Not exactly Parenting.....

[Big Jenny]

..but I didn't know what heading to put this under.
What should you do when an elderly relative (98), who you have visited regularly all your life, and done as much as you could for, suddenly decides you are dishonest, can't be trusted, and doesn't want anything more to do with you? This has happened to my Mum, concerning her Great Aunt. She hasn't many relatives left, and Mum has always been the one who has kept en eye on her as she's got older, and done jobs for her round the house and garden etc. All of a sudden, and for no reason that we can think of, she doesn't want Mum to go any more, or to have anything more to do with her. Mum is heartbroken, and completely baffled. She is also worried about Auntie and who will do her odd jobs if she wont have her there any more. I don't know what advice to give my Mum.

[Hermia]

It sounds like she has something like dementia. I actually know a few people who have been accused of dreadful things by an elderly parent (my friend was incredibly close to her mum all her life, but she became ill in the year before her death and accused her children of doing everything from stealing from her to being prostitutes). It may also be the case that someone is influencing her and at 98 she may be easily influenced. Probably time for a doctor to give her a visit.

[rampart]

I wonder if your mum's great aunt has had some sort of stroke or dementia. If so, poor auntie cannot help it, and would certainly never say such things. If your mum has a long wonderful history with her aunt, encourage her to draw strength from that, and be forgiving to her poor aunt who in her right mind (I am assuming she's not in her right mind) would never say such things.

Late in life, my great aunt confused me with one of her nephews. There was no changing her mind. I was very sad about it, but still I just answered to his name and tried to act my best.

I hope that helps, Jenny. :(

[Big Jenny]

Thanks Hermia and rampart, sensible stuff from you both. Yes, I think Auntie probably has developed, or is developing, dementia. I can think of no other explanation why she should turn on my poor Mum so violently, after all these years of getting on so well. The thing is, she now wont have her in the house, so there is no opportunity to humour her. She keeps the door locked, and has stated quite clearly that she doesn't want to see Mum and Dad again. If she were much younger and fitter, they might feel inclined to accept it and let her get on with it, but as she is so old and frail, they are still concerned that someone should be visiting from time to time to keep an eye on her, and help her out when necessary. They don't want to abandon her, but if she wont let them in, what can they do?

[woofgang]

Is there anyone that the lady lets through the door?? Can she do anything for herself? A community mental health nurse might be able to help (through your GP or NHS Direct) You might also try getting her onto the Social Services "at risk" register but sadly when this happens, things have to get to the point of crisis before anything can be done. Before anyone starts a rant (not you sensible posters or BJ) you would be AMAZED at the number of frail but able and non demented older people who have well meaning but bossy friends neighbours and relis!!!!!!

[Big Jenny]

She has a hairdresser, and a woman who goes in to give her a bath twice a week, both of whom know Mum and Dad and know that they have only ever visited Auntie for the "right" reasons - to do odd jobs and to give her a bit of company etc. She doesn't (as far as we know) discuss family matters with either of these women, although one of them was actually there the last time Mum visited, when Auntie wouldn't let her in, so I daresay Auntie may well have had to offer something of an explanation to her afterwards. Other than that, she looks after herself reasonably well - washing, dressing, preparing a meal etc., albeit rather slowly. It's stuff like gardening, shopping and cleaning, that she can't really manage. It just seems so sad that after all these years she has turned against Mum without an explanation. That's the worst bit for Mum, simply not knowing what she's supposed to have done to upset her, and being called untrustworthy and dishonest.

[WendyS]

This is obviously a very distressing situation for your mother and like the others, I suspect that dementia may be setting in. This often changes the personality of the sufferer. They start to lose items about the house, keys, purse, some money, can't remember where they put them and automatically assume that somebody who has visited has stolen them. Once the idea becomes fixed in the mind it is very difficult to budge it. I suppose it is beyond question that the two other helpers for your aunt are entirely honest and that nothing has been stolen? If I were your mother I would be inclined to try and involve either her GP or Social Services if only for her peace of mind and to ensure that things don't continue to go downhill. Would your aunt accept a visit by you and could you possibly act as a go between? If so, try and discover what has caused her to make the accusation of dinhonesty. If it is lost keys or money, etc. could you help her relocate them to reassure her? If you still visit your aunt, perhaps try to talk to her and see if she can remember simple things like "What year it is, who is the Prime Minister, What is the name of the Queen's eldest son? Recent memories start to be lost first whilst earlier childhood memories often remain clear and undeminished. This might give you a clue as to whether dimentia is the root of the problem. This condition also makes the sufferer feel very insecure because they slowly lose the confidence and ability to know how to deal with certain situation. However, I have to say that I have known a number of elderly people with dimentia who have developed similar delusions about certain members of their families and once fixed in their minds, they've remained suspicious of them for the rest of their lives, despite no logical reason for it.