Shyness - HELP!!!

[andrea_h]

Hi, my son is almost 3yrs and has suddenly become really shy. It's only just started this week and nothing out of the ordinary has happend.

He was a bit poorly at the start of the week but fine now - we started a music club yesterday, I thought he would love it - I was wrong,he spent the whole time clinging to me and hiding his face, but I think he was just a bit overwhelmed coz there was loads of people there and he didn't know anyone. I've recently noticed that he hates situations where he doesn't know people! (This was also picked up by his playgroup - he still cries every time I leave, but stops by the time I get out the door, but he always says he enjoys playgroup & talks about the people/activities etc)

When I asked him about it, he said that he enjoyed music club (he liked playing the maracas) and wants to go again, but said he was scared of all the people! My husband and I were both quite shy when we were younger, but not now so we've tried to make a point of getting our son to mix with lots of different people.

Please tell me this is just a phase that he is going through and he'll get out of it soon - or is it something I should be concerned about???

[WendyS]

I'm sure it's just a phase but in the meantime, to ensure the phase passes quickly you can do a lot to help build his self- confidence by acting out role-plays with him for situations he finds difficult. If you can just act through some situations where he will be meeting new peope for the first time, show him how easy it is to go up to somebody and say "Hello, I'm John. What's your name? What's your favourite toy here? How does this train work ," etc. etc. you'll be teaching him a very valuable social skill which will build his self-confidence. He's still very young and the role-play needs to be kept simple but if it's done as a game with you swapping roles (and lots of praise when he does well), am sure he'll soon get the hang of it and find meeting new people less intimidating.

[lou 26]

Hi Andrea, Not sure this will help but youre not alone! My daughter is nearly 3 and she is the same when she does not know people. She will hide her face usually in my leg! If we're out and about (i.e shopping,) shes fine until someone she doesnt know speaks to her. I try to look at it as if shes finding her feet in the world but is not overly confident yet. Trying to see things from their perspective I think it must be very scary being in a room full of people when theyre so used to spending their time with just mum or someone theyre familiar with. My daughter has already expressed that she doesnt want to go to nursery if i cant stay with her!

I think theyre just at the age where they still need a parent or another trusted adult close by for safety and it is something they will overcome with time.

If youre really concerned about his behaviour I would consult your health visitor or perhaps doctor for advice. But from what i can see (and ive seen it other children around the same age at my daughters playgroup) it seems like perfectly normal behaviour for his age. Hope this helps, x

[lou 26]

p.s. have just found this link which may be useful

http://www.ahealthyadvantage.com/topic/shyness1to3

There is also www.mumsnet.com where there are forums to discuss/share and parenting tips etc and www.netmums.com (they are very similar i know!) but they may be useful to you

[Drusilla]

I think the psychological term might be separation anxiety and although it doesn't sound too great a problem for him, I think Wendy's suggestions are very useful. Helping him with a role playing game sounds an excellent idea to help him cope with those first, nerve wracking moments in large groups.
Adults do it for things like job interviews and my ex husband admitted he practised chat up lines in front of mirrors.(sad man!)
If grown ups feel the need to practise after years of mixing with people, it's not surprising our little ones need some help. I know how your son feels. I am still very shy, but am so glad my girls take after their father, although they tend to blunder in where angels fear to tread, occasionally.
I wouldn't wish shyness on my worst enemy. It can be debilitating. I wish you well and hope Wendy's suggestion proves fruitful.

[andrea_h]

Thank you for your great replies and suggestions - I'll definately give the role play idea a try.

thanks xXx

[maggie01]

I work in a playgroup and we often get children who find it hard to settle at first. It's upsetting to see their mums go off feeling upset because their little ones are crying. It usually only lasts for about 5 mins. When they see everyone else having a good time sticking or drawing etc, the usually want to join in. We have one little boy who hasn't been with us long and he used to scream when his mum left him because he had never been with anyone except her. Now he is happy to get up on to the stage getting ready to do their Christmas play, and he enjoys it. I wouldn't worry too much, he'll be fine!

[kilkenny]

Andrea -- Most parents have been there on this one. Given your son's age this behaviour is not unusal. My son - now a very confident, willing to speak his mind, opinion on everthing, rugby playing, asking questions all the time 13 year old - went through phases like this. You said this is a sudden change. Maybe its a change of enviroment or meeting new people. Be reassuring and do not push the mixing. Just let it take its own course if you can. It sounds to me that you are doing ok.

You did say your lad had been a little poorly, maybe this made him clingy but this sounds fairly normal to me

Oh weel back to my teenager

Kilkenny xxx