maintance and see my kids

[loving dad]

I have 3 kids and split up from my expartner a couple of years ago, I pay her manitance each month but she wont allow me to see or contact the kids only time I get to see them is when my mum has them
she has made my live a misery with threats and abuse. she is now re married and this man plays happy famillies with my children whilst im left to struggle paying her a large percentage of my wages and struggle to make ends meet whilst she has 2 full time incomes as well as my maintance.
I stopped paying her maintance for a couple of months to try and get her to agree for me to see my kids but she went to the CSA who told me I have to pay her and I have no rights to see the kids if she didnt want me too, she allows me to pay a slightly smaller amount of maintance but tells me that if I try to seek legal advice about my kids she will cripple me and make me pay more, she is out to destroy me and its hurting the kids as well
I really dont know what to do all this has had an impact on my mental health
I dont have the money to see a solicitor i cant even talk to my family about it because she tells them thats its me that dont want to see the kids she trys to make me out to be a bad dad to everyone and shes very malipative
can anyone advice im desparate to stay in my kids lives

[madham]

Only thing I can suggest is to go to court and represent yourself, but do some homework on parents rights.

Other than that, try writing a letter to the kids every so often, but don't be nasty about Mum as it will probably backfire on you. Just make sure they know you love them.

Good Luck.

[JustSia]

(a) Unless your ex has a Court Order prohibiting you from seeing your children you are within your rights to pursue visitation.

(b) If you are paying through CSA, then she can�t make you pay more than you already do. And I am sorry, (insert point �a�), there is no way CSA could have said you have no right to see your children.

(c) If you are not paying through CSA than I suggest you get in touch with them and find out how much you would have to pay if you go through them, as they would assess your income as well as your circumstances. You might just find out that you would need to pay less, and she would not be able to mess you about with threats about higher maintenance.

(d) Contact your local CSA office they would be able to advice you on your rights, legal aid and give you necessary contacts. You can also try your local mediation services.

(e) I know it sounds petty but keep a journal. If she threatens you, makes accusations, refuses contact, write it all down. That way if you do end up in Court you have evidence as well as appear organised and serious about your intentions.

(f) Until you speak to a solicitor or CSA, stop aggravating the problem. Don�t enter into verbal fights, don�t name call, don�t pick faults with her attitude. Try and be cool MrCharming. And in the mean time if your children are old enough to read write to them. If they can�t send them cards, books, gifts. Even if she throws them away, in the future it would only score points for you and make her look petty and spiteful and not acting in the interests of her children.

(g) Even if there is a good reason behind her not allowing you any visitation, like violence, abuse and such, you still have rights to know your children and can insist on supervised visitation.

All the best.

S.

[unruliejulie]

My heart goes out to you. I don't really know what to suggest, as above i suppose. Why don't you pay the citizens advice bureau a visit and maybe they could guide you as to what to do next. I know you say you can't afford a soliciter but there are ones out there who help people like you who haven't got too much money, try ringing a few and asking for some help. You haven't got anything to lose.I think she will find you DO have rights and she can't just keep asking for more and more. I think you will have to go through the courts.You must not let this disgraceful woman use your kids as weapons. Its women like her who make me feel ashamed to be female. This happened to a close friend of ours and it really makes me very angry.I wish you all the very best and hope you can work something out for your childrens sake aswell as your own.

GOOD LUCK!

[loving dad]

JustSia you said: there is no way the CSA could have said to you have no rights to see you children
I think I may of wrote it wrong in the first place I ment to say that they said they said even if I pay maintance it dosent give me an automatic right to see my kids and they cant do anything about it I would have to go through the courts but as stated earlier I cant do that as she will make me pay even more than I do now as she allows a private arrangement of less than the CSA says I should pay if I paid the amount they want it would cripple and force me out of work
just add from another post there is NO court order against me NO history of me being abusive or anything like that all she wants is my money and me to have nothing to do with my kids

thanks for the advice

[JustSia]

Hi again,

I needed to mention Court order and violence bit to simply cover all the basics and show you that even in those extreme situations you still have a right to know your children. As you only gave your part of the story and we have no idea why she refuses the contact again I needed to mention them. I understand neither applied to you and to tell you the truth I am relieved.

As to CSA that's pretty much what I thought. They are there only to get the money of you, but...

Despite the fact that there is a set percentage that they ask for of your wages. They do take into consideration your mortgage, pension payments, insurance payments etc. (Oh, and I am not sure, but they also used to consider the fact that the other side is married and have double wages.) So it might still help if you speak to your CAB office or solicitor.

Secondly since neither of them claim any benefits they can't be forced to go through CSA to get the money of you. And you can agrue on the existence of a verbal agreement which specifies how much you have to pay, and again your solicitor might be able to help you.

[JustSia]

Now, I am not saying this to be crude but you have to make a decision. How much do you want to see your kids? I f you are that worried about the money then I am affraid you might have to put up with the situation and just see them at your mum's. Otherwise you have to be prepared to invest into sorting this mess out. But please don't panic too much until you speak to the solicitor. I said it before and I say again you might just find that you were worried for nothing and you don't need to pay more than you do now.

Your ex sounds like a right head-case. And she is definitely not working in the kids best interests. If that was me I would let the Court tell her that. I know your situation sucks, and it's a bit of a catch 22, but until you know everything there is to know about your legal rights from a qualified advisor you can't let that stop you.

All the best

S

[JustSia]

Sorry, another thing. Your main concern is the finances. Once you sort this out, and I believe you will. You might not even have to go to Court regarding visitation. Don't forget they will have to fork out on the solicitors also and unless they are complitely brain dead they will realise they haven't got a leg to stand on in trying to stop you from seeing your own kids.

I told all my mates about you and they all agree with me and send you their best wishes.

S.

[Goyambokka]

Look for firms of solicitors who have a partner who specialises in Family Law and see if they offer an initial half hours free appointment...many firms do.
It is the childrens' right in law to have contact with you and the reponsibility of their mother and father (you) to make sure it happens.
I know this is hard, but don't give up for the sake of your children who need to see you.