Mum threatened by Dad's role

[marion29]

My son and daughter-in-law, who are both disabled and age 21, had a healthy and "normal" baby boy 7 months ago.My son can walk with difficulty, he has Cerebral Palsy, but his wife is more severly disabled with Spina Bifida and a wheelchair user. The pregnancy was extremely difficult for her and she was in hospital a lot and very weak after the planned Ceasarian. They have struggled to cope, but things are gradually improving, so I was a little surprised when my son said yesterday, his wife was feeling threatened by his involvement with the baby. He is still at University but only attends classes for a short amount of weekly time, so he is based at home a lot. He also runs the household, shopping ,finances, cleaning etc. There are obviously things she will be able to do with her son and she is finding this hard to accept. She was also fostered, then adopted around 18-24 months and  she is not used to seeing a Dad play such an active role, but my son said she is getting very stressed about this. Any advice as they look to me and my husband for advice, help and support.

[callisto]

marion you obviously love your family very much and have been the anchor to their relationship i do feel out of my depth with this question though but felt obliged to answer asyou seemed in need , i think outside help is the key your daughter in law seems to have bonded really well with the baby and has now found love that was neglected from in her childhood ( bloodline feelings and emotions ) it maybe delayed depression being taken out on your son , stay loyal to both , ask for help from gp or health visitor , rest assured though there are peopleout there who have been in this situation and it will get better stay strong and lol let us know how things go x

[Emily Ball]

Like callisto i'm no expert Marion, unless having had three children of my own qualifies me! Considering his disability it sounds like your son is doing a great job. In all probability his wife feels very frustrated she can't be so 'hands-on' with the baby. But I daresay there are some things she can do which make her feel more of a 'proper mum '. Your son will know what these are and maybe he should try a subtle approach and tell her , for instance, that she's so much better than he is at getting the baby off to sleep or feeding him, or whatever. No mother likes to see that someone else can care for her baby better than she can, and I would guess that it is especially hard for someone who has had such a difficult pregnancy and birth experience. In time she will adjust to her limitations but at the moment she is obviously feeling marginalised because your son does the lion's share.    

[marion29]

Thank you Callisto and Emily for your welcome answers, you both offered something for me to think about. My son is far from subtle as a person,so that is defintely something that could be worked on! Polly did suffer post natal depression, which is not surprising and though I imagined it had subsided, as I don't live near them,it probably hasn't. Polly finds it difficult to ask for help and to bond with people and I have found it difficult to get to know her. She is close to her Mum(adopted)but she's a teacher and has foster children and can be "just get on with it" sort of person. But I think since the pregnancy and their marriage in Feb 2004,I have grown closer to her, so hopefully she will find it easier to talk to me.I'm an Irish, talkative, people and emotional person, but Polly has said I'm better with the baby than her Mum and she's love us to live closer to them!