How do I get my 16-year-old son to move out?

[Surfingjcs]

For several years he's been making my life a living hell (and my wife's) we've had enough and now want him to move out to stand on his own two feet. He has no respect for us or our home so we feel the only option is to give ourselves some distance! Unfortunately we are still legally responsibly for him so we are just not sure what to do or where to go for advice.

[WendyS]

Is your son working or still in education? It may be worth contacting the Social Services Department of your Local Borough Council. They might be able to arrange for him to live with some foster parents until he's of a legal age to fend for himself. They might also be able to offer some family counselling although I know these services are very stretched for resources. Alternatively, are there any relatives or grandparents he could live with temporarily where he might be better behaved. It sounds as if he has some real attitude problems and it would seem better to try and deal with these at their root. One of the Independent TV programs (Channel 4 ??) was recently advertising for parents to send their unbearable kids to Brat Camps to sort them out. Judging by the end result some of them seem to have achieve pretty effective results. Maybe you could try that. Alternatively, if he's pretty antisocial outside the home as well and is causing problems to others, maybe the local police could come round and have a chat with him. That might have an effect.

[noxlumos]

Well it's actually as simple as him finding somewhere else to live, a child over the age of 16 is perfectly entitled to live alone, but I'd question the wisdom of this and of you trying to get him to leave at all to be honest. He is your child and at the moment going through what is a notoriously difficult time when most teens become horrible in some way (13 years-18 or so as a general rule).

From the tone of your post it sounds as if you've almost been on a countdown as to when you can hoof him out of the door and whilst that may sound appealing now, he's your child and the very different young man he will grow into will be bewildered at what's happened and you may potentially lose him for good if you deeply hurt him, which you will do by asking him to leave.

Try if you can to talk things through without any of you getting angry or upset and see if compromises can't be reached as I think to evict a 16 year old is a very serious step to be taking and one that should you proceed you'll live to regret.

[Lonnie]

Wise words nox.

[curiosity]

I obviously have no perception of what your living hell (and your wifes) has been, and, I haven't even considered that he may also have a living hell. But regardless of the law I personally consider a 16 year old to be a capable but "frightened" inbetween, as much in need of support from their parents as the baby you had 16 years ago. It may be a different level of support, but it will go a long way to shaping how your childs adult life is. I hope you all find the right mix of support and independence to make everyone happy, but still feel part of a family. Good Luck

[Blyss]

sign him up for the army, thats what i did with mine .
then again the army chucked him out after 7 months and Im stuck with him gain.

wish i could help you ,, if you hear any good tips let me know .. I could use some as well ..lol

[Surfingjcs]

Some interesting thoughts.

We have tried several things over the years. Unfortunately our son is not a listener, refuses to take anything on board, is so totally self absorbed that he fails to see reason or the effects he is having on anybody else. This includes teachers when he was at school, his neighbours and more recently his work colleagues (I am not sure how long he will keep his job with his current attitude).

The idea of him moving out is to give him the independence he craves and the responsibility for his own actions.

Basically we need help, and although we have tried several avenues we have run out of options. If he carries on in this vain he will never integrate with society. We feel we would be better able to help him by having some distance to be objective.

[Blyss]

chuck him out and change the locks , put is cloths in bin bags at the front gate , if he starts throwing abuse and shouting to be let bakc into the home ..call the police on him, Im sure he will be giving a comfy cell to sleep in for the night.
If thats a bit harsh, why dont you rent a small flat for him to live in and for the first year or so , help him pay the rent .

[noxlumos]

Blyss the Army is not a dustbin for unwanted children, how would you have felt if he'd stayed there in desperation and ended up being killed? Get your kids arrested if you evict them and they, in dismay,ask to be let back into their home . God it's great to know such informed parenting goes on.

[Blyss]

the army is an option noxlumos, and a very good one IMO, if the boy is not suitable for the armed forces , he can leave of his own free will and not only that ..they will also help him with housing.
Also noxlumos, we have no idea how desrpate the man whos make this thread is ..nor do we know if the boy in question has stole from his parents , nor what the boy has done.
I do not think the boy should be locked out of his home either , but somtimes SSS tactics do work with young men{boys}.
I also said if you have enough intelligance to read futher down this thread , that the parents can rent or co rent a property for there son and help him with rent ext.
As for my parenting skills noxlumos, I can asure they are very well tuned , I have four children and I am also a foster carer for teenagers.
so yes ..I do know what I am talking about .
good day.

[ianess]

Have to agree with loxumos.
Your son will be a totally different man in a few years time.....he'll hopefully have matured and settled down to an almost orthodox lifestyle.
We've all been there and come out the other side......I'll bet your parents despaired about you at 16.
No easy answer sorry.....it's just life.
Good luck.

[noxlumos]

Well sorry Blyss, but if you are a foster carer then God help the poor, already disadvantaged, kids left with you and no wonder the level of offending and drink/drug abuse is well above the national average for those kids that are in care if foster parents think the kind of behaviour you proscribe is acceptable.

[randomsasha]

I left my mum's at 18 because living with her and my new born twins was too much and driving us apart. We went to our local council office and they put us in touch with homeless accomidation. My mum explained that things were very difficult and she was getting to the point where she couldnt cope with me or my twins in her house. I was offered a small flat and had to share with another mother for three months until they could find me a two bedroom place. Me and my mum now have back the relationship that we had, and if we hadnt have done it that way, it would have been atleast 3 years before I could have got anywhere.

