Need to speak to my son about him possibly having Aspergers

[annie0000]

We have an appointment with the psychologist on Wednesday to discuss my 10 year old son potentially being diagnosed with High Functioning Aspergers. Still on the fence regarding whether he has it or not. My view is that he may have it but the issue is more around him losing confidence after a prolonged period of bullying. The school psychologists report makes him sound like he is extremely rigid in his behaviour and has no sense of humour and never smiles. I obviously cannot comment on his behaviour at school, but that is certainly not the boy that I know at home. She also neglects to mention anything about the bullying - like the school, she seems to want to deny that it happened. We have previously explained to my son that we were speaking to some people to see if we could get him some help to be a bit more confident and he is happy with this. However, spoke to the psychologist that we will be seeing on the phone today and he would like us to tell him that he may have Aspergers before we see him on Wednesday as he doesn't want that to come as a surprise if it comes up during the chat. Not to sure that I want to worry him about something that may not be right. Bit unsure what to do now. :o(

[boxtops]

Would your son know what you mean if you say he has Aspergers? If you have to tell him before the appointment, can you say something like - "you know we're trying to make you well and happy at school, if the doctor says you may have Aspergers, that just means the way you behave in the schoool, and if this is what you do have, then this will be good as it means that you can get help"? The withdrawal the school describes could well be to do with bullying but it could also be to do with the need to keep a tight control on their environment which Aspergers brings. I know two young guys with the diagnosis and now their behaviour can be explained, it's much easier to interact with them and they are supported in it.
Let us know how you get on.

[Bummle]

I do feel for you. A psychologist informally suggested to me once that my son might hav High Functioning Aspergers (which was very unprofessional if you ask me!). I worried for years whether I should get him referred for a formal diagnosis. He had no friends at primary school or secondary school an was bullied to some extent though perhaps no as badly as your son but I did read the riot act to the head teacher and told her that they had better do something to meet their bullying policy and no just pay lip sevice to it. In the end, I never did have him referred and then he went to university where he discovered there were "lots of people just like me" and he blossomed and made plenty of good long-term friends. Now he has moved much further away and had to start again in his new job and though he was lonely at first he soon found a group of people he really gets on with. I'm glad I did nothing abou it because with hindsight I think it would have rocked the little confidence he had and would have made him feel even more that HE was the problem, not the morons who were bullying him or even just giving him the cold shoulder.

[emmie]

I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell him, he might be in a very unhappy place at the school. And perhaps his reaction to the bullying is to shut down. If he isn't like it at home, then maybe the problem is centered around the school. I have had counselling, and though it wasn't for this type of problem, the psychologists can be variable in their opinions, diagnosis. Does you son understand about who you will be seeing, and what it is for.

[venator]

It sounds like the psychologist is trying to avoid a difficulty which he should be able to deal with.
If your son goes to the interview with the word "asbergers" hanging over him, it could modify his behaviour in the interview.

[emmie]

Most adults don't know what aspergers syndrome is, let alone children.
In much the same way that someone may say they have depression, but there are endless variations on mental health issues. I can only speak from experience of the people i have met, and so often the approach and difference of opinion and made me wonder if any of them actually helped.
You know your child, make a judgement on that.

[LoftyLottie]

Whilst I would agree that Aspergers is a very real condition, I am of the opinion that it has been too easy to diagnose kids who don't conform to the norm at school with this, that or the other! It is easier to do that that to structure teaching, deal with bullying, etc. than actually take time to understand the child.

Annie, it is possible that school and the school regime just doesn't suit him - it is not for everyone.

Personally, I would wait until he goes to secondary school and see how things develop. I worked in schools for years (not a teacher) and can honestly say that primary schools are the worst offenders for expectly all children to follow 'normal' patterns.

Good luck. I certainly wouldn't mention aspergers to your child. He is too young and I would tell the psychologist that you want the work avoided in your son's presence. I think you have to take some sort of control here. Nobody knows your son as well as you do. Stick to your guns.

