changing schools

[Dreaming]

If your children are happy at school, but the school journey is a long one (30 miles in total each day) and you want to move them to one which is within walking distance. Would I be considered "selfish" in doing so?

As I have been accused of by my "ex" mother in law? I am in a real dilemma about this, as the middle school they will attend is fine, but the secondary school they will go to later is not the one I chose for my eldest 2.

I have been doing the 30 mile round trip for the last 8 years and really cant afford (petrol wise) or time wise to do it another 8 years with my youngest 2.

Should I carry on and put their needs first. Any advice really appreciated.

[simsfreq]

A school is really only as good as the attitude of the child themselves. A child who wants to learn will learn regardless of what school they go to.

I don't think it would be selfish of you to move them.

[xanderma]

I moved my children to a closer school and it had an unexpected side-effect...they made friends with so many neighbouring children who they'd never met before, now they spend all day with them at school, come home and go straight out to play with them for the evening. I Love this as it is just what I did when I was a kid!

They took the change of school very well, and as a family, we all feel so much more a part of the local community.

Ignore your (ex) ma-in-law, do what you know is best for your children, and look forward to a garden full of new friends!

[lizw]

I do a 90 mile round trip every day. My son has now left to go to the local (we live opposite!) high school as his dad, my husband, is head of year 7 there, but my daughter is continuing in her junior school which is in Leeds, we live in Doncaster. It's 45 miles away! I never know if I'm being completely stupid doing the journey. The junior school is fantastic but I'm not sure it's worth the early starts (6.50 every morning). So sorry - I can't offer any advice but I do understand your dilema.

[liquidspace]

I had the same problem, same distance. My daughter was very happy in her school, I changed to one nearer me when the school year finished. She adapted very well (aged 11) and has made many more friends than she ever had before, and nicer ones too! Good luck.

[PinkFizz]

lizw - you must spend most of your day in the car - let alone the cost of the petrol!! Good god!

[angeldraws]

Have you asked your children what they think? I suggest you talk it over as a family (not including your ex mother outlaw!!) and if they at an appropriate age (e.g. between 5-9) make it as exciting as possible if you think thats the route (excuse the pun) you want to take.....

Also, you must take into account your own needs/desires for the next 8 or so years. It's not a crime....

Good luck

[xmrs_harmanx]

i moved schools 3 times when i was young and to be honest i didn't really care baring in mind i'm in my very early twenties. I had a total of around 6 different best mates and i saw moving schools as an adventure. The third school i moved to and my last primary school, i detested. I just hated it from what people had said and the reason i left my old school was because of that school as it had made my other school close down. I was livid when my mam enrolled me there but it was the best decision i could have ever made. Because your daughter may not appreciate you or it at first but she will grow to love it.

[stick28]

Hey, Dreaming, First off you do whats right by your'e reckoning. Then you run it by your children and check that it's OK. and then you tell your ex- ma in law to go and take a running jump cos they're your kids!!!

[curiosity]

I think Xanderma makes an excellent point here, I work with teenagers and many I have met feel isolated when they travel to schools, mainly because all the local children also meet outside of school as well, and when you are listening to your friends planning their weekends at the cinema etc, it gets frustrating for them. There is also the plus side as xmrs said that moving schools accumulates friends who will open up new avenues. But this happens anyway if kids choose different secondary schools but stay in touch. I think as long as it's at the start of a term they'll thrive. Good Luck.

[Dreaming]

Thank you all for your replies.

Curiosity, yes I think my children feel isolated, I pick them up from school, all their friends are miles apart and they dont interact.

I now have a problem as my children are with their dad this weekend, and now (from texts from my oldest daughter) he is telling my youngest two, not to move school, as its the worst thing they will ever do. Thats its their choice not mine (they are 8 and 10!) and that he cant afford the time to take them to school, bearing in mind he lives 10mins drive from me, and he is self employed.

My ex mother in law will be visiting them this weekend, and will have her say on the subject as well.

I am a great mum, been a lone parent to them all (4 children) for the last 8 years. And now I am made to feel so guilty.

All the positives I have given to them, I feel has now been ruined by his telling them now that if I move them out of their school they will reget it for life.

[al_baba40]

I don't think it would be selfish. I too do a 30mile trip and it is very difficult especially when there are traffic hold-ups on the major roads. I would be more interested in the performance of the local school vs the distant school. At the end of the day a more relaxed mum, a bit extra funds for other activities, and a bit more time in bed every day is more important than your ex mother-in laws opinion who probably has no concept of the difficulty of a 30 mile round trip to go to school. The other issue is the children not having friends in the local area - I also have to do the journey at weekends for parties and to see friends.

[curiosity]

Hi again Dreaming, I've just got back from my mother in laws where she showed me my 6 year old nieces report, this is a girl who moved to a village 8 mile away and didn't want to move schools, her parents agonised over moving her and kept her at her old school for a while, but they did move her 6 months ago because life was made far more stressful because of the arrangement. Her report was outstanding and even in the peer group and social side of it, she settled so quickly and isn't affected at all. I think if the school is as good as the other one, it can only have benefits both short & long term. Good Luck

[maxi29]

I went to a secondary school two bus journeys away. As a result, I had no friends close by as all my schoolfriends lived near school. I have a memory of miserable weekends and holidays and vowed that I would never inflict that on my children.

[xanderma]

I was upset on your behalf when I read what your ex is apparently telling your children.

This is the worst kind of behaviour towards children, especially the bit about him not having time to take them to school - 'me, me, me' at all???

What I would do is arrange to take your children to look round your school of choice, then talk to them about the pros and cons of change. Give them both sides, obviously focussing on the good points of changing schools(!), and help them to come to a decision which suits you all

(Of course, as a mum, you will have all the resourcefulness you need to come to the decision with suits you and your children, not your selfish ex and his ma!)

[meltoadhall]

can you afford to move? will it affect your work ( if you do go out to work) and would you be doing the same journey just the other way round?
i have similar situation, my daughter leaves at 7.45am and gets home at 4.50pm most days, but i live in a really rural place and the school IS the nearest. Plus the fact that i cant afford to move.
talk to your children and go through all the pros and cons.

[clairey-s]

i dont think it matters wether you are considered selfish, all that matters is what is best for your kids. forget the accusations and such, and concerntrate on your children.

are they old enough to be involved in this desicion? if so be carefull when asking, if not be subtle and find out how they are enjoying school and how you think they'd feel about moving

xx