Help

[Smithy82]

Hello,  I am 23 years old and i have lived with my fiance and 6 yr old step daughter for just over a year now, my fiance and i have been together for 5 years and he has custody of her. I love my step daughter to bits and up until recently we have always got on really well.  She sees her mum once every two weeks which i have to add is her mums choice as she want very little to do with my s/d (jay).. over the recent months her mum had been even more distant with her and has now moved about 40 miles away which means she will see her even less, Anyway... becasue of the distance that her mum has now put between them, jay has started to be very rude and nasty towards me, which is upsetting as we had a fantastic relationship before, my partner and i have put off having a baby together so as jay will not feel pushed out or unwanted.  I have tried giving jay and her dad time alone together adn i have tried time for me and jay alone, also time together for all three of us, but no matter what i do i cant seem to reassure her that she is the most important thing in mine and her dads life.  All i want is for her to be happy and settled as she was a few months ago.

[ursula62]

She's upset and hurt by what she sees as her mum's rejection and she is taking out on on the people she feels safe with - you and your b/f.  Children often do this - sometimes to test you to see if you are going to abandon them as well - when kids are hurting they can appear extremely illogical to adults.

Just keep doing what you're doing - it worked before and it will work again. Reassure her that you love her and that you're not going anywhere without her. Give her as much time and attention as you can and encourage her to talk about how she feels.

Is there any way you could perhaps meet up with the mum and talk about the problem together? Maybe meet up to go shopping with her and the little girl so she knows that you and mum are friends?

Best of luck - it's clear you love her very much - I'm sure it will all work out OK just give it time.

[spangle111]

It could just be a phase that she's going through - my daughter is the same age and has recently turned into a moody little demon (she's had quite a lot of upheaval too - her best friend has gone to live abroad, her favorite teacher has left school etc.) All you can do is more of the same - lots of love and attention - why not broach the subject of a little brother or sister with her it might give her something to focus on other than her rotten sounding mother! Stick with it love you sound like a fantastic stepmum to have around X

[lady_p_gold]

She is clearly upset and maybe you could find ways of getting her to express her feelings without asking her directly, perhaps drawing pictures together and asking her to draw her family and things like that to see in a non-threatening kind of way what is going on with her.  Also ... I know there is no way of knowing, but if you had a baby and included her in all the preparation and made her feel a big part of it, you might just find it makes her feel more secure rather than pushed out.  I was brought up by a step parent myself and it is never easy, but you are obviously a caring and thoughtful person and that is what she needs.  I think it is important that she does not lose total contact with her mother, not sure how that will work as she is now so far away.

[nfn]

Bless her, it sounds like she's trying to push you away before you push her away and who can blame her. She's now old enough to realise that the person she thought would always love her to distraction, ie her mum, has gone away and she's terrified you'll do the same so she's making it easier for herself by deciding to dislike you.

I don't think you can do any more than u are at present, just give her lots of love and affection and reassurance. One thing tho, don't spoil her as she'll soon twig that she'll get rewards for bad behaviour. Good luck, she's lucky to have you xxx

[Smithy82]

Thank you all very much for your replies, they're very helpful.  It's shown that there is some light at the end of the tunnell now...  In regards to Ursula62's suggestion, i have suggested to her mum that we meet up and give Jay the feeling of security i know she would get from that, but she has said no every time i have asked.  I am always pleasent to her mum but i know that when jay goes with her mum for that one day she gets told all sorts of things about her dad and i, which must confuse her alot.  I have tried to talk to her mum privatly and tell her that we can make Jay's life easier and happier if there is a truce but she seems intent on making jay's life as confusing and unhappy as possible.  At the moment all i can do is make things as easy as possible for the six days that she is with me.. Again, thanks very much for your helpful responses.