Have I done the right thing?

[TopCat1]

Please advise me, as I feel so low at the moment and extremely quilty. I have always believed that every parent, as long as they are happy with their decision has the right to bring their children up their on way (I'm talking about Controled Crying), but I decided I couldn't do it, when my little girl was born (21mths now). I never really had too, as she slept pretty well until a few months ago.

My hubby and I always stayed with her, beside her cot until she fell asleep, which only took 15 mins, but then she got sick and would wake up in the night, so we would sit with her and comfort her like most parents would, but once she got better she still would wake up often in the night and my hubby and I would take turns to go and sit with her till she fell asleep. But a few weeks ago, she stopped going back to sleep and wanted to get up, any time around 4-5am. Because we couldn't get her back to sleep we would take turns on getting up with her, but then she started waking up earlier and earlier, and for 3 nights in a row this week that was at 2.30 and refused to go back to sleep AT ALL. My hubby and I are zombies and fighting with eachother, I'm making mistakes at work etc,,,So my mum and work collegues told me I had to let her cry it out as she was getting used to us getting up with her.

So last night we did, she woke at 5.00am and I stroked her face telling her it was still bed time and left her - well she SCREAMED/SOBBED/ everything possible and it broke my heart, I went in often and stroked her cheek, telling her it was still bed-time and then left again, this went on for 20 mins, she fell asleep, but I couldn't get back to sleep I was so upset, guilty that my baby went to sleep distressed. I'm not sure if I can do it again tonight, and have heard the cries can go on for hours.

Do you think I have I done the right thing?

[tradey]

i know how your feeling dont think your all on your own,my daughters nearly two and my god do i know what this is like,she used to wake up every night sometimes about 20 times,i couldnt take it any longer my hubby works nights so it was left to me all the time,i know its my fault i was like you going in all the time i even used to get in bed with her,not any more, iwent to my doctors told him what was going on and if i was lucky id have two hours a night,well he gave me some med called medised,i know now you can also buy it over the counter too,it helps them sleep makes it easy if there stuffy but on the box it said dont give more than three days in a run,do what i do is give it her twice a week and my god what a diffrent baby she is,i only have to go into her once a night she goes to bed at 7 and sleeps till 5 in the morning but 10hrs is better than none,i tried all that, leaving her to cry but she would never stop it would go on for hours and hours go out and buy some of that med at least youll be getting some sleep too it wont harm her ive asked all the questions you can give her 1-2 spoonfulls i give mine just one dont like giving her med but if it helps whats wrong with that good luck buy some today over the counter at boots its �3.75 the bestmoney ive ever spent x

[AliFlump]

I dont have children but i think you did do the right thing. Children dont like it when they dont get their own way but what you did showed her who was in charge and that you wouldnt tolerate her wanting to get up when it wasnt time.

She went back to sleep so she must have been tired, i think if you keep doing this she will get used to the fact that its not time to get up then and sleep right through until the morning

Anyone who has any experience please feel free to contradict me but i think you did the right thing

[funnywebsite]

Yes you are doing the right thing but don't keep going in the bedroom and stroking her face and telling her it is still bedtime. She will get the message when you don't answer her. How are children going to learn?

[kilkenny]

TC - I think you did the right thing. You have been patient and reassuring but have had to take a stand.

Children can be manipultive and know how to make the best of a situation. Do not worry what others think the decision is yours.

Ask yourself the question, did you do the right thing and I bet that you will answer yourelf - Yes.

You did the right thing in seeking reassurance, all parents need it at some time. We have all been there at some time

[ursula62]

Please speak to your health visitor or GP about this. The problem is more common than you think and they have plenty of strategies to help you cope.

Good luck.

[andy hughes]

Have to second kilkenny's response here, little ones are manipulative, and she will have you dancing in and out of her room all night if she can.

It is not at all cruel to make it clear that night time is for sleeping, and she will get used to it. You just have to tough it through the first few nights while she cries. Of course it's hard, but giving in will teach her that crying is a weapon, and she will use it as and when, believe me!

