16 year old teenage girl

[Witts end]

My 16 year old daughter left home after I refused to let her go to a nightclub with an 18 year old girl and her mother.

She has been advised by a connexions adviser that they will find accommodation and get all her expenses paid. I do not even know where she is. Being worried sick I called the police and was informed that she was safe and well and that they did not have to inform me as to where she is!!

Apparently as a parent I have no rights whatsoever and it would appear that once a child reaches 16 they can more or less do what they like!

[dmsjps]

I don't know what to say, the world has gone barmy!

 

I'm so sorry I can't help you. I really feel for you because it must be terrible, but it seems they can do anything they want these days and how are they supposed to grow up to respect and care for other people if we're not allowed to even teach them how to do it? They think they have all this power now, but where will it get them when they don't know what they're doing? I was certainly green and gullible at 16. They say they're not so much now, but that's the kids who've grown up streetwise because they've have to; what about the ones who've been loved and cared for?

 

Hopefully your daughter will come to her senses soon. Please let me know how things go.

[OBonio]

A friend of mine had this same problem. Absolutely nothing could be done. It's a very sad state of affairs. Saying that, my mum left home at 16 and she's turned out ok.

[lethologica]

From experience I can say that they certainly like to think they can.

Goodluck with her, I'd have loved to have moved out when I turned 16, but I'm at uni now and would never have got this far without my parents help and shelter.

[trionam]

thats madness how can she afford to move out? who are these people paying her expenses I'm not familiar with this but I would have thought such help should only exist for children who come from broken homes etc not for 16 year olds who didnt get their own way and have a perfectly good home. I'm sure it wont be all easy for her and when she realises that its a struggle living on her own at 16 she will come to her senses.good luck.

[Witts end]

Thanks.  From what I understand the government will allow my daughter to claim benefits. I do not even know where my daughter is. I reported her missing to the police and was informed that they had spoken to her and that she is safe and well. When I asked where she was I was told that she does not want me to know!!!

I fully agree with the Children's Act that was brought in to protect children "at risk" but my daughter has a lovely home and is loved very much. Her reason for leaving is that she will not do as she is told. I gave her an inch and she wanted more. So now I have to take a back seat.

It is no wonder that society is in the state that it is in. I feel sorry for the people having children now as they don't stand a chance against a teenager who "knows their rights".

[sam82]

i done the same sort of thing but was 19. im now 23 and back home living doing very well good job as a quantity surveyor and part time at uni. so things do work out.

but when i left after 6months i really wanted to come home but i felt like i had to do this for my parents to let me stand on my own 2 feet.. i lasted 3 years only because i was too proud!

Ur daughter is still young tho, just if you can let her know if this is her decision so be it but be there for her when things go wrong, let her know that your there for her, my mum just put me down all the time, not meaningly she just cared and i felt i couldnt go home, it took me 3 years and my brother helped me heal the rift with my parents, i was lucky to have him as i couldnt approach my parents as i didnt want them to know i had failed and they where right all along.

 

hope things work out, i have never been close to my mum but over the last 2 years i couldnt be without her.

[Witts end]

Thanks Sam. Thats quite ironic because my daughter is called Sam!!!!

The trouble with her is I know she is very stubborn and will not admit to her mother that she was wrong even if she wanted to!

She hasn't contacted me at all which cuts straight to the quick. No matter what she has done over the last three years (and that has been plenty!) I have told her that I will always be there for her. I doubt very much she will accept this and I will wait and see if I have to pick up the pieces. The annoying thing with this is I have to put my life on hold. I was hoping to emigrate next year.

[Solarjunkie]

I feel for your problem - but I understand a youngster in foster care is only with a family up to the age of 16, after that they are put in a flat and supposed to look after themselves. The point being, 16 is adult, old enough to marry etc, legally speaking. Not old enough as far as parents are concerned.

[Witts end]

I appreciate what you are saying but my daughter behaves like a spoilt child and this all happened because she couldnt get her own way. She doesnt know how to cook, do washing or cleaning come to that. She has no idea about financial responsibilities and all she wants to do is what she wants and blow the consequences!

 

We have a government that advocate family values when all they are doing at the end of the day is tearing families apart and filling 16 year olds heads with garbage!!

