custody battle

[maximus]

my fiancee and i are going for residence of her 3 children who live in the north of england. we believe they would be better of with us and my daughter (hants) the father has refused all contact with their mother (not picking up phone refusing visits etc) the children 12, 9, and 5 have to put pyjamas on when they get in from school and all have to be in bed by 7pm we think this is grossly unfair to the elder ones. have any other parents been through anything similar and if so what was the outcome?

[kazzianne]

Just out of interest - why wont he let the mother contact her children? Does he have a residency order for the children? Did she leave him and the kids?

[JustSia]

Everybody in these sort of situations think they are right and what they have to offer is better than the other side. Nobody thinks about the kids.

My littlun often gets her pjs out after school. And her bed time is 7pm also. But you are not there 24/7 to know for sure that the 12yo goes to bed at the same time.

There must be enough resentment in the air for the father to not want the kids see their mum. Whether there is a reason for it or not, doesn't matter. What you should be sorting out now is the visitation. The mother has a right for visitation no matter what. Try mediation, it will show your good intentions. If that doesn't work you can always go to court and get formal visitation order. But don't jump for custody unless you are prepared to hurt 4 people in this process.

Kids are not trophies in the battle of the exes. It might not be convenient for you to commute, it might not be part of your big plan. But you have to think of a bigger picture here. Sort out the visitation and when the kids are old enough you never know they might appreciate the fact that you never missed a visit and your persistence and return the affection.

The 9&12yo are old enough to be able to dial your number if they want to talk to their mum. If the father refuses to call from home give them mobile with credit on, or tell them they can call collect. There are ways around it but you have to try and sort it out between yourselves first for the sake of the kids.

S.

[Bohne]

The fact that they have to be in bed by 7pm surely does not make him a bad father.

I think if they have been living with him for a while, you need something more substantial to prove that living with their dad is harmful to the children.

[kazzianne]

I agree with Justsia and Bohne.Just a thought - it the mother has no contact whatsoever with the kids then how do you know they go to bed at 7pm?

[JudgeJ]

Before you embark on "going for residence" try to find out what the children would like. It may not have occurred to you, but you are considering uprooting them from their current home, their familiar surroundings, schools and friends and moving them to live with their estranged mother and a man who, presumably, they have never met. It should come as no surprise if they are not too keen on the idea.

They might well be quite happy with their current lifestyle. What makes you think they would be happier with you? Give it some thought. They are not three hampsters in a cage whom you might just put in the back of the car for a one way trip down the M1.

[maximus]

thanks for your answers guys. there is a lot of bad blood between the father and my fiancee. they have joint parental responsibility, the father commited adultery and was kicked out by my fiancee. however it had an effect and she went under the gp for depression he wanted her out and wanted the kids. she left and moved to the south coast where she met me. we now live together . but since she left he has made it impossible for her to see them or phone them. he has refused to let her speak to them and has ditched mail meant for them his behaviour got worse when he found out about me. he has stopped the children visiting the grandparents since we popped up in august last year. the info came from the eldest who speaks to her mum in secret on her friends phone. tThe father has now got a child with her and another on the way 6 in total in a small house. he has recently appeared on tv on benefit fraud (on the fiddle) . we had to take him to court for contact and now we have just had them for a week none of them wanted to go. i dont know what to do for the best but now a custody battle is on