Lottie x

[LoftyLottie]

In other words I agree with most of the others on this. I wouldn't even take him to the psychologist to be honest!!

[flip_flop]

This labelling mentality really gets up my nose.

When my daughter was four (4!) her nursery suggested to us she might have Aspergers because she liked to play imaginatively on her own, likeed to do things in a set order, was reluctant to join in group with activities, was shy plus some other things that are even more too trivial to remember.

Now, aside from the fact that it is not within the remit of glorified babysitters to suggest such a 'diagnosis', the 'symptoms' they described are present in me, her mother, her grandparents, her aunts, uncles and cousins....in fact pretty much everybody I know displays some or all of the symptoms they flagged up.

However, this was our first child, so this suggestion from 'professionals' worried us and we did a lot of research. I'm not talking a cursory 10 minute Google search - we have more than a dozen books on this syndrome and I consider myself to be a very well informed amateur.

As a result of this 'diagnosis' from the nursery she was put on the SEN register at her primary school. Fortunately, her teachers in year 1 and 2 are very experienced teachers and they've dismissed the label out of hand and she has been removed from the SEN register (incidentally, I understand schools get extra money for their SEN kids, so the cynic in me..............)

The rush to label children is wrong - if a kid is a bit naughty, they have ADHD, if they struggle to read, they are dyslexic, if they display certain traits, they have Aspergers.

My advice would be pretty much the same as Bummle's. Don't say anything and cancel the appointment with the psychologist because I strongly believe there are loads of kids out there who have been diagnosed with this 'syndrome' wrongly/uneccessarily (frankly, I'm sceptical it even exists).

[LoftyLottie]

Flip flop. I agree with you completely, but I do know a couple of people with aspergers and it does exist.

My own son didn't fit the mould at school. Quite honestly, I think he would have been far better educated at home with me. He wasn't anti social, just a person who didn't conform to what children are meant to be like. He still is very much his own person, has plenty of friends and good job and is a very well liked young man. Going to the right secondary school was the making of him.

[LoftyLottie]

Also flip flop my son falls under the umbrella of dyslexia which the primary school did not recognise. Like you I spent hours and hours of research and with the right specialise it was acknowledged that he actually did have a problem and dark blue glasses when reading totally solved it. It is a condition which means there is a problem between brain and eyes and is linked to migraine. The poor boy was trying to read with green and black dots floating around and words becoming totally distorted.

Not the lazy day dreamer that primary school would have us believe!!

[annie0000]

Thanks for all your help and input. We will keep the appointment, we have been seeking some help for him in terms of increasing his confidence after the bullying for a couple of years now. Turns out that the psychologist is the parent of a friend of my younger son but we don't really know him that well. He indicated when we were on the phone that regardless of a diagnosis he would be able to offer some support with this and also some strategies to help him cope with school life. His problem is more social, his behaviour and school work are impecable. He does have a few close friends and goes to lots of out of school activities but can at times look like a fish out of water but it doesn't stop hime going. I'd just love him to be a bit more outgoing - like he used to be. I don't think we'll mention aspergers. I'll let you know how we get on.

[Bummle]

I was interested to come home and read all the other postings. Just as an aside, and seeing you describe your son's schoolwork as impeccable, you may be interested to know that my son was diagnosed as dyslexic at the end of his first year of university and given appropriate assistance (e.g a little longer in exams etc). Nobody picked up on it before that as there were no obvious signs - his spelling is better than his non-dyslexic wee brother's! His main problem is in processing information despite the fact that he is highly intelligent. Do make sure to rule out anything like this which may make him feel distant or different from others in his class. I was gutted to find out my 20 year old had needed help we never knew we could have given him

[annie0000]

Thanks again Bummie - He is well over 3 years ahead of his age in Reading although he isn't as far head as he feels he should be in Maths so he finds that frustrating - he struggles with his times tables although he understands all the maths concepts and this slows him down - he is still in the top group but just not steaming ahead. Tbh I struggle with that myself - my arithmetic is not brilliant but I did really well in other elements of maths (top 10 in the school - but can't tell you what 8 x6 is without a big think or a calculator), Though discalculia (sp?) might be a consideration.

