to have kids or not....Pros and cons

[Minnesota]

My husband and I were recently married and now are considering whether to have children or not.

We have a friend that tells us daily how awful it is, and that we shouldn't do it cause it will ruin your life. He sends us links to prove that children are a big cause of divorce and that he is not the only one that thinks this, just the only one that will speak the truth.

Soooooooo I have come here to find the real truth :)

[Laura-sakura]

Ummm... I don't have any kids myself but I really think a big decision such as that should be up to you and your husband, why is your friend so obsessed with your life? I always imagined choosing to have children was a feeling you both get if you are in a stable loving relationship. After all, the only reason we are on this planet is to reproduce...

[woofgang]

IMHO you should have kids because you and your partner really really want to. We don't have kids and that's not by choice. We are very happy and I wouldn't change a thing. My sis has two children who are now adults, happily married and she wouldn't change a thing either..... btw I don't think that reproduction is the only thing that we are here for.

[andyjevs]

I have a 7 year old daught plus two older step daughters and having kids around just brightens my day....every day. Of course kids are a big commitment both finnancially and emotionally but the pros far outweigh the cons. Unfortunately, kids don't come with instruction manuals and everyone has a different approach to bring them up. My advice would be to love them dearly and show them you love them, treat them as an equal when you talk to them but make firm boundaries and enjoy every waking minute of it. Have fun with the kids because they will be grown up in no time and when they get to that age, they wont want to be hanging around with their olds. Go for it !!!

[mycatis]

I cant imagine my life without my son, I think if you go into it with the right attitude then it is amazing. My son and I play swordfight in the street and do all sorts of stupid stuff. I am own my own with my son (I had him at 18 and left his father 2 years later) and I really think that it would be amazing to be married with kids, can you imagine both of you loving each other even more because you have made this little person, who you both adore and who is part of both of you? If you can then I think you know the answer. Good luck whatever you decide. (hope this helps not sure if it will lol )

[lady_p_gold]

Well if it ruins your life a hell of a lot of people are gluttons for punishment!  It changes your life totally and can put a strain on relationships, but it can also strengthen a good one.    You will never know until you try.   And the depth of love and selflessness which most people experience may give you hope for humanity.    Is your friend divorced by any chance ? Sounds like a bit of bitterness going on there.   And ... if you ever hit rocky ground and got divorced for any reason, your children will still be there making a contribution to both your lives and hopefully making their way in the world.

[shehin]

My children have changed my life completely.  They are a constant source of joy to me, yes hard work, yes very expensive, but well worth every penny.  I wouldn't change my life with them for all the money in the world.

[Jules001]

I have two children aged 13 and 17 and could not imagine how my life would have been and would continue being if I didn't have them, but then again I always knew I wanted to have children. Some people are not particularly maternal and as has been said, only you as a couple can decide if and when to have children. As you have only recently married, you don't mention whether age is a pressure factor, if it isn't why not wait a while and enjoy being together, it may suddenly hit you that you want a family or equally you may decide that it's not for you.

[FP]

It is purely between you and your husband.   Noone can or should influence that decision.  If you both want them then you should have them, if you don't then there is no need.  I suppose if one of you does want them and the other doesn't it will cause problems, but I would have thought this is something that should be known before marriage.

The one thing I will say is that having children will not save a bad marriage - I can't imagine that children will cause a divorce.

[kick3m0n]

This is something only you and your hubby can decide, it's a very personal decision that will change your entire life, forever.   Personally, I always wanted children, as did my partner, and I have never been happier or more content than I am as a full time mum.  for me, it's hte best job in teh world!   But I have several friends who chose not to have children, and I know for a fact that many of them are just as content with their lives as I am.  To each their own.  Take your time and be sure you do what's right for you both and for your child, as any child deserves to be loved,  wanted and cherished.  Good luck.  P.S. I feel sorry for your friends children, he doesn't sound like a happy man, so I can't imagine he's a great dad.

[OBonio]

It's hard work. It's not awful. Sounds like your 'friend' wasn't ready for kids. They change your life completely. If he was a 'do what he liked, when he liked' sort of guy, then he didn't really think through how much time and what a responsibility a child can be. Saying that, I don't think anything can prepare you for the arrival of a child. I done my research, and it's completely different. Also, there's a lot of conflicting advice. All very confusing, but well worth it. IF YOU ARE READY!!

[boobesque]

i couldnt ever imagine a life without my son, he is my biggest fan, and i love him so much i cant describe it, everyone i know loves my little boy and i wouldnt be happy without him, we are planning on having 3 more kids and have 2 names already!

its personal choice, your friend cannot make that decision for you, sounds like he is worried about his mate becoming domesticated!

