Family at Christmas

[fairycakes69]

Its coming to that time of year again. Is it just me or does anyone else feel guilt tripped into inviting family members over for christmas dinner? I don't get on with my mum, but have had her for every year for the last 22 barr one, only because I was in hospital having twins. She just stresses me out and I don't enjoy christmas because of it, she has never once said she would stay away. I realise she likes to see them, we all live in the same town so we see her once a week. All our kids are late teens early twenties (there are 5 of them) and I have said to the eldest who has 2 little ones that she doesn't have to have dinner with us as I don't want her to feel like I do.
I know this sounds really bad but you don't ask some one you don't get on with over for christmas but you do with family.
Was wondering if I'm the only selfish sod out there.

[wolf63]

I am 47 and single, since my dad died in 2004 it has only been me at Christmas. It doesn't bother me too much but I do feel a little isolated.

I am in Perth and a couple of years ago I did go down to Nottingham to stay with my brother, his wife and his three young children - aged 2, 4 and 6. I was totally exhausted when I got back home and ended up in bed with a nasty bug.

I can sympathise with you - it can be a horrendously stressful time of year. Do what 'you' want to do. Is their nobody else that can take your mother? My mum was difficult too - nearly murdered her a few times over the years.

Good luck

[Prudie]

fairycake I'm sure you are not alone. I was the same as you and hated Christmas because I got so stressed about having my mother over year after year. We did get on but as she got older she got more cantankerous and Xmas seemed to revolve around her - TV on full blast watching things we didn't want to for example. Only thing though is she died last year and now Christmas has no purpose for me anymore and I feel guilty about moaning about her..

[bednobs]

just don't do it. Tell her you are going away!

[sherrardk]

It's your Christmas too - you should be selfish and do what you want for a change. My mother almost ruined Christmas last year, swanning in a couple of days before and giving the kids their presents to open (she knew we didn't want them to open them until Christmas day as we want to maintain the whole Father Christmas thing). She would have been welcome to come on Christmas day had she wanted to and then she could have seen the kids open their presents (she only lived about 1 hour and 15 minutes away) but she choose to spend that day with my siblings. Unfortunately, she died in March (after a very short illness) but I don't feel guilty about her knowing my feelings about nearly ruining Christmas, etc. There is only so much you can give up for other people and only so bad you can feel about it.

[carmalee]

there is nothing in law that says you must do this, that or the other at Christmas - however, even though you don't get on with your mother, she is the only one you will ever have. I loved and still love my late mother dearly and would give anything to have her with me anyday let alone at christmas.

[welshlibranr]

You're not being selfish fairycake!...............you've endured many years of Christmas lunch with your Mother, time to have the day you would like!..................Explain to her that this year, you're having a change, tell her you're not having a traditional Christmas lunch, that you're going to go out for a picnic, or that you're going to spend the day with friends instead!..............tell her anything, just so that she makes other arrangements this year!...........Good Luck!........

[fairycakes69]

Thank you for the replies, good to know I'm not the only one out there, Prudie I suspect I will feel guilty when she's gone, every year I say we're not having her, then I feel guilty as I know she will be on her own, she has driven all her friends away and I'm the only family she has. I tried one year and she turned up at the door step as we were about to eat, with the kids presents, they we quite young then and she ended up staying for dinner. honestly she is that bad or deperate for the company.
I'll let you know how it ends this year.

[mollykins]

We always have my nan and grandad over plus my sister once every two years and my brother + his wife and son once every three years.

[kendra20]

why dont you have your kids with you on xmas day and ask your mother to come on boxing day for a change make the excuse that kids might be a bit rowdy for her. or better still take her out to lunch on boxing day,

[jaydah]

While am able, I cook Christmas dinner at home. All my kids & g'kids are welcome but if they have to spend it with out-laws, so be it. Me & the dogs have any left-overs.

[flicrat]

Your posting was worrying, as I am in my seventies and I worry every Christmas/Easter/Mothering Sunday etc that my two nearest children wil be going "Whose turn is it to have mother to lunch this year?" I always have a lovely time with either of them and their families, but I do try not to interfere - difficult sometimes!

[anneasquith]

flicrat, im sure you fed and gave your children many happy days, sit back and enjoy.

[fairycakes69]

Oh flicrat, I didn't post this to make people worry if they are wanted at christmas, there are loads of families that love having each other at christmas, I so wish I was part of that, I hope that when we get to a certain age the younger ones would like us for christmas, but I also know that I will always give them the choice and never asume, (maybe that's why we have five kids, least they'll only have us once ever 5 years lol)

[welshlibranr]

would never impose on my children at Christmas, happy for them to do whatever they wish, they can come to us, they are very welcome always, but if they want to spend the day with the children on their own, then that's fine Too! it's fine with us, whatever they decide!....sadly some grandparents do not see it this way!........and this causes problems!.......

[tastymorsel]

Always told my boys I don't expect a life times rent for nine months tenancy.But to get back to thread.I had my mum over for Xmas lunch every year and she used to drive us all mad.This will be the first Xmas without her(she died in January)Would love to have a nag at her now.She won't be around forever.

[utah1mama]

you are not alone!!

[tillyh345]

I lost my mum when I was 18 and she was 34, i have 3 siblings and we are quite close, but dont live in each others pockets. I have a MIL but not sure its because I lost my mum so young but have never felt very close to her. Lost FIL 15 years ago and he was lovely. Have had MIL for xmas day a couple of times since then but she did my head in, because wanted the red carpet treatment never lifted a finger from the time she put her slippers on (grrr) to the time she left. So now in the last few years Christmas Day is me my husband and our two sons 22,28. Until they get serious girlfriends that is the way it will stay. Xm,as is about spending quality time with the ones you love. Dont feel guilty at all. You reap what you sow! I wudnt expect my sons to have me every year, they wud have their own lives and family.

[China Doll]

Last year I went to australia to escape the hassle of christmas, this year work is the excuse! There's really only the man hostage I wish to spend it with and I've been clear with my mother and father (divorced and both with new spouses) that I won't be trapsing all over the place seeing everyone, if my sisters were closer or one of them had kids then that might be different but right now it doesn't have quite the same feeling. I'm excited to spend it with the man hostage though and am looking forward to that.