peachy51. partners daughter

[debsoutho]

I know exeactly how you feel, except I have a 19 year old lad, my partner lets him get away with everything, he does nothing, his room stinks and that is now exaggeraion, the smell is coming down the stairs. he eats in his bedroom, leaves cups and cutlery in there, spills drinks etc etc. I had enough last month, me and my partner had a big argument and I stormed out of the house. Went for a drink to try and calm down, my partner kept texting me and asking me to come back, which fool that I am I did, at the end of the day I love my partner to bits, and most of the stuff in the house is mine! But as usual nothing got sorted, he didnt talk to his lad, each time he walks into the room I walk out, and Im beginning to boil again.

[PinkFizz]

What a nightmare.You really need to sit down with your hubby and tell him you mean business.Agree ground rules and then both sit the lad down and tell him together,or else this is heading for disaster,

[debsoutho]

I cant think of anything else to do. No matter what you say to his lad, he doesnt do anytting about it, I used to but myself little treats for the week, but he kept going to the cupboard and taking them for his packup, so I stopped buying them. He has washing up stais going back 3 weeks!! He is just not bothered how things are, He knows it bugs me and I try not to let him see, he went through a stage of taking my things dvds etc, and not giving them back, so I put a lock on the spare bedroom door, he uses my shampoo - towels etc so now they are under lock and key, I have told my partner that it is not a home but a prison cell. why cant i leave things out. It really gets me down and as You say we are heading for disaster, he has moved out twice of his own accord , but has come back. the time he was away was absolute bliss, as soon as he came back,(which he did without asking) my hackles were up. I thought that by walking out, something might of been done, but no.

[PinkFizz]

Good god - and your partner doesn't back you up?? I would give the pair of them an ultimatum - tell your man that unless his son tows the line you are leaving,unless its your house of course!

[debsoutho]

Its my partners house, but my wages were taken into account when he remortaged to buy his ex wife out, His lad obviusly thinks he has every right to be in the "family" home, but I have said that it is all change now and we have a different set of rules. Hes obviusly digging his heels in, He doesnt realise what I have done for him. If I hadnt agreed to live there, then the house would of gone back to the council, his mum wouldnt of walked away with 26-000 pounds(thats a different story) and he wouldnt be living there. We will have to stay there for another 2 years before we can move, which my partner says that if I want to move then so be it, I have said we are but not taking the boy with us, with that I got we will discuss it when the situation arises. I have told my partner umpteen times to speak to his mum and say that she should have him living with her, but she has said no, she has recently married and that would put a strain on the relationship!!!!

[PinkFizz]

I really feel for you.How willing is your husband to sort this out? Is he unhappy as well? Does it bother him when his son is like this,and if so,why on earth doesn't he talk to him? This is going to be impossibel if your man won't back you up.I would set rules such as any dirty clothes left on floor more than one day go straight into bin.Any meals are to be eaten in lounge,or not at all,unless it is just a simple sandwich.You need to all find a compromise hun.

[suzi-q]

Have just replied to the other question re the 19 yr old daughter. I've been going on for the last 3 yrs thinking I was alone in this difficult situation.

Kids seem to be very clever manipulators. Its certainly made me realise just how difficult it is for my husband. He too has put a lock on our bedroom door and the spare room (which has our computer in it). Because he just doesnt feel secure that the boys wont go rummaging through our stuff.

We stopped buying treats because they just get eaten within 2 days of the shopping being done.

I am the mum and he is the stepdad. Its very hard for me that he doesnt trust my boys who I love but I try to understand.

Somehow it helps to know that other people are going through the same problems and that we probably all feel the same. I am so torn between love and loyalty for my sons and the vows and promises I made when I married my husband.

[PinkFizz]

Why don't you two draw up a list when you have 5 mins and write down exactly what you feel the teenager should do.Then show it to your partners and see what he agrees with - some adjustments need to be made.Then we you have both agreed on the final list sit the teenager down and show them the list and say that you have both agreed on this,and if they refuse to help they have 2 months to find alternative accomodation.Tough but fair I think.

[peachy51]

Things have came to ahead today,, i lost it with my partner...i told him he has to tell her to tidy up... I havent spoken to her in 4 days , she has got me so angry, You may say that I should have more authority in the household.ans ask her to pull her weight , been there done it, all i got was "I DONT TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU"..fine, i know im not her parent , but i wont give her a second chance to disrespect me like that , so its up to her dad tonight, i hope this gets sorted soon!!!!!!

[PinkFizz]

awww peachy ( and debsoutho)- let me know how you get on.If you wana chat then Im always om email or msn - [email protected]

[debsoutho]

Thanks pinkfizz, Peachy 51 did anything get sorted out last night, I really feel for you even tthough I am ion the same situation. I feel as though I am walked on,I also thought that I seemed to be the only one in this situation. I know that it must be difficult for my partner as well. I have been there for 18 months now and in that time the lad has done absolutley nothing, not even put a cup or plate in the dishwasher, It really gets me down. As I said I love my partner to bits but how much do I have to take?
I have discussed with the partner and I have said that I would love it to be just the two of us, he agrees and says that the lad will move out eventually, probably in a couple of years, I want to be happy now , not put my life on hold. The lad is in no rush to get out, he only pays 20.00 rent - when we get it, though he earns over 400.00 a week.

[hunnybee]

i think you have every right to feel like this at the end of the day you have to live in the house to and as he is 19 he should be able to take responsibility for his own cleanliness. your partner on the other hand should sit down with him and explain the anger he is causing you and he should be old enough to respect your wishes! this is something which needs to be addressed sooner rather than later! Good look xxxxx