Children have to learn to fit in with the routine of the house, and if a few tears are shed, than it won't hurt her - nothing like as much as it hurts you!

Be strong, and be assured, you are doing fine. Reassurance is here from experienced parents any time you need it.

[kick3m0n]

I definitely think you did the right thing. She must learn to get back to sleep on her own, and the younger she learns this, the better for everyone, especially her. It is very difficult, but you should remind yourself that she will suffer absolutely no lasting effects from this and you are doing it for her own good. She needs you to be strong for her and help her learn this very important task. If you feel guilty, give her extra hugs and reassurances during the day, and maybe try to talk to her about how important it is that she learns to fall alseep herself, but that Mummy and Daddy are always nearby etc. Bear in mind that at 21 months she can understand most of what you say. You will also find that you only need to do this for a few nights, maybe up to a couple of weeks, before she will have mastered falling asleep by herself. Maybe you could make a big celebration of how well she's doing each night. Tell her how clever she is and how pleased you are etc and maybe do something special together, or give her some sort of treat? it will be hard but you must persevere, for the whole family's sake. Good luck and do let us know how you get on? xx

[Gnisy]

You shouldn't make the mistake of thinking a baby's cry is like a toddlers cry out of pain or a cry for help. Crying is a baby's way of communicating.. well, everything. When it needs to poo, when it is hungry, when it is bored, when it wants something, when it is shocked and when it wants to be picked up. There's only one way of doing it: cry. So I think it is fine that u catch up on a few zz's while you let her cry her heart out. After awhile, she gets the idea and will sleep the night through.

Another way of solving this problem will be to not let her get too many naps during the day . That will definitely put her out for the whole night. If she needs a short nap, make sure that is what she gets, a SHORT nap. Good luck!

[andy hughes]

Further to my last rsponse - do you have a good bedtime routine?

If you follow a pattern, your little one will learn to associate the routine with bed time. As Gnisy has said, keep her awake as much as is reasonable during the day. Give her a bath, and feed her as late as you can. Make sure the room is dimly lit, and nice and warm. When you put her down, move around the room for a few minutes, so she knows you are there. Go out quietly, and only go back if she cries for a few minutes. Then, uncover her, cover her up straight away, and tuck her in, do NOT lift her out. Stroke her back gently for a few seconds, and then move away, but stay in the room, out of sight - your smell will tell her you are still there.

Follow the routine rigidly, and she will learn to recognise the 'going to sleep' signals, and start to fall in to the routine with you. It isn;t easy, but it needs to be done.

You have done fine, and remember, there are lots of experienced parents on here, with support and advice when ever you need to talk things over.

[Solarjunkie]

I could never bear to hear my babies cry - that's what mother nature intended us to feel!

She obviously needs lots of reassurance (by day) that you are close, and that you need to sleep too! Trying to tire her out could help a bit as well! You can also remind her that it is nice to lay in bed & cuddle teddy, even if you're not actually asleep.

Personally, I would try the gradual approach - leave it one minute longer each time before you go in & briefly settle her.

It does getr better - honest. Remind yourself you are a GOOD mother for helping her to learn this important lesson.

[loopyc]

hi you poor thing been there done that so i do sympathise. i have done the controlled sleeping yes it breaks your heart, but you are doing your child no harm i am training as a child psychologist at the mo and this method is used all over the world and if done properly can take less than two weeks to get baby in a routine.

dont beat your self up over this you are doing the right thing. let us no how you get on x

[peeriesooky]

you must be really in need of sleep and i know how it feels. My oldest two used to stay up till at least 4am then wake without fail at 7am. I was exhausted but their dad started to put them to bed and no matter how often they woke up and cried they were both put back to sleep. Our son settled on the first night (he was 3) and our daughter took a week(she was 1 1/2 ) with slight improvements every night. It was extremly difficult but now they are 4 1/2 and 3 and we now have a new baby and we are still reaping the benefits of a good nights sleep as at 7mths old, our son sleeps all night. Best of luck but it really does pay off.