[b13thy]

No kids for me yet but i have always know that i want to share my life with children. When the time is right i know that children will enhance my life and I hope to be in a position to devote all my time into being an excellent parent. I have may friends who are young parents and unfortunately the novelty seems to wear off when the kids start being able to talk and walk - it seems to me that may people don't think about the massive lifelong obligation that comes with having babies and it just goes to show how important it is that both partners are ready to commit themselves to such a life changing expreience.  You cannot look to others when making such a decision, as you and your partner are the only people who will know if you are ready (and able) to be good parents.

Good luck with whatever you decide

[ondemania]

if u have to ask ab whether you should have children or not then maybe the time isnt right for you yet. you should be 100% that you want them and not in doubt :)

[mash]

Reasons why not: 1. Drain you of money, 2. change your relationship, 3. stress, 4. house a mess, 5. more washing, ironing, cleaning etc, 6. less holidays, 7. more debt, 8. you stop going out, 9. syou start talking gaga, 10. start talking to friends and partner through your children, 11, sleepless nights, 12. sleep overs, 13. people carriers, 14. school placements, 15. knackered, 16. quiet nookie only (assuming you still do it!), 17. fighting and tantrums, 17. they all become teenagers, 18. want to borrow your car, 19 don't know they are half the time, 20. boyfriend.girlfriends, 21. parties, 22. turkey twislers, 23. a car full of stuff just to go out for a few hours

Reasons to have them: one day they leave home!!

[Otrere]

Mash - surely you can think of at least something more positive for having kids?!?!?!! I imagine most of us have done the parties, borrowed the car, had tantrums etc. etc. in our time!!!

My daughter is the best thing in the world as far as I am concerned.

Yes it hits your finances (but if you wait till you can afford it you'll never have them), yes its tiring, but hell, for every "negative" that Mash mentioned, the unconditional love between you and your child, seeing their first steps, seeing their first smile, hearing their first laugh, the first time they say "I love you", all those "firsts" make everything well worth it. There is no other feeling like the feeling of being a parent. And we're planning on having No.2 very soon.

There are literally millions of people who are parents - some to several children - I know a handful of people who have 6 kids. So if its that bad, why do they do it 6 times over (and no, they're not stupid!).

All that said I have to agree that its a very personal decision between you and your husband and you will do it when you're ready. Just don't do it before.

[simont]

HI Mrs Simont-t here.  Simon and I have five children aged 11, 7, 3,2 and 8 months.  I nearly died when I gave birth to my 8 month old, and when I was better my eldest daughter said to me, "I prayed so hard you wouldn't die mummy, I wanted you to stay so much because I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for you..."  I was so taken aback by and 11 saying this to me, the person who she argues with and flounces off from on a regular basis, and I began to look at all my children and my marriage.  After thinking about the last 14 years of marriage, the financial struggles, the illnesses, the tiredness the times of despair and heartache, I realised that I wouldn't be the person I am now without her or without any of them.  I wouldn't understand the world the way I do if it wasn't for my children (and Simon of course!)  I guess it is true after all, at the end, it doesn't matter how much money you've made, how many places you've been too or what house you live in; what matters is that you have nutured the children in your careto make a difference in the world.

( And I can't pretend that this didn't bring a little tear to my eye all over again....I have to go and hug all five of the littlies now...byeeee.!)

[toecrusher]

if you are not 100% certain,then dont do it, and certainly dont listen to anyone else!

[Kev_UK]

Some very good advice here.
Do not have children unless you are ready for them.. remember they will affect your sex life and will cost money to raise.. so if you plan to go on some great holiday or something then do it now before you have children.
We are not on this planet just to reproduce.
I don't have kids, and I don't plan to have any but that's my choice. Many people have kids (like your parents did) and love them to bits. If you have a good marriage they will add to it, but if you have a bad marriage having kids will not keep you together. In the olden days, lots of women stayed with their hubby for the kids sake.. but if lots of argueing it's not fair on the kids. Many women have left their hubby oncee the kids have grown up and left home.. but in my opinion that is years wasted with someone they don't really want to be with.
If you have doubts then put it off at least for a while.
pros of having kids.. smiles, seeing them grow up, helping them with homework and seeing them develop.. and did I mention smiles.. and the look on their faces when they open presents on xmas day and birthdays.. and hey, you get to eat jelly and ice-cream !!!

[OBonio]

>> I have come here to find the real truth

Some good points here but the real truth is, you'll never know the truth until you have them. Every child is different, as is every parent. One person's experience will be very different to another. Though I think I can safely say that 99% of all parents wouldn't change their kids for the world.

[Curious_Me]

Interesting friend you have there!!  How about ALL of us taking his obviously learned advice.......& let the world become a child free zone!!  Seriously though, think you should get a new friend !!