Anyway, we spoke to him earlier about the appointment and asked him whether he still wanted to see of we could get him a bit of help with his confidence and he said yes. We didn't mention Aspergers but said not to be surprised at anything the man might say as he might have lots of ideas and may even know other people who feel the same way about things that he does. We asked him to have a wee think about things that he likes and enjoys and feels comfortable with and things that he doesn't so that he is prepared a bit for any questions. We'll just need to see how it goes, hopefully he will speak to the psychologist.

Looking back over some of the posts again now that I have a bit more time. He has one more year in Primary before high school and luckily is getting the same teacher as last year. This is the only male teacher in the school and he has taken a strong stance and come down heavy on any bullying incidents - this has given my son a lot of comfort and as he is a young guy, he is not so removed from what young boys are capable of as some of the older women teachers he has had. It is nice to hear that the prospects could be better for him in High School and further on. I do think that the contrast between school and home is about control and for me is directly related to the bullying. However, over his childhood we have intermittently returned t

[annie0000]

to suspecting that he may have some form of Autism/Aspergers, but as it wasn't causing him any problems, we never felt the need to go down a diagnosis route. There were always as may things that didn't fit as did.

I think he will continue to paddle his own canoe and will be fine as an adult, we just have to carefully steer him through his remaining childhood years and hopefully get him there unscathed.

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and help, I do appreciate it.

[China Doll]

How did the appt go?

[annie0000]

Hi China. The appointment went well. The psychologists view is that my son definitely has some traits that would point to aspergers but that as they are not displayed across all environments (i.e. mainly school) he feels that there would be little to gain by going down a formal assessment process which is likely to be inconclusive or at best borderline. He feels the best way to progress would be for him to give the school some ways of handling some of the rigid behaviours he displays there and to try to get him to become more relaxed at school.

We are happy with this, my son is getting the same teacher next year and this guy has a bond with him and my son really likes him too. The teacher came down hard on the boys who had been bullying my son as he caught them in the act. My son knows this and I think feels more protected now and there have not been any further incidents.

He is certainly more relaxed at home. I think he will always have some idiosyncracies, but then who hasn't?! He is quiet and shy but that is something that he will likely grow out of to an extent with support....and if he doesn't then "so what?".

I think that he is actually "differently normal" if that makes sense. His school probably has more than their fair share of wilder children and I think that has become the accepted norm there. The much smaller proportion of quieter more studious kids tend to fall through the cracks I think as they don't really know what to do with them. High school may be better for him where his particular talents can be focused on more and hopefully grow his self esteem and resilience.

[China Doll]

Awwww, that all sounds quite promising actually. I think secondary might be better for him as it's generally a more rigid type of learning enviroment anyway (timetables for classes and all that). I had visions of you coming back frothing at the mouth ;0)

[annie0000]

lol - it was quite strange as you suddenly become really aware of what you say and how you say it and what your body language is like. All the time you are sitting there thinking, "I bet this guy thinks "no wonder the kid is loopy - look at the parents!"" He was nice though - he actually only lives a few streets away, his son is a friend of my younger son and his step daughter is in my elder son's class! He said if I had any questions or anything just to mug him in the playground!! He had a trainee with him who reckons my boy could be the world champion at the "yes/No" game - he never gives a straight answer!!

[China Doll]

Surely not giving a straight answer is a teenage thing... he's not far off... ;0)

I work with some of the paediatric psychology team as one of my docs deals with chronic fatigue patients, most of them are really lovely.... although there's the odd one or two that I wouldn't take a plant to let alone a child! (Mind you, I suspect they're still learning).

[Bummle]

Very glad to hear the appointment went well and that your son hasn't been pigeonholed - it sounds like you have been able to draw a great deal of reassurance from it and I feel certain that with such a supportive and loving mum, your son will do well and find his own strong place in his society.