ChatterBank1 min ago
I'm at my wits end with 17 year old son
What can I do about my 17 year old son who seems to think the world owes him a living?He's presently at college doing an ICT course,the OH and I went to open evening last night and son is not doing very well,he forgets to hand in assignments and is totally unenthusiastic about what he is doing.He's a bright lad and I know if he put his mind to it he could do well but he just seems to do the bare minimum to get by.We keep saying he should try to find himself a weekend/evening job and have even cut back on his money to encourage him but he "can't be bothered".All he seems to want to do is play on his computer and stay up 'til all hours.Both his dad and I have always worked and we are finding it hard to look at things from his point of view.It has caused huge rows and I would be grateful for some impartial input!
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Can't really offer any to be honest. My then 19 year old daughter was like that, except she didn't even bother attempting the college route. She stayed in bed all day and didn't bother to look for a job either.
In the end I snapped, I told her she'd a month to either get a job or be seen to be actively looking for one. She must have thought I was joking, as once again she did neither, so I did the ultimate betrayal- i threw her out. She had to doss down on a mates sofa (her dad wouldn't take her either) till she manged to get a house to rent. Sometimes you have to be tough i'm afraid.
In the end I snapped, I told her she'd a month to either get a job or be seen to be actively looking for one. She must have thought I was joking, as once again she did neither, so I did the ultimate betrayal- i threw her out. She had to doss down on a mates sofa (her dad wouldn't take her either) till she manged to get a house to rent. Sometimes you have to be tough i'm afraid.
It's not much comfort, but it's called adolescence - and all youngsters go through it to varying degrees.
Speaking as someone who threw his step-daughter out of the house at sixteen because she was that badly behaved, I sympathise entirely, but all is not lost.
Your son is feeling confused and hostile because he is living through changes he doesn't understand, in a world that appears not to understand him. It's really hard to sympathise with someone who is virtually an adult, behaving like an irresponsible child, but there are strategeis that help.
Try and spend some individual time with him - go to the pictures, or bowling, something he will enjoy - and if he rebuffs your first invite, try again. Go for a burger, somewhere on neatrual ground where tempers are kept more easily, and talk to him.
Tell him you understand that life feelis impossible, but you are on his side, and will be there to help him through it all. Ask if is he unhappy with his course, and if he feels a change would be better. Ttry and get him to tell you about how he really feels, when he is not hiding behind bluster and confrontation.
At all costs avoid the 'When I was your age I had to ...' - that kind of statement is designed to make you feel better, it will simply make him feel alienated.
You cannot be your son's friend, but you can be his support, and you need to get that over to him. Tell him that the rows you have hurt you, as well as him, and you want everyone to get on. Include that life is not a free ride, and he has to contribute, not because you are mean or unfair, but because that is the way the world turns, and he might as well learn it at home with you who love him, rather than the bigger world, without your tolerance and care.
Hopefully channels of dialogue will replace some of the rows, but if you show him that you are not trying to rule or control him, but to help and support him, yoiu may well find he understands better and starts to meet you half way with some better nehaviour.
It takes time, and patience, but it can be done - trust me I know.
Keep us posted, and remember, there is always support on here from other parents who know just how you feel!
Speaking as someone who threw his step-daughter out of the house at sixteen because she was that badly behaved, I sympathise entirely, but all is not lost.
Your son is feeling confused and hostile because he is living through changes he doesn't understand, in a world that appears not to understand him. It's really hard to sympathise with someone who is virtually an adult, behaving like an irresponsible child, but there are strategeis that help.
Try and spend some individual time with him - go to the pictures, or bowling, something he will enjoy - and if he rebuffs your first invite, try again. Go for a burger, somewhere on neatrual ground where tempers are kept more easily, and talk to him.
Tell him you understand that life feelis impossible, but you are on his side, and will be there to help him through it all. Ask if is he unhappy with his course, and if he feels a change would be better. Ttry and get him to tell you about how he really feels, when he is not hiding behind bluster and confrontation.
At all costs avoid the 'When I was your age I had to ...' - that kind of statement is designed to make you feel better, it will simply make him feel alienated.
You cannot be your son's friend, but you can be his support, and you need to get that over to him. Tell him that the rows you have hurt you, as well as him, and you want everyone to get on. Include that life is not a free ride, and he has to contribute, not because you are mean or unfair, but because that is the way the world turns, and he might as well learn it at home with you who love him, rather than the bigger world, without your tolerance and care.
Hopefully channels of dialogue will replace some of the rows, but if you show him that you are not trying to rule or control him, but to help and support him, yoiu may well find he understands better and starts to meet you half way with some better nehaviour.
