teenager who loves to shock

[downhearted]

I am out of my mind with my teenage daughter (14). She is generally good but very head strong and you can tell she loves to shock.

she is out of the country on a school holiday at the moment. she rang me a 4.30 this morning to say that she has bought 2 penknives and 2 lighters because she could. Obviously I have sobbed since and have not shut my eyes hence on the computer at this time.

She also told me that she has mated up with the year group higher than her so I think she is trying to impress. I am destroyed.

They have email access so I have emailed and begged not to try bringing them back. I am beside myself I can't believe she has been so stupid.

The time she rang was ok cos i did say because of the time diff in the country where she is if she wanted to ring and we were in bed it was ok.

I asked her what she was thinking about and she said she did because she could and these girls are sound.

We are a close family and she said I told you cos you like me to tell you things and I do. Which is fair comment but Im demented with worry.

[wannaknownow]

You are clearly powerless to do anything about the incident yourself. The thing to do is to get onto the school and let the leader in charge know what your daugter has told you. Teachers are 'in loco parentis' and will act.
Also have you thought through why it is she needs to shock? What's she after? Attention?
I'm really sad for you that your daughter is causing such distress... sadly, there may have to come a time when she is left to face the consequences of her actions.

[Oneeyedvic]

Is this really shocking behaviour? Personally, i would find a 14 year old pregnant shocking, or a 14 year old on drugs quite offensive.

Depending on the size of the penknives, I don't actually find that shocking.

I remember going to France on a school trip and buying bangers and porn playing cards when I was around 12. Not really a big thing (unless it is blown out of all proportion).

[gessoo]

Hi, I can remember so well being a teenager and liking to shock my parents. It's just so natural and part of the rebellious teenager stage. OK I was a bit older, but times have changed. I remember coming back from my first holiday with a group of friends proudly sporting a massive love bite. I made no attempt to cover it and my mother was mortified. She thought I had been up to all sorts of things. I hadn't!!

I also remember finding lighters in my sons pockets when he was fourteen and thinking the worse. He has never smoked in his life, nor taken drugs. It's just that his mates had lighters.

Relax, your daughter is normal. Feel pleased that she phoned you - some kids don't even bother.

If she tries bringing the penknives back in her pockets they will probably be detected at customs and she won't like the attention that brings to her!

The best thing you can do is say no more about it. I think too that you have blown it out of proportion, which is so easy to do, especially when she is overseas.

Take care.

I

[mollymandy]

take a chill pill .... get real .... how would you feel if she had not have rung ? encourage her , listen to her , be there for her , soon she will be off with her own life , you will only see her at xmas and new year , if she is not having xmas dinner with her boyfriends parents ,,, have fun do things with her , teach her to drive or cook laugh with her .. write her a letter explaining how presious she is to you , love her ..

[CT]

Loads of our mates did this on our school trip to France when I was 13. Don't worry about it. As for being friends with the kids in the year above, that'll probably be forgotten about as soon as they're back at school. I would also think it unlikely that an entire school group will get searched by police on the way home for stuff like penknives.

[noxlumos]

Hi, Relax, nothing in your post is remotely shocking and the worst thing that will happen is that she'll have the penknives taken off her by customs. Your daughter sounds like a nice kid and not at all out to shock actually, she called you, kept you informed and respcted your boundaries on doing so.

Her friends may very well be sound, what's the problem with friends older or younger? Perfectly normal and well adjusted in my book, my teenage kids friends range from about 11 to 23 if you take them across the board and a very nice group of kids they are too.

Try not to worry as I'd hate your concerns to start to feel overly restrictive to your daughter and for that to lessen her closeness to you. She sounds lovely, you sound lovely and you sound like you have a great relationship, just relax and enjoy it.

[smudge]

It could be worse - she could be trafficking Drugs!!!!

Why don't you just leave it up to Customs to take the pen knives & lighters off her at the Airport - that's if she doesn't pack them away in her suitcase, which will then go in the hold!

If she does get interrogated & is given a ticking off by Customs, then so be it. She's obviously tested the water by telling you what she's done & if she prefers to learn the hard way, then she has to face the consequences.

Make yourself a nice cup of tea & try to take your mind off it - hard I know, but there isn't much you can do at this stage.

[smudge]

*By Customs, I also mean Security Officers!

[hal]

I am sorry, but you really do seem to be over-reacting to this. Its hardly extreme behaviour, and really not something to be sobbing about and losing sleep. This is teenagers for you - its part of growing up, they will wind you up and exploit your weaknesses in order to show that they are old enough to run their own lives. We know they are not ready, but all we should do (unless its seriously bed behaviour) is set a good example, listen to them, be there for them and love them unconditionally. Don't over-react - it will only get worse if you do.

