How do I get my daughter to respect me?

[kazzianne]

I have a 17 yr old daughther who lives with her boyfried.She has always had a foul temper which I tolerated as I felt guilty for splitting up with her dad.I let her have friends over and drink in moderation,smoke(guess I was trying to be the cool parent and not the bad guy.) To cut a long story short one day in front of her friend she hit me and I threw her out.She went to stay with the boyfriend and had never come home.This was a yr and a half ago.We met and tried to sort thing out and seemed to - she got a job,learned to drive,and we would do days shopping etc.But still she dispespect me and insults me when she likes.The other day she said she could talk to me exactly how i liked and that that none of my kids liked me.My partner tells me to make a stand and ignore ner till she apologises,but I know she would never in a million years do that.

[andy-hughes]

I do feel for you, this is a difficult time.

It appears that you left it a little late to enforce the boundaries between being a parent and being a friend. You can be friends with your child, but not her friend - it's a fine distinction, but a vital one.

OK, from here - meet up with her, somewhere public which should reducec the chances of a scene. Tell her you love her, always have and always will, but her bahvioour hurts you, especially the notion that she speak to you as she chooses. Tell her you want to start over, both of you as adults, and build your relationship based on mutual respect. Tell her to have a think about it, and give you a call. Give her a kis, and walk away.

When she cals, and I'm pretty sure she will, don;t refer to the conversation again, and just keep the conversation light and easy. When ytou feel the time is right in the coming months, rmind her that you are always there for her, no matter what.

Should work, good luck.

[laurence2]

In my view your partner is right, If your saying she won't apologise in a million years there's your answer, If you take her back with open arms she will abuse the situation.

Its not a situation any parent would like to be in, see if she will talk one on one with you, let her air her views, ask her why she hit you and feels the need to disrepect you in front of friends etc, If this fails don't beat yourself up over this, i know it will be difficult for you, but the bottom line is, if she has no respect for you, who does she have respect for, i suspect ''No one''.

[kazzianne]

I have met her in public - I took her out for lunch - and we did chat.This was when she first moved out.She said that I was a bad parent and even when I admitted my mistakes she just refused point blank to apologise.Left it a few months,she started popping over with her boyfriend,had cup of tea,but every single time she insulted something - my decorating,my new top,anything,even the boyfriend was squirming.I drove over to hers the next week and calmly asked her why she did this and she denied it point blank.I dont want to lose my daughter but she makes me feel like the child and her the adult.Ive failed.

[laurence2]

Kazzianne, Don't blame yourself, you have'nt failed.

She seems extremely disrespectful, it sounds like the Big i,m 17 years old been there done that young lady

As Andy pointed out in his post, Back off for the time being, Let her see our easy life is especially without her mothers help, And i suspect she will come running to you before long, just don't show to her that your hurt, as i feel this will play into her hands.

[kazzianne]

How lovely to have people who want to offer an answer that I dont even know - im very touched.I have considered writing her a letter,and then just leaving it at that and see what she does,but then I guess I cant even guarantee that she had read it.I guess Im worried that the longer it goes on the harder it will be to put right.And her little brother who is 6 keeps asking why she doesnt come over.

[laurence2]

Kazzianne, Just remember she's still your little baby at the end of the day, she can't change that.

I'm confident that she Will come to her senses eventually, Let her enjoy her freedom as she see's it at this moment in time, But there Will be a time when she needs you etc, just make sure when this time comes you take the opportunity with both hands.

[mycatis]

I had a horrendous relationship with my mum in my teens. I really was the brat from hell and you wouldnt believe how guilty I feel now about the way I treated her. I'm now 28 and we have a fabulour relationship.
I acted the same way your daughter is and have apologised loads for it. All you can do is give it time, I'm sure things will get better, good luck.

[Word Butcher]

reduce

behaviour

kiss

why she doesn't come over

haven't failed

as she sees it

[lady_p_gold]

I think she is full of anger and until this is resolved it will carry on. Either that, or when she has a baby herself I think you will find that there will be a sudden change in her ....... I would write her a letter and say that you know you have not been perfect but that you have always loved her, and that when she is a parent one day she will understand. However you are not prepared to be hurt, insulted and treated like dirt any more as you do not deserve it, and that you are happy to see her at any time if she behaves normally, but unless she either talks to you about all her feelings of anger and why she treats you like this, or stops doing it, that you have great sadness in your heart, but you cannot see her if she continues to behave like that. If she never comes around (but I think she will, especially if the boyfriend fizzles out) then it is very sad, but sometimes one has to just be tough and stick up for what is right even if it is very upsetting. In her heart she knows you do not deserve it and she may almost be pushing you to the limit to see how far it will go until you snap.