[Blyss]

SSS treatment does work noxlumos, If you dont agree well more power to you, if you honestly think that I am such a bad foster carer or mother for that matter , thats up to you , I have 4 of my own little darlings and have had this year alone 3 teenagers ...2 that i still have living very happily with me.
SSS simply means short , sharp , shock.
One night away from the home comforts would help the boy maybe, maybe not ..but then again we dont know the whole facts surrounding the parents or the boy.
I think that is a much better way to go about things than brat camp.
I must admit, it is a drastic step , I would much rather it not happen , I do think though when you are at the end of your tether that in a short term ...it is a safe remidy,, for ONE night.
I do think helping the lad get a small flat and giving him support financially and emotinally would benifit the family more.
Again the parent of this young lad does not have to take heed to my adivse if he dosnt want to.
He could also look into the socail work in his area and see if he can get a respite placement for a break.
So ...at the end of it noxlumos,, Your thoughts on my parenting skills means nothing to me .
They may on the other hand help out this parent .
Now take your rather crass attitude to another thread or simply keep it to yourself .

[noxlumos]

There's only one person here with a crass attitude Blyss and that's you.I am entitled to question advice given to anyone as this is a public forum and I believe for anyone to heed your advice would be nothing short of disasterous for any child.If you are a foster carer as you seem to suggest then you would know that your "SSS" treatment had been proven time and time again NOT to work.As for you caring about my opinion of your parenting skills I certainly didn't expect you to and aside from hoping against hope that the poster of this question doesn't feel vindicated by your opinion and slings their child out I have no interest in your parenting technique. I do not advocate "Brat Camp", its an equally absurd notion as is your own suggestion, I advocate repsonsible, sensible, intelligent parenting like most people who realise that, as adults, they are responsible for nurturing and showing sensitivity to vulnerable teens.Now take your crass attitude and give it a SSS.

[patc7641]

Surf, my Mother kicked me out of the house on my 16th birthday, well she gave me 6 months, I left in 3. It was the best thing that she did for me, made me stand on my own 2 feet. I still could go back to see her now and again though. She actually got a letter sent to me from her solicitor, whilst I was still at home. I now work in a Jobcentre and daily meet youngsters who are spoiled at home and mothered and as such have no need to move on in their life. Yes, I know there are some children from troubled backgrounds, drugs, abuse etc. But this is a social issue. For your son I say, kick him out but be there to support him. Lifes hard, get a helmet.

[ianess]

Blyss...........my family also are foster carers and while I admire your ability to cope with teenagers [I most certainly can't] I must say that I think your views are a bit on the extreme edge of what could be classed "normal". I do understand your frustrations, but speaking as a parent the youngest of whom is now 26, I can only say that the teenage phase doesn't last forever and that they soon return to the human race.
No-one should be forced into the Armed Forces.......in GB it is still a career that is entered voluntarily......I would hate to be the one who forced a teenager into a life threatening situation on the off chance that it might do them some good.
Life isn't easy but the bad times shouldn't last forever. All we can do is our best and pray to God that it's good enough.

[m0neV]

Sorry noxlumos, but your last comment was laughable at the least, do you currently or have you ever had unruly teenage children living in your home?

Have you suffered the effects that uncontrollable tear away teens can impose in your home and or personal life?
I dont mean to assume or speculate on your personal situation, but I'm willing to bet that there are three options that would validitate your current stance on this current topic and or situation.

(1) You are a parent of younger children who have yet to make your life a living hell!
(2) You are a parent of atleast one teenaged offspring, and that offspring walks completely within the lines that they are expected to.
(3) You dont have any children, but you are more than happy to offer your own personal opinion without personal experience

[Blyss]

I undertsand what your saying about the armed forces ianess, it is not as easy to join it as some may seem to thing ...it can take erm as far as I know rougjly about 8 months .
within that 8 months the boy ~girl feels a bit better about themselfs ..they have a bit of self respect.

[Blyss]

my last response to this thread noxlumos, patc7641 has also unbeknown to herself ..agreed with me , not to mention others.
I have no fight with you in any means , you offer your thoughts .I offered mine .

I just hope the parent does as He and his wife seems best .

[noxlumos]

mOneV,you're amazingly wrong on every count.As anyone who knows me on here will verify I have 8 children ranging from 20(my second wife's son from a previous realtionship) to 3 years and my wife is due to have our latest child later this month.My eldest natural son Danny is 19, deaf and we had some real problems with him feeling frustrated beyond words during his younger teens and he was very much a handful with angry, violent, outbursts etc as anyone might expect.Thankfully we all stuck by each other and he now lives with his boyfriend and is very stable and happy.My other teens are not angels,not demons either but I like to think that's because we treat them with respect,as equals and are always wiling to behave sensibly and responsibly towards them without ego coming into the equation.As an ex offender (I was in prison when younger)I also mentor young offenders and do work with drugs projects so I like to think that I'm fairly au fait with teens and their responses and certainly I've never had the desire or felt the need to behave any differently than to simply listen, talk and try to work through any of either my kids problems or the problems of the other young people I encounter and we have always found a way through non argumentatively that has worked.You just need to take rules and ego out of the equation and develope something that will work for everyone and although you won't always get an immediate response kids are not stupid,they don't want to be unhappy and angry,they just sometimes rely on you to offer an exceptionally large olive branch as they do not have the life experience to make things better very often.I assume you advocate the "tough love", "SSS" approach too, which is perfectly fine, but I feel strongly about these things as I've seen the damage that actions like this have with the youngsters I've mentored and I personally don't think it's ever very helpful.