[hal]

Hmm 'unless its seriously bed behaviour'! Meant to say bad behaviour.........

[sp1814]

Downhearted...I'm going to make a series of guesses here - are you worried because the girl you remembered from a few years ago has disappeared?

Do you feel that you're suddenly confronted by this person who you don't know?

Try not to worry - I was a complete nightmare as a teen...it's a phase. For some reason, teenagers want to destroy their parents. It's a way of them establishing their own identitiy.

I think the worse thing you could do rifght now is to blow up at her...don't rise to the bait. From what you wrote, it seems that's what she's after.

[kaz20]

Please don't worry about your daughter - it all sounds perfectly normal! You are very lucky that your daughter feels that she is able to talk to you - please don't ruin it. I have always felt I can talk to my Mum because she would always listen and would always try and put herself in my position (annoying teenager!) regarding everything I said. Sometimes if she flared up or went mad about something it really put me off talking to her, and I would deliberately tell her nothing just to annoy her.

My Mum always accepted that I was just being a brat... and I think it's quite normal really - you would probably find many lighters in my bedroom, but I have never put a cigarette to my mouth, and never would. I've only ever used them for lighting candles! Things are always different when you are away - you are placed with people you didn't know before, you are doing different things, and you are bound to get friendly with different people when you are all put together on a holiday!

Now I'm older and my mum and I get on really well - although my brat tendencies come back if she starts hassling me! So please don't worry about it - its just one of those teenage things! you're very lucky that your daughter talks to you - most of my friends would have never told their mums anything!

[downhearted]

Thanks everyone for your constructive comments. All taken on board. Particular thanks to gessoo I will relax thanks.

mollymandy thanks for your nice comments.

noxlumos many thanks. My daughter does have friends of all ages, she does sport at a high competitive level therefore travels with them as well but I think I got a fright she is so far way and I don't know these girls. I have calmed down now. I hope I still do have a close relationship with her I love her to bits and support her every step of the way. I will relax and enjoy it I know how precious this is.

Thanks hal Yes I did over react. I do listen, am there for her and love her I hope unconditionally. I just got scared I felt so far away from her.

Sp1814 Yes I did feel I was confronted by a person I didn't know. I won't blow up at her. I sent her an email asking her not to bring them back but told her how much I loved her and couldn't wait to see her.

THANKS EVERYONE!!!

[the.dr]

its pen knifes and lighters, i went to a roman catholic school in surrey callled, st.john the baptist....a number 1 school in surrey and we went away to france age 13 and our whole year group did the same its no big deal the pen knife will be nail clippers with a small blunt penknife attachment and the lighters will be gone in a second once the teachers catch wind....stop worrying its nothing major

[Silversky]

Hi,

Im 15 and I have a few friends who are similar to this, I believe that they do it just to get a reaction from people or attention. I would be more worried if you/someone found it and she hadn't told you. If she tells you then she will most likely either not be telling the truth, or won't be doing anything with it anyway. She will most likely grow out of it in a couple of months.

[Blyss]

it really isnt that bad, just wait til shes 18 ..jumping out of the bedroom window and getting drunk..lol
I have an 18 yr old son ..who jumped out his bedrrom window last night ..I looked in his bedrrom afterwards and found a crowbar and somthing that resenbles a matechet{sp}
If all i had to worry about was a penknife and a lighter ...belive me I wouldnt be sittin online ,, at 6 am on a sunday morning.
chin up ..lol its only gona get worse.

[smudge]

Glad you're not worrying as much now downhearted - you'll need all your energy for when she comes home & wants to tell you all about her holiday!

[THE Katy]

You could shock her right back, like my mum did when she was called up to the school to see the Head about my sisters behaviour. My mum turned up wearing a trenchcoat tightly belted at the waist, a headscarf (MAJOR no no!!) and high heeled, silver cowboy boot shaped moulded wellies. Oh yes, I think she bought them specifically for the occasion.

So, meet her off the coach at the school, dressed like that and shock her right back.

[gessoo]

downhearted. I am so glad you are feeling better.

I do have to add that I think the time you received the call might have made your panic worse. Things always seem terrible in the early hours!!! I also must say that it was probably good advice that I gave you, but I can't take my own advice when it comes to my own son and panic about everything!! I think it may have something to do with maternal love.

Best wishes.

[milkybarkid]

glad you're feeling better downhearted. i'm a teenager and i think the only reason she's doing that is to see how you'll react. play it cool and she'll grow out of it, as she's probably just trying to freak you out. you never know she might thank you for it someday.