will say).

Try to switch off, grit your teeth and find enjoyable activities outside the home so you have little contact with her. Let him deal with it all. If he doesn't like it, that's tough on him.

It will be hard to do but SO liberating. You must have friends or family you can spend an hour or so with or join a book club or anything!

Realise you do not have any choice in this child spending time in your home, but you can choose what you do whilst she is there. Don't feel guilty about going out - it is all for their benefit *wink*

[packmalp1]

HI hc4361,

Thanks so much for your comments..that was really helpful.

Thanks for your time and help x

I

[society]

I think what's bothering you a lot about stepdaughter is that when she comes over to visit, and spend time with her dad she continuously texts her Mum. You probably think she tells her mum about what's going on in your home whenever she starts texting.

[packmalp1]

Hi Society,

Yes definately...it's more the lies about me.. what i am saying to her etc. her mum instead of ringing up and asking my husband what the situation is, her mum goes like an absolute syco nutter and just wants to start on me. My husband's ex and said that both herself and her daughter think i not a ideal stepmum at all.

If i buy anything for the home, she texts her mum and tells her. Her mother then throws it back, and it does not have anything to do with my husbands ex. is my step daughter doing this to make her mum jealous?

I just wonder where these lies are going to end. I wish my husband would just pull his daughter to the side, and explain that it's wrong and it will have to stop!

I get on excellently with my step son, and don't have these problems with him at all.

Thanks for your time x

[karenmac60]

Firstly, the mother will be jealous. It's hard to see your own daughter forming a mother/daughter relationship with someone else, and no matter how much people may reassure you that you are the mother and can never be replaced there is always the fear that the things you always wanted to share with your daughter will be shared with someone else. I constantly fret that my teenage daughter will open up and confide in her dad's girlfriend rather than me - especially since I never had a great relationship with my own mum at that age and always vowed my daughter and I would be different. So there will always be friction there, you have to learn how to deal with it until such times as her mother becomes more secure in their relationship. She may also be struggling financially and resent anything new you have.
Secondly, your step daughter is still a child. You must be more tolerant and if you can't be, then take a step back and let her dad deal with her. It's not really your place and if you force your partner to choose between you, you are in for a shock - you cannot possibly win over his daughter. She is a mass of seething hormones just now and will fight you tooth and nail. Learn to pick your battles. Putting your foot down and letting her know who's boss will only cause her to resent you more. Discipline should really be up to her dad, not you. Leave them to it and just try and be her friend where you can and let the rest wash over you. You are only making more trouble for yourself otherwise.

[packmalp1]

Hi Karenmac60,

Thanks ever so much for your comments, you put some terrific ideas on here...much appreciated.

I have sat down and spoke to my husband today, and for the sake of our relationship I have said his daughter can bring her phone, but the minute there is any trouble with it, he will need to sort it. At the moment his daughter does not want to even speak to him, and refusing to come over. At 13 she is just having a strop as she couldn't have her own way.

I have since found out she was unbelievably rude to her dad on Saturday, and he has said if she has the same attitude he does not want her coming to the house. So by me standing down and giving in, it has made things better between myself and my husband. My husband has said he will have to take control of the situation and sort it out, as you can imagine it has made me happy, as it was always me having to sort the mess out. I can have a good night's sleep at last. I know his daughter will stop stropping soon.

Thanks again xx