[Schlomo78]

I was a lot like that with my Mum when I was younger and also blamed her inadvertently for the breakup between her and my father, although the blame was both theirs, i had a better relationship with my father so took my frustration out on her. Since i've been in my twenties we have got on a lot better, although in small doses, we still drive each other nuts if we spend more than a few hours together. When I used to have a go at her i would feel really guilty and ashamed which in turn made me even more angry towards her, and being stubborn neither of us would apologise. She often said to me that she should tape me when I was in one of my tempers and play it back so I could see exactly how bad I was-just a thought. If she can see for herself when she has calmed down just how bad she is then she might regret it and try harder in the future.

[happyducky]

Hey, sorry to hear about all the trouble you're having with your daughter, but i thought i might post a response.
I'm eighteen, and while i've never been a problem child I had a similar angry phase when I was in my early teens and I also know a 16 year old, naming no names, who is a problem child, however she lost a very close friend in a car accident. Now she's incredibly volatile and irritable and has no relationship with her parents at all. But she still flicks between being a nice person to a horrible one.
While splitting up with her father may have made your daughter somewhat resentful, you can never blame yourself. If I was ever angry it was mainly peer pressure or not fitting in that made me a troubled teen, parents act as an outlet for frustration because these are the only people you can let it all out on, who'll be there regardless, where your friends would ditch you for treating them bad. All you can do is let her make her own mistakes and in time she will realise that she needs you. Just support her and if she critisises you, politely point out that she should treat any person like that, let alone you. You sound like you're doing everything you can, and the fact you haven't given up on her shows you ARE a good parent.

[twinny_15]

Hi , my eldest daughter and I had a falling out for about 2 years I did not get to see my grandkids but then she went to a family do and the ice broke we get on better than ever i hope things sort out for you good luck

[xlaurax]

hi im also a similar age to your daughter but thta doesnt mean i agree with any of the ways you have been treated! i no we all have our teenage tantrums but hitting some one is un called for especially your mum, and if i were you id have done the same by asking her to leave, however the less you try to do things for her and make things right again the more she is going to miss having her mum around, it sounds like your the one whos done all the chasing but try and stand back for a while because you might find she's going to come and find you and she will when she needs you which will probally be sooner rather than later. at the end of the day your her mum and when her boyfriend doesnt want to know or she falls out with a friend she will soon come and find the one person she can truly relie on. dont hold out for an official apology because her making the time with you might be her way to just show she regrets what happens and just remind your self dont let your self feel guilty becasue none of this is becasue of what you've done she's the one that needs to be feeling bad. hope things go well.

[kazzianne]

All the answers so far have been fantastic,especially as they have been from parents view and also teenagers! The bits about standing back because she will need me just wont happen - she doesnt need me.She lives with her boyfriend who has a mortgage and a very nice home.She has a job and a car that she paid for herself.There is nothing that she would possibly come to me for,and even if she did need to,she would never lose face.I have to go away this weekend and so I txt her lastnight just to say that I would be away and should she need to get hold of me for whatever reason then to call my mob - she didnt even reply.

[andy-hughes]

Hello again kazzianne - I have just read all the responses since I posted.

I think your daughter will need you in the future, not for the material things, but for the emotioanl support only a mum can give to her child. It may not seem like that now, she is obviously still very angry, but if you keep on presenting yourself, even though you get knocked back, she will come round in the end. It takes a lot of time and patiencce, and a thick skin from you, but as parents, it;s what we do, because in this instance, we know what is best for our children - even when they don't.

Keep going, you are a brilliant mum, your daughter will realise that.

[kazzianne]

Hi everybody.Just thought I'd let you all know how things are going - nowhere basically!! I havent heard a peep from her,although she has apparently been to her dads to see her brothers she never mentioned me.Ive tried a few casual txts,just silly things like "Hiya,guess what - Ive just had all my long hair cut off - I look so different!".But she hasnt responded to a single one.My boyfriend tells me to just leave her be as she knows its winding me up but the longer this goes on the more stubborn she is being .Not sure what to do now guys.

[andy-hughes]

Hi kazzianne - you are still having a real tough time aren't you? We love our children, but we don;t always like them!

I think you have to send her a 'from-the-heart' letter.

Tell her how much you love her, and as her mother that will never end because there is never a love deeper than that of a mother for her child. Tell her you can't make her love you back, but you hope every day that she will. Finish by putting in all available contact info - address, phone, e-mail, what ever, and ask her to get in touch so you can start to heal this rift between you.

Tell her you want to start again from Day One, and build from theree, no recriminations, no looking back, just getting to know each other again.

Ask her to please advise you of any change of address so you can stay in touch, and confirm you will do the same. Sign it with love, and mail it.

That is really all you can do - and hopefully one day your daughter wil finally realised that a relationship with a mumn, and a person, as wonderful as you, is a precious thing in this hostile world of ours, and she should appreciate it, and enjoy it, because nothing lasts for ever.

I really hope she comes round, but after this last attempt, you have done all you can. You must put your pain in the basement oif your mind, and try not to go down there if you can help it. Parenthood is wonderful, but it is so damned hard!

Thinking of you.

A xx