Disabled Mum

[shinkypink19]

Hi...I don't think this will be classed as the right thread but here goes...

My boyfriends mum is 61, and had a stroke 6 years ago. She has severley restricted mobility, but is living by herself in a council flat with an alarm (she has it round her neck incase any thing happens).

She was offered lots of support after it happened, and accepted some of it (inc home help) but then got them to stop as she wanted more independance (and saw practical help as interference ?!?)

Trouble is, she can't do it herself - cook, clean etc. Her meals are delivered by internet shopping from supermarkets (microwave junk) and her house is a mess (this sounds so harsh but it's true). She's stuck in the house all day on her own :-( watching TV - it's so sad.

We dont' live close enough to help as much as we'd like to be able to, and I wondered if any one had any tips/ideas about how we could help?

When I suggested sheltered housing she was totally dismissive, saying it was for old folks (?!?)

Thanks for reading, ShinyP xox

[bednobs]

does she get disability living allowance?
I cant really see how you can make her have help at home to be honest

[skyep]

shinkypink19 - You might suggest to her hiring a private cleaner (in a round about way ) I use to clean privately for elderly people, it meant much more to them than just a cleaning job, sometimes they were the only people they had seen in the day. It's also a comfort to the family to know they have company. If you go down this route, get them to supply references & vet them properly. A minimum rate would be about 5.00 an hour.

[oldwoman]

Is she happy. That is the main thing. I know you are worried about her but you can`t force people to accept help if they dont want it. I have a lot of friends but I dont go out much. I have a husband who is long distance and my daughter still lives at home. I am happiest when I am on my own. I could quite happily live here and never go out..Its how shes chosen to live.

[sandbach99]

Is there a stroke group in her area, if there iis find out the details, like could she be picked up and returned to her home, cost, what they do etc then, encourage her to go. She probably won't like it at first, encourage her to keep going, find out who runs it have a word with them, find out what they do, who goes etc then you will be able to chat about it.

It is possible she is slightly depressed about her lifestyle and can see little future, if she can go out occassionally it could give her the initiative to try to do a bit of housework even though she is restricted. See if you can contact her Doctor, see if he will pop round, ask him to make an excuse to call ie flu jab and ask him to see if he thinks she could be depressed.

Get in touch with Headway, the group that helps with head injuries, a stroke is a head injury.

Can you take her away for a weekend, there are lots of places where the disabled are catered for, it could give her the boost she needs.

It is hard when you are not near, but little by little you can make changes but there is no quick cure. Good luck.

[shinkypink19]

Thank you for all your advice - please don't think I am trying to interfere with her life, she has not made a decision to stay in on her own, prior to the stroke she was always out and about - but now she doesn't have the choice and thats whats saddest - she seems to have given up.

I'm looking in to a meals delivery service (I've heard Wiltshire Farm Foods are good?!) - an alternitive to meals on wheels (not just for old biddies in her eyes!)

Suggestion for a private cleaner is great Skyep - thank you! That way she'll get the help she needs around the house.

Lots of you have made me feel guilty about wanting to help her - I'm not trying to 'make' her have help at home (bednobs!) but it's distressing seeing someone you care about not being able to look after themselves properly.

Thanks, ShinyP xox

[sandbach99]

My Mum was badly disabled for many years she had a cleaner for a while but she always tided up as best she could before she came, I wonder if she is reluctant to have a cleaner because she is ashamed of the state of the place. She has no reason at all to feel this way.
As xmas is coming could your bf ask if she would like to have a room or more decorated, emulsion would do, let him ask and either do it yourselves or pay for someone. Let her know that you will do the preparation i.e tidying etc, then if the place is looking clean she may be persuaded to have a cleaner.

Did she have any hobbies before her stroke that she could still do, my Mum was a keen knitter and sewed a lot so we use to buy wool etc and ask her to knit things.

Does she have her own computer? if not can you persuade her to have one, then she could surf the web and give us the benefit of her knowledge on sites like this or find diability sites where she could chat to people like herself or find gadgets to help her. Could you or your bf ask her to do some research for you on the computer, anything like the family tree, show that you really are interested after.

I think you are right she is or has given up, I know you are away from her but a few days with her could make a big difference, but please let your bf make the suggestions to her then she won't think you are interfering and refuse your help even though you do only have her interest at heart.

With a bit of support she will make a new lifestyle and you and your bf are doing what you can to help.