persistent lying

[jtamom]

i have 3 children and my husband and i are somewhat strict with them. we have told them if they lie about doing something wrong, they will be disciplined for the wrongdoing and for the lie. they still persist in lying every time they do something wrong. how can i get it through to them that lying is wrong and only making things harder for all of us.

[andy-hughes]

All children discover the concept of lying, and try it out. From an adult perspective, lying is wrong, and should be discouraged. From a child's perspective, a lie presents a possibility of getting away with a wrongdoing, so it's worth a try.

Have you considered that your children are frightened of the disciplinary regime they live with - maybe you are too strict? yes, you have to have guidelines and sanctions, that's how children learn, but if the potential reward for a successful lie is greater than simply owning up - and receiving credit for doing so - then maybe you are on a self-defeating path with them.

Why not sit them down, have a dialogue - as opposed to a lecture - about truth and lies, and then start with some new rules. Wrongdoing - punishment, admittining wrongdoing - maybe a punishment, depending on wrongdoing, but credit for owning up.

Take the fear out of confessing, and you'llget more of it. let your children see you as a guide who is trying to help them, rather than some sort of disciplinarian who is inflexible and hard.

Prenthood is not a set of rules in stone - you have to be flexible and willing to adjst as your children mature, and you learn as you go.

[silverdaler]

excellent answer andy-hughes ! i wholeheartedly agree with you. my children have never been strictly disciplined, but they do know right from wrong and have grown up to be extremely honest and well behaved.

you are their parents not dictators, - guide them, educate them, but above all love and cherish them or they might turn against you one day.

good luck

[noxlumos]

We have no rules at all in our house except "Use your common sense and be aware of the laws of cause and effect" and none of our eight kids are badly behaved or would dream of lying to us.Your kids have to be able to trust you not to be too much of a dictator or obviously they will lie to try to avoid you being very angry with them.Kids really mustn't fear their parent's discipline as that will have terrible consequences for all of you.

[meltoadhall]

we have 3 children too, we dont have many rules in our house, but they know that i will be even more unhappy about the lying than the deed. they have been brought up to be truthful (for the most) and for the most it works.

mind you, punishment is only usually loss of privileges such as no tele or treats.

speaking as a professional, children under the age of 7 dont know the difference between lying and stories so try not to expect too much.

[jtamom]

Thank you for taking time to answer my question. I guess I should have been more specific. My children are all pre-teens and by strict I didn't mean hitting them. I know this age can be the beginning of many bad teen habits and am merely trying to nip a problem in the bud.

[meltoadhall]

actually you can have the most wonderful obedient pre teen and one morning the hormones kick in and you have the teen from hell!!!!!!!!

but then after a few years they usually become the responsible, likeable young adult you were trying to raise in the first place!