It takes time, and patience, but it can be done - trust me I know.
Keep us posted, and remember, there is always support on here from other parents who know just how you feel!
You mention 'cut back on his money'. I presume this is pocket money given by you. Personally, I don't believe a 17 year old should be given pocket money. You feed him, obviously clothe him and provide a roof over his head, and probably provide transport for his. If he wants anything extra moneywise I think he should be earning it. He is no different from a lot of 17 year old boys (I had one - who is now 28 and doing just fine), but he needs a shove. My son worked in the local coop from the age of 16 at the weekends - I never gave him any 'pocket money'.
Thanks for everyones advice.With regard to the college course, this really is last chance saloon as he changed courses last year as he wasn't getting on with it and in the end started bunking off,he has assured us that this is really what he wants to do,we just wish he would show some enthusiasm for it.I don't give him pocket money,he gets fed and thats about it,I have told him if he wants new clothes or anything he will have to buy them out of his Christmas/birthday money.
I can give you my take on it, if it's any help.
First off you must recall being that age, the behaviour you describe is not atypical. That knowledge may not help to get you to a solution, but it may help to realise you are experiencing nothing out of the ordinary.
He seems to be in a bad frame of mind given the forgotten assignments and such like. I can only suggest when you next speak to him you ask what he hopes to get out of college and his plans for the future. Encourage him to give his thoughts, his hopes as opposed to telling him what you think he should be doing. And casually ask whether he feels the reaction he has to college isn't going to spoil things for him. Of course in a friendly, requesting manner, rather than any judgemental way. He may just admit to himself and you that he hasn't got things together, which would be a start. If he is as bright as you believe then the chances are good that, if he could just 'get his mind together', he'd want to face the challenges and prove himself.
My personal opinion about getting a job whilst at college has always been that if I am studying as much as I need to, then I have no spare time, it all goes on learning and relaxing ready for the next day. (I really don't know how US students cope, where working your way through collge seems to be the norm; I can only assume their workload is minimal.) I appreciate it isn't my decision, and maybe different folk feel differently about it, but I'd leave off the, "get a job" bit were I you. If he were in part time education then that might be different.
Ah computers. Both blessing and bane of my life too. One can get hooked on one enjoyable thing and become addicted to it. Again it is better if you can steer him to make his own conclusion that he needs to make a change, no matter how much the comfort of the familiar pastime calls to him. I know, to an extent, I have a similar problem with spending too much time on the PC, but it is a state of mind. One needs to find something else that will interest instead; and not keep him up until "all hours". But again he needs to see for himself that he has to make the effort.
I don't know how your discussions have gone so far, but I am certain rows do not help as they entrench the 2 positions, and both side tends to get more extreme. But I think the best you can hope for is to make suggestions and give encouragement.
Apart from that, the very best of luck to you.
First off you must recall being that age, the behaviour you describe is not atypical. That knowledge may not help to get you to a solution, but it may help to realise you are experiencing nothing out of the ordinary.
He seems to be in a bad frame of mind given the forgotten assignments and such like. I can only suggest when you next speak to him you ask what he hopes to get out of college and his plans for the future. Encourage him to give his thoughts, his hopes as opposed to telling him what you think he should be doing. And casually ask whether he feels the reaction he has to college isn't going to spoil things for him. Of course in a friendly, requesting manner, rather than any judgemental way. He may just admit to himself and you that he hasn't got things together, which would be a start. If he is as bright as you believe then the chances are good that, if he could just 'get his mind together', he'd want to face the challenges and prove himself.
My personal opinion about getting a job whilst at college has always been that if I am studying as much as I need to, then I have no spare time, it all goes on learning and relaxing ready for the next day. (I really don't know how US students cope, where working your way through collge seems to be the norm; I can only assume their workload is minimal.) I appreciate it isn't my decision, and maybe different folk feel differently about it, but I'd leave off the, "get a job" bit were I you. If he were in part time education then that might be different.
Ah computers. Both blessing and bane of my life too. One can get hooked on one enjoyable thing and become addicted to it. Again it is better if you can steer him to make his own conclusion that he needs to make a change, no matter how much the comfort of the familiar pastime calls to him. I know, to an extent, I have a similar problem with spending too much time on the PC, but it is a state of mind. One needs to find something else that will interest instead; and not keep him up until "all hours". But again he needs to see for himself that he has to make the effort.
I don't know how your discussions have gone so far, but I am certain rows do not help as they entrench the 2 positions, and both side tends to get more extreme. But I think the best you can hope for is to make suggestions and give encouragement.
Apart from that, the very best of luck to you.
Oh right, of course, I've just recalled that these days a tight fisted government have pulled the grant gangplank back up after them. That considered, I'm unsure I agree with a 17 year old in full time education not being given pocket money. It seems to me that anyone in full time activity should have a little "income" to spend on themselves, and unfortunately it seems that falls to the parents these days.
Oh Nicksmum I trulty sympathise. My twin boys decided to take a gap year after school so were late uni starters. Both admitted they wanted to go to university for the fun experience rather than with any real thought about it leading to future careers. By the time they finish they will be going on 25 with no permanent career records (they do both work part-time in retail/bars). They seem to be enjoying their courses and doing OK but because they're at uni pay no 'housekeeping' to me despite spending all the holidays and many weekends at home. So in a house of 4 adults, only one (me - their father's retired), is working to keep the rest going.
I know several families where the adult 'children' expect to be kept by their parents, who are struggling economically as we all are. It's easy to say 'chuck them out' but we're not all made of such strong stuff.
I know several families where the adult 'children' expect to be kept by their parents, who are struggling economically as we all are. It's easy to say 'chuck them out' but we're not all made of such strong stuff.
To try and encourage him to get a job we stopped giving him money,he gets fed and thats about it now.I can't understand his attitude as he has a steady girlfriend but they never go out anywhere as he has no money.He even sees his 16 year old brother work occasionally and the joy his own money brings but the message doesn't seem to get through.
It's the modern system suechu. Government wanted to boast of numbers/percentages taking further education, so many who would previously have looked for paid employment delay that and have a 'good time' at college/uni instead. And why not if it is offered ? But the trouble is funding them all, which largely falls on the parents, and on loans. But I guess that's a different issue to nicksmum's, as you say.
oK, i get you now Nicksmum. Well in that case you're doing absolutely the right thing. I would absolutely emphasise that once he leaves college he gets a job, ANY job if necessary, till the right one in IT comes along. My local council take on staff for a 'temporary register' staff bank and many young people get a foothold into working in this way - something to try? They take many students who only work holidays. I suppose from his point of view, what with the computer and the girlfriend, he's got everything he wants and feels that while he's at college he's doing enough. I would take the step of enforcing a computer curfew - 11pm and it's off or it is removed from his room and no arguments.
at least your son is in college :)
my 17 y.o.nephew is exactly the same, except he left college because "it was too cold to go on his moped" So now he has done nothing for around a year. his parents bought him a car (why? - he doesn't have anywhere to go) he treats his mum like utter Sugar, yet she carries on giving him petrol money etc despite the fact they are no longer getting child benefit for him. it's not like he even tries to get a job. My friend tells me it's much harder for young people to get a job nowadays than it was when we were that age (for example, saturday jobs are becoming much less available, because shops just employ two sets of part time people, and they cover the weekends between them. Personally i would believe it more if he actually wore out some shoe leather looking
my 17 y.o.nephew is exactly the same, except he left college because "it was too cold to go on his moped" So now he has done nothing for around a year. his parents bought him a car (why? - he doesn't have anywhere to go) he treats his mum like utter Sugar, yet she carries on giving him petrol money etc despite the fact they are no longer getting child benefit for him. it's not like he even tries to get a job. My friend tells me it's much harder for young people to get a job nowadays than it was when we were that age (for example, saturday jobs are becoming much less available, because shops just employ two sets of part time people, and they cover the weekends between them. Personally i would believe it more if he actually wore out some shoe leather looking
Have you considered cutting off his internet ?
I am quite serious, if very computer un-literate.
I say this because a friend of mine had similar troubles with her son . She eventually really monitored what he was doing and it turned out he was up most of the night playing internet games.
She stopped her broadband contract and got herself a dongle which she carried in her handbag .
As I said I am not computer-literate, so words like 'dongle' are just words to me, but she told me that this way she could access the internet but he could not.
It made a huge difference to their lives as he actually slept at night and not (so much) during the day.
It is a difficult time...
I am quite serious, if very computer un-literate.
I say this because a friend of mine had similar troubles with her son . She eventually really monitored what he was doing and it turned out he was up most of the night playing internet games.
She stopped her broadband contract and got herself a dongle which she carried in her handbag .
As I said I am not computer-literate, so words like 'dongle' are just words to me, but she told me that this way she could access the internet but he could not.
It made a huge difference to their lives as he actually slept at night and not (so much) during the day.
It is a difficult time...
A bit of tough love is order here nicksmum!......wont't be easy, he'll hate you for a while!.....I would stop him using the internet, password the router, give him no money, only feed him really cheap boring food!....that's what his life would be like if he was fending for himself, maybe even worse!......stick to your guns!...........tell him to shape up or ship out!..........
