My daughter who is 5 yrs old with a difficult mother

[ripwave]

hi, im 25 and getting married to my current partner, with whom we have a beautiful daughter of just 2 months old.

i also have a daughter of 5 with a previous partner of whom we were not married, we seperated on bad term,s when she found she was pregnant and i never heard nothing of her for the first 3 1/2 years, of which all the years i had doubts the child was mine.

suddenly she started letting me see my daughter once a week. this went on for about 10 months, which was fine, of tghis i was paying 100 pounds a month for the maintenance of the child.

with my future with we found she was pregnant i then informed her i could no longer pay her 100 pounds but 60 pounds a month instead, due to the fact being things were harder.

she denied my current partner seeing my daughter at first because of jealousy, but then when the baby was born she let her see them both.

my question of all this is, due to the fact i have NO history of violence or drugs of any sort, yet i wasnt there for the first 3 years, and have no proof of how much i was paying her and when, if i now take her to court to obtain more than the 6 hours on a sunday i get , or to have regular payments which are recorded and set out by law................... where do i stand, what advice can you give >?????

thank you very much in advance for your reply

Ripwave

[noxlumos]

Hi, congratulations on the birth of your little one firstly.

Your ex doesn't seem incredibly unreasonable to me, a bit difficult yeah, but not totally unreasonable. I'd not opt for court if I were you as that may get her back up and maker her even more unreasonable and there is no guarantee that the court will see things your way. Try and kill her with kindness, invite her and your daughter round for a discussion between yourself, your present partner and her and see if you cannot thrash out an amicable agreement between you, remembering however awkward she gets or unreasonable that it's best not to get upset or shouty. You can achieve miracles this way sometimes and you always have the option of court action later if needs be. If that really doesn't appeal to you then all you can do is take legal advice and go to court for more access, which may or may not succeed and the court will set a level of maintence that IT thinks is fair not what you do.That may be more or less than you pay now so consider carefully plus you will have got your ex's back up. Try the gently, gently approach first if I were you.

[ripwave]

HI , thank you for your speedy reply, and yes you are right the friendly option would have been best, but we tried that .

She came round for a coffee to talk about how things are going to happen, and unfortunately we coud only come to an agreement that she laid down.

She wasnt open to any suggestions, just kicked them all to the kerb as such.

As for getting her back upm well her back is never down.

i just need advice on what the court or solicitor is likely to say or do if you get what i mean.

I have never been through anything like this before. She always holds me to ransom if i dont give her what she wants all the time, threatening to go to CSA or stop me from seeing her.

Thanks again. It really feels good to speak to a neutral .

Ripwave

[curiosity]

Is your name on the birth certificate? that will make a difference, but unfortunately to my knowledge, not as much difference as it would have made after April 2003. After April 2003 you have automatic parental responsibility if your name is on the birth certificate and you attended the registration. Before then it really doesn't mean diddly squat. Me & my other half are a couple without a marraige certificate, but still together with 3 kids 14,13 & 5 and now I am the only one who can consent to anything, cos he has no legal rights. But if your name is on the certificate it's a big plus for you to work with. good luck

[ann_h]

There is no connection between access and maintenance. If your ex makes a claim to the csa this is payable whether you see your daughter or not. Similarly, courts will assess your access rights on its own merits, and maintenance according to need.

[Schlomo78]

Hi Ripwave, if you go onto the CSA website you can calculate how much the CSA would ask of you and also take into account you have another child- http://www.csa.gov.uk/new/calculate/#S11 - this is what I and my fiancee are doing as we have a child on the way and she is going to be annoyed no doubt when he has to cut her payments down,thing is if we go by what the CSA site says then she can threaten all she likes and we can tell her to go ahead knowing she won't get any more than she is as we are giving her what the law says we should.

If she goes through the CSA then in will not be in her favour as we will just take the money we should be giving her every week and put it in a high interest account,from what i've read most CSA cases go on for at least a year,so at the end we will have the lump sum to give her/CSA when they ask for it and also some left over! I doubt very much she will want to go through the CSA anyway as she will probably not see all the money. My partner started paying her from his bank by standing order so he has a record of what she has been given and can prove it if asked as he has had problems with her in the past. As for the past payments,I think that although you cant prove you paid,she also cant prove you didn't,so it is your word against hers. Get a standing order set up or something you can prove asap so you have it if you need it anytime soon!

I hope this helps.

[Schlomo78]

Also,,just read Curiosity's post and you can download a parental responsibility form and ask her to sign in at court with you if you wish to, good luck with that as she sounds like she wants things all on her terms pretty much like my partners ex whom we have been trying to get to sign for parental responsibility so he has a say in what happens in his daughters life as well ' Parental responsibility for your child gives you important legal rights as well as responsibilities. Without it, you don't have any right to be involved in decisions such as where they live, their education, religion or medical treatment. With parental responsibility, you are treated in law as the child's parent, and you take equal responsibility for bringing them up.'

http://www.fnf.org.uk/pro.htm more info also on the site.

[TraciJ2]

hi Ripwave,

Go to CSA yourself and ask them to take payments, that way, you're EX can't complain. it will also go in your favour in the eyes of the court as you are seen to be proactive instead of reactive.

If you both have solicitors ask to see if they will try and work out contact without going to court. you never know, your EX's solicitors may slap her into shape and tell her to behave or else. Get to your Solicitors quick though, if she carries on denying contact, your solicitor can use it in your favour.

All this does sound so cruel - like we use our kids to get back at each other. but from expeirence of this, get in first! i'm not a cruel person but if you want to see your daughter and want her to be a big part of your new life - then make it work for you in the correct legal way.

good luck and god bless xx