Dilemma

[andyjevs]

My wife has had two miscarriages..one at 6 wks, one at 20 wks. But we have a lovely 7 year old daughter. Today, i have just found out that my cousin and his wife have lost their unborn baby....and she's due this week. We are absolutely gutted for them but not sure how to approach them. My wife couldn't accept any phone calls or callers during our bad time. But i don't want to my cousin to feel that i don't care or that he knows i'm here for him. Shall i ring them in a few days, maybe send a small "thinking of you" card....i just don't know what to do. Any suggestions

[blueeyedlass]

id personally just send a card telling them that you are sorry and you understand what they are going through and if they need you , you,ll be there .

[mycatis]

Sometimes the best thing to say is just "I don't know what to say, but I'm here if you want/need me" Maybe just a quick phone call to say your thinking of them. And it's probably best not to say "I know how you feel" because you probably don't, everyone feels different, hope that didn't sound patronising. x x x

[mimi-moomoo]

Im very sorry about your cousin and his wife

I think you should ring them but if nobody answers leave a message saying that you're thinking about them and that you're there to help.

Also maybe when he's feeling a bit better organise a lads night out or something?

Just a suggestion! Good luck to you all

[boobesque]

i am sorry to hear of the loss, i lost a baby at 24 weeks and at first i didnt really want to see anyone, but the cardsmeant so much (i still have them in the photo album i have of my little boy). I think the best thing is to let him know you will be there if you need him, and if he wants to talk, or cry make sure he can come to you, thats all you can do really. Good luck xxx

[mimififi]

I would defo send a card.  With the baby I lost, I didn't really know what to say to anyone.  I just kept crying, everytime I opened my mouth to talk, I couldn't, just cried and cried, as I'm sure you can imagine.

However, when you are in that situation, you want so much to be able to remember the baby and the baby to be real and a part of everything that you keep everything to do with the pregnancy and the baby.  I have a box in which I keep the hospital tags I was wearing, some little booties and litlle hat my sis knitted when I told her is was pregnant and I photocopied my antenatal notes and kept them and Of course, I had lots of cards and I still read them occasionally now if I'm feeling a bit sad about it (and that was 10 years ago).

Therefore, I would send a card and say you are there and that this is such a sad, sad loss but you will remember their baby even though he can't be here with us. 

I am thinking of you, it must be a painful time for you feeling for your cousin and also being reminded of your own pain.

With much loveXX

[KPD]

On a different but related subject, do miscarriages run in your family. Whats important is to understand is why it happened (if possible) as there may be a solution for your wife and your cousin. For example, 5% of cocasion women suffer from factor 5 Liden, without even knowing it. A proportion of those women have miscarriages. I know you have a daughter already but this wouldn't rule out factor 5 as it gets progressively worse with age. Yet a simple injection of heparin each day that your pregnant would resolve the problem.  This is just an example, and your unlikely to have it, but if you can identify the reason it may well be relevant to other members of your family. You have to ask your doctor to refer you for tests to the infertility clinic at your local hospital, if you can afford a private consultation be referred to St. Mary's Hospital in London (Prof Reegan).