[shivvy]

Hi Witts end.  I have worked with young people living away from home for many years and I truely understand that this is hard for you.  Much of my work has been advocating for young people when they feel that they do not have a voice so although I do not know Sam perhaps I could respond to a few points from a young persons perspective.  All of your postings to this site talk about how difficult this situation is for you.  Moving out of home, relying on strangers for support, living without parents in a flat or hostel and having no financial or lifeskills is really tough. 

It is a worry that you have concerns about a child knowing their rights.  It is not that long ago that young people barely had any rights (nevermind knowing about them) and if they left home they were left to fend for themselves with very little support.  It would be a worse situation if Sam had left home and there were no services to help her out with somewhere safe to stay, money to buy food and clothes etc.   I have worked with young people like this for years and they have very troubled lives.

Often in family conflict situations a lack of understanding and communication between kids and parents can cause major rifts.  Have you tried seeing things from her side?  You say that your daughter has a lovely home and is loved very much.  But she is very clearly making a choice not to be there.  Those two things don't match up in my mind - does it make sense to you?

You say that she is spoilt and stubborn - is that entirely and exclusively her fault?  How did she become spoilt?

I hope that this will help you to see things from a different perspective and not as a finger-wagging tirade, and I truely hope that you and your family get some kind of resolution to this distressing situation as soon as possible.

[Witts end]

You are absolutely right you do not know Sam. I do know how she feels and the psychology of it is that she has a womans body but a child's mind.

I also have a son who is nearly 18 and he hasn't been one bit of bother so please do not blame the parents. People need to look further than that. I have got psychiatric help for my daughter who threw it back in my face.

She has been to the house this afternoon blinding drunk (very mature and adult like) (oh and by the way I dont drink so I cant be blamed for that one).

She smokes, has taken drugs, has been violent towards me, verbally abusive, expelled from school, theft, underage sex and not forgetting the ABH. The fact of the matter is she wants to do what she wants when she wants. I have ALWAYS told my daughter that I want to be a friend as well as a mother. I even offered to take her to get her put on the pill!

People are all too quick to blame the parents but surely as an adult (supposedly at 16!) she should behave more responsibly. I am a professional person with high morals and standards which I thought I could pass on to my daughter. Perhaps that is wrong too!.

Communication is a two way thing and obviously does not work when it is one sided.

[Witts end]

I also think you are missing the point I am trying to make. The Children's Act was brought in to protect children (I totally agree with that) having worked with abused children.  I also appreciate that it is difficult for a teenager to leave home but the circumstances here are not ones of abuse, far from it. This is one of defiance. What would you have said if you 16 year old daughter wanted to go nightclubbing? Pay tell me I should have said yes?

[dmsjps]

Hello again Witts end, I'm sorry to hear that things haven't improved yet. I think that you can rest assured they will in the end because your daughter is obviously very loved and cared for. She probably sees all this as a big adventure at the moment, but she'll be sorely disappointed.

It's so hard for parents these days and the only thing you have on your side is your love for your child. In the meantime they can use and abuse you - and themselves - any way they want and all you can do is wait for the day they finally grow up.

I too am in a similar situation to you, although my daughter is several years younger that yours, at 14. My son is 17 and has always cared about my feelings as much as I care for his. He would never say the things that my daughter does (e.g. f*** off) just because he has to live by the same rules as the rest of the family. We have always let each other know where we will be, when we will be back, etc, etc, but our daughter doesn't like that. We have also always said please and thank you when we want something from another person, but she has decided she doesn't want to do that either, which in turn leads to massive tantrums when we say no because she can't ask properly.

I really feel for you because I can see my daughter going along the same route as yours has and we as parents can do nothing about it.

[shivvy]

I think I may have mistaken your original post to this site Witts end.  When I saw that this site was called the ANSWERBANK it suggested to me that people who posted a question were looking for an answer.  You seem more keen to prove a point or have a rant rather than look for a solution. 

If you look back at my response you will find that I was merely suggesting that it might be useful to look at things from a different angle as it is hard to be objective when you are stuck in the middle of a problem.  I was trying to give you an idea of how young people in Sams position have told me they feel when they are in a similar situation.

Your response is quite aggressive and clearly you are not interested in others opinions if they differ from your own.  Perhaps this is part of the problem.

One last point that I would ask you to consider is that nearly every young woman I have worked with has said that she wanted her Mum to be a Mum and not a friend.  They say that they already have or can find their own friends.

As mentioned in my last post, I wish you all the best in the future and hope that everything works out so that you can all move forward.