Parenting for teenagers

[kgr]

How do you help/advise/guide a young teenager showing a high sexual awareness?

[JoolsTwo]

try putting this post under family/parenting. Your in Quizzes and Puzzles.

[andy-hughes]

As a parent, all you can is to lay out the facts for your child, and hope they take notice.

I told all my girls the same - regardless of the pleasure aspects, intercourse is a biological function, and its purpose is conception. With that in mind, the odds are serious stacked IN FAVOUR of conception, so here's a piece of perspective. If every sperm in the average ejaculation fertalised an egg, the result would double the population of North America - not the U.S., the continent of North America, including Canada, the second biggest country on earth.

Put it like that, it gives a teenager some idea of the odds of conception without protection, so hopefully they understand that contraception is the adult responsibility that goes with the adult act of intercourse.

Tell your teenager you will answer all questions honestly and fully if they wish to ask, but to remember that pregnancy and STD's don't 'happen to someone else' - they happen to anyone who is out there, so they MUST PROTECT THEMSELVES.

Now comes the hard bit - you have to let them go out and do what they will do, and hope they have listened to you, and that is really all they can do. Scary isn't it?

But if you have raised your children to be responsible and aware, they will know the risks, and deal with them.

Good luck.

[kgr]

that was certainly helpful. But I'm a little more concerned here about things like masturbation rather than sex per se. I believe he's doing it and of late I find his concentration in his studies is waning although he is a very good student generally. His elder sister gave us a very rough time during her teen years but he - except for the occasional bout of teenagitis - has been easy to handle and talk to for the most part. I still have a very comfortable communication channel open with him - indeed he prefers to discuss such topics with me rather than his father.

I'm wondering how to advise him appropriately without leaving him with a feeling that he's doing anything "dirty" and at the same time getting him to understand that there's a time in life for everything and this is not his time for "sex" or "sexual gratification". I'm afraid he has been on certain porn sites - I've made sure that the access to such sites is barred in our house now - and might seek other (more dangerous) means for his current interest!

[andy-hughes]

I really wouldn't worry too much about masturbation - without wishing to generalise, it's something in men that women are uncomfortable with, and men find perfectly natural and enjoyable.

Any teenage boy will have a high sex drive and will masturbate frequently. Because male sexuality is far more focused on visual stimulation, any man will avail himself of visual stimulation if it is available - the multi-billion dollar industry that feeds this requirement is testament to the frequency and popularity of this activity.

I think waning interest in studies is to do with his physical development and other distractions - hormones and a social life specifically, and is not likely to be related to his interest in sex.

I don't think you can approach this subject as his mother without making him self-concious and embarassed. However open you are with each other, this is a private matter and should stay that way. Don't worry about your son seeking extreme stimulation - all well-adjusted teens go through this stage of development and emerge the other side with no ill effects what ever.

By all means answer his questions, but otherwise, leave this area of his sexuality alone. It is harmless, he won't stop concentrating, or develop unhleathy interests - you sound like you both have a loving and close relationship, but trust me, a young man is unlikely to be cloe enough to his mom to want to exchange views on this area of life.

[kgr]

thank you so much andy-hughes. I do feel a bit less tense than i was feeling these past 2 days. Your advice was most sensible and I guess I'll just leave him be for now. Thanks again.

[Pippa68]

Hi kgr,

andy has given cracking advice as usual, so I won't try and add to that!

I will say that my 14 year old son spends quite a lot of time in his locked bedroom and I leave him to it ;o) the only thing I have stipulated is that it must be him who removes his bedsheets & puts them in the wash...luckily we have quite an open relationship & have discussed sex & masturbation to a certain degree, although we did stop at one point as the 'ewwww' factor (from him, not us!) crept in..LOL.

[andy-hughes]

You are most welcome.

I fully understand your anxiety as a sensitive and caring parent, and I hope I, and Pippa68 have allayed some of your concerns.

Your son is very lucky to have a mum who cares so much about his well-being - I hope he appreciates you!

[kgr]

I did not mention earlier that my son has muscular dystrophy (becker's - its the milder form as compared to duchenne's which is more severe). This means that he is not and cannot be as physically active as his peers and although he has interest in sports - soccer, cricket etc - he cannot expend his energies like most boys his age do.

I myself grew up only with sisters and so have little experience of growing up boys. My husband seems to think all this is of little consequence but I'm still worried that he may be concentrating his "physical" energy on this.

I walked into his room a couple of nights back - when he was supposed to be asleep - because i heard a sound. He was at the computer - in the dark ofcourse - and was terribly embarrassed not because he was "caught" at the computer when he was supposed to be asleep but because he'd taken off his clothes while sitting at the computer. While I don't want to get into the "eeeew" zone (and I agree with you andy that he will not want to discuss intimate stuff with me) I do want to have some sort of talk about this and i don't know how to go about it.

His dad is quite a private and non-chatty person, unlike me so most of these heart-to-hearts are left to me.

[suzi-q]

As has been said - its a natural, inevitable part of growing up. Allow your boy his privacy. You've already limited the porn content he can download so hopefully you've protected him from the really nasty stuff.

[andy-hughes]

Thanks for the additional insight into your concerns - I still maintain that your son should have his privacy on this aspect of his life and development. I don't think that masturbation saps the strength - that really is an old wives' tale!

Since he is of an age where he is going to masturbate, and he has limited movement and chances to be elsewhere - is it maybe time that you knocked and waited before you entered his bedroom? I know he is still your 'little boy' but he is at an age where his physical development makes him shy about even his mum seeing him naked, so you should respect that boundary.

I know you feel you want to discuss what went on, but think about where exactly you want that discussion to go? Apart from embarassing both of you, it could put barriers in your hitherto excellent communication, and with no real 'result' to be gained, I repeat - just leave it, and let it be forgotten.

[CLOWN TICKLE]

I cant help but agree with the excellent comments already made

[kgr]

thanks all. I was indeed quite confused and concerned earlier, but with all the excellent advice I feel easier with "letting it be". I suppose I was quite startled to think that - as andy put it quite well - my little boy had grown up. Now that's its sunk in, yes I guess I do need to knock